A Eulogy For A Once-Cool City: Sydney Is Now Just A Giant Fireball

We write this article from a pool of our own sweat, desperately sipping room temperature (READ: boiling) water like it’s gonna make a damn bit of difference, and crying about why we chose to live in this godforsaken country. 

#SydneyHeat is gripping New South Wales, with much of its citizenship bending to the overwhelming urge to scream ‘FUCK THIS SHIT’ and book flights to Antarctica or Russia, or anywhere that has an ice machine tbqfh. 

Can’t even. #sydneyheat #heatwave pic.twitter.com/CBgFuFZVIR

— Eleni Paneras (@EleniPaneras) November 20, 2015

RT #PeterRaeSMH: https://t.co/CsbyrYP2xk #Sydney sizzles as Jimmy gets to cool down #dogs #sydneyheat #sydneyweat… pic.twitter.com/vDoeRyQsm5

— Dog Treats (@DogTreatNews) November 20, 2015

IMPORTANT PSA: When you are a grown up you can buy Zooper Doopers whenever you like. #sydneyheat

— Sam Regester (@samregester) November 20, 2015

#youknowyoureaustralianwhen HOT water comes out of the cold water tap on a hot day #sydneyheat

— îmügî (@dawnkhajiit) November 20, 2015

#sydneyheat #sydneyweather pic.twitter.com/50qp42kUzt

— Angela Nguyen (@angelanguyen) November 20, 2015

me right now #sydneyheat pic.twitter.com/X64gBwwJaj

— michelle (@michees_) November 20, 2015

40 degrees and windy in #Sydney! #sydneyheat pic.twitter.com/pP4Ju8ySF9

— Monty Brewster (@Nzallblack) November 20, 2015

I’m pretty sure I could cook bacon on my back fence right now… #sydneyheat

— Mark Gottlieb (@MarkGottliebFOX) November 20, 2015

This discarded radiator says everything about today’s weather. #sydneyheat pic.twitter.com/3BtRgMbPp5

— Ross Colebatch (@r_co) November 20, 2015

Relevant #sydneyheat pic.twitter.com/hGsroP8Bpg

— Alex Bruce-Smith (@alexbrucesmith) November 20, 2015

?? me rn pic.twitter.com/ppGLgdxAVc

— CHLOE SARGEANT (@chlosarge) November 20, 2015

?? #sydneyheat

A photo posted by Alison Zell (@alison_z) on Nov 19, 2015 at 5:39pm PST

Dearest reader, not even the fi-yah as hell  Justin Bieber track playing over our crackling speakers can save our spirits now. 

Sydney has now morphed into a ball of fire, and will no longer be a tourist destination for anyone wanting to experience our opera houses and bridges, our early-closing nightlife or our giant donut milkshakes.