Sorry if this offends, but people from South Australia are absolute freaks. While everyone else in Australia manages to have a relatively homogenous accent that mostly just changes depending on how far away you grew up from a major metropolitan area, the mutant citizens of South Australia all sound like somebody asked the cast of Downtown Abbey to do a special Australian accent episode. It’s hard to tell whether Christopher Pyne is the most egregious example of this or if he just gets the most air time, but when I think of the arch screeching sounds made by the people of SA, the former politician is the first person that springs to mind.

Is it his fault that his the combined effect of his voice and accent possesses the cadence, intonation, and arbitrarily lengthened vowel sounds of a substitute history teacher from the 1950s? Almost certainly no. Can he help that he has somehow developed a manner of speaking that I could only describe as ‘punchable’? Probably not. Would I like to hear this voice deliver a podcast? No. No, I would not.

Seemingly not occupied enough with leapfrogging from a job as Minister for Defence to consulting for the defence industry, Pyne is launching a podcast which (admittedly, like most podcasts) sounds on paper like it will be insufferable:

The former Australian Defence Minister served for twenty-six years in the Australian House of Representatives having been first elected in 1993, at aged twenty-five. . . . Now he is going behind the mic to use his unique charm, humour and interviewing skills to chat with Prime Ministers, Journalists, Media personalities and Business leaders. Finally, Christopher gets to turn the tables. From being the guest that had to have all the answers, to the one that gets to unearth the stories that have never been told before.

Pyne Time (actual name) will be put out by the PodcastOne Australia network, where it will sit alongside a financial advice podcast hosted by Kochie and a food-adjacent podcast from Masterchef judge Gary Mehigan.

What makes Pyne a compelling podcast host? Let’s consult the press release from our friends at PodcastOne Australia:

Christopher Pyne was first elected as the Member for Sturt in South Australia in 1993. He was a Minister across the Howard, Abbott, Turnbull and Morrison Governments serving as Minister for Ageing, Minister for Education and Training, Minister for Industry Innovation and Science and Minister for Defence Industry and Defence responsible for delivering a $200 billion build-up of Australia’s military capability, the largest in its peacetime history. He retired from politics in early 2019.

Fascinating stuff.

The first season will consist of six episodes, the first featuring perpetually televised comedian Peter Helliar. A second season is potentially in the works as well, as long as, uh, something doesn’t happen:

Mr Pyne said, “Until I was asked to do Pyne Time, I thought podcasting had something to do with shelling peas, now I realise I wasted twenty-six years of my life in Parliament – I should have been doing this long ago. It’s a fun series, my guests get into the spirit of the podcast and have fun. I’m already looking forward to the second series – assuming I don’t get boned.”

Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.

The first episode will be released on October 14.

Image: AAP / DAVID MARIUZ