True criminal masterminds don’t come around every day, mates; thieves of devilish cunning; knaves of world-class skill; bad men that usurp all other bad men. But when they do it’s just as much cause for condemnation as it is for pure awe; an appreciation of the craft; an acknowledgement that the person performing the mischievous deed is at the top of their game; a deed so dirty and yet so clean at the same time.
This is ahh… not one of those occasions.
Police in Melbourne are on the hunt for this complete Brian Genus who broke into a swanky-lookin’ house down in the beachside suburb of Brighton.
Tweedledumbass over here was apparently wise to the fact that the house he was fiending to burgle was equipped with security cameras, so he devised a clearly fool-proof plan: He’d avoid detection by sliding around the house on his belly.
Cunning? Perhaps. Resourceful? Almost definitely. Well executed? Fucken nope.
The one flaw in this clearly water-tight plan, the one thing our illegal hero failed to account for, was the fact that there were other security cameras in the house, and they just-so-happened to be pointing at the floor.
Thus, we now have this footage, which should be enshrined in the National Archives.
Police are hunting a man who broke into a house in Brighton. Security footage shows the man crawling and sliding across the floor in an attempt to remain out of sight. In the attempted heist he tried to remove two safes, however he ended up fleeing empty handed. #7News pic.twitter.com/ABYhObuZ04
— 7 News Melbourne (@7NewsMelbourne) March 13, 2018
You can’t help but get the impression that old mate had a very different idea of how things were going to pan out for him. It’s a classic case of expectations exceeding reality. Particularly when your expectations are this:
But your reality ends up being a bit more like this:
Credit where it’s due, though: The footage shows conclusively that he was fully dressed for a smart getaway, which is what he managed to achieve. Even if it was empty handed.
As always, if you’ve got information on the identity of this clear future-MacArthur Grant recipient, get in touch with Crime Stoppers.