As the coronavirus vaccine is (slowly) being rolled out in Australia, the government has had to field many questions, like “When do I get the jab?”, “Why haven’t I gotten the jab?”, “Give the jab me now please”. Unbelievably – but also very believably – the government has also had to issue a statement on whether or not the vaccine can give you access to the internet. I truly wish I was joking about this.

In amongst the FAQ section of the federal health department’s website lies the page asking, Is it true? Can COVID-19 vaccines connect me to the internet?

aus government vaccine internet 5G
I…what?

The poor comms department of the Australian government had to take time out to clarify that no, the vaccines cannot connect you to the internet. It also doesn’t turn you into a computer, or a mobile reception tower, or a microwave, or a telecommunications beacon. It simply does not do any of these things.

Clearly, the anti-5G conspiracy types have latched onto the use of hydrogels in vaccines – which may help to disperse the vaccine into the body – as a reason to believe that the COVID-19 vaccines are implanting us all with electronics. Which then can connect to the internet, like some kind of flesh-covered modem. Some truly galaxy brain stuff here, folks.

On top of the hydrogels thing, the Pfizer vaccine – the vaccine that Australia has just ordered an extra 20 million doses of – actually uses a fatty lipid droplet to transport the mRNA vaccine molecule into our cells, as the fatty coating is similar to the membrane around our cells.

Once again, not about to send a dial-up tone coursing through your body and plug you into the world wide web, or The Matrix, or whatever the conspiracy theorists want to believe.

Twitter had a field day with this FAQ entry, with many people hoping it could have been a great alternative to the endlessly-bungled NBN rollout.

Imagine the vaccine could plug our mortal bodies into the internet, though. Tech companies would have a fucken field day, and I could fire off dumbass tweets with just my mind. Seems fine and not at all chaotic.

Image: The Matrix / Warner Bros Village Roadshow