A serious relationship is way harder than anyone lets on.
Beyond the realm of cutesy IG posts, tagging each other in wholesome memes and appearing at every social gathering together are the very real difficulties of trying to make two separate lives properly function as a whole – which becomes even harder when you decide to take the leap and live together.
Why? One word, and it starts with ‘m’ and ends with ‘y’.
Money and the splitting headaches it causes is far and away the lead cause of arguments in many relationships; both the personal finance and relationship advice forums on Reddit are full of both currently and formerly loved-up people seeking advice on how to split bills / split
Dan Auerbach, a relationship counsellor with Associated Counsellors & Psychologists Sydney, tells PEDESTRIAN.TV beef about $$$ often starts when two halves of a couple approach spending differently i.e one will think nothing of shouting mates round after round on a night out, while the other refuses to withdraw money from an ATM that charges fees.
“Two partners might have a very different emotional relationship to money,” says Auerbach. “One might feel relaxed, happy and free through spending money, the other might feel relaxed and happy through saving money… There’s different emotional strategies to dealing with money, and that can lead to a lot of tension.”
Auerbach concedes money is a difficult topic to broach, no matter how which way you cut it, because it carries so much cultural and societal baggage.
“They’re conversations that everyone finds difficult,” he says. “Money is seen as a safety thing. We do associate money with our security. So people get very threatened when talking about money or loss of money. Also, the way we make money, like our job, is a strong part of our identity.”
He also notes that left unchecked, money dramaz can very quickly become a dealbreaker.
“We’ve had lots of experiences where their relationship to money is so different and their desire to either spend freely or save freely is so at-odds that it leads to a longstanding tension and a relationship break-up.”
So, how to stop it all hitting the fan before it, you know, does?
As with most relationships, Auerbach says the key is that word all millennials hate: communication.
“With any of these high-tension sort-of matters, if the goal is to find out more about what your partner is thinking, give it a lot of time before you respond, and before you respond, ask your partner to really listen to your point of view.”
Setting proper expectations when it comes to your future together is especially important when partners are earning unequal salaries, “to organise expectation and avoid resentment build up.”
“I think questions like ‘what sort of life are we going to build if we really are committed to each other?’ and ‘what are our roles going to be in the relationship?’,” Auerbach says. “Those conversations that are about not just how to split the bills but what are our expectations on what this can look like not just now, but in two years time, in five years time, and in ten years time.”
Another thing to consider is that money isn’t always the issue you think it is: it’s often a conduit for deeper issues, like mistrust.
“Issues with money can often be an expression of other trust issues within a relationship. Dig deeper and identify why you feel that way about your partner spending money. You might start by having conversations about the practicalities of expenditure, when the real question is ‘Can I trust you?’ or ‘Are you being faithful?’ or ‘Are you going to hurt me again?’.”
Remember: there’s no ‘i’ in ‘team’, fam.
Photo: The Breakup.
