Friends, something sinister is afoot in the murky depths of the ocean.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you may want to gather your nearest and dearest loved ones for one final moment together, as, if the actions of dozens of octopi in Wales are to be correctly interpreted, the end is coming and soon terror will reign.
The portentous signs of which I speak come to us from New Quay Beach in Ceredigion, Wales, where over the course of the weekend, numerous eight-legged denizens of the deep have been found beaching themselves, in some cases to their very deaths.
A company called SeaMor, previously a dolphin-watching boat crew, now the first line of defence in the impending Eternal Nightmare Wars, have documented the unprecedented suicidal fleeing of octopi on Facebook:
Brett Stones, who runs the dolphin tours/is very possibly a chosen one foretold eons ago, told the BBC he and his crew found over 25 octopuses on the shore the following morning in scenes he was never witnessed before:
We have got lobster pots and sometimes octopus will strip the bait, but they are very sneaky. It is really rare to see them.
It was a bit like an end-of-days scenario.
Oh how we’ll laugh in the months to come when we think back to these innocent, simple words. “Bit” of an end-of-days scenario? Fools. The lot of us.
What exactly are these slimy kings of the seas fleeing from? What monstrous entity fills these usually powerful creatures with such fear that they’d rather crawl out of their home and dry out and die in the harsh autumnal sun?
Whatever it is, do not doubt that is is coming. Coming for us all.
Hold me?
