Washington suffers from a condition that makes her watch really bad television. She can’t get to sleep. “I’ve gone completely bananas,” she once told us. “I’ve been an insomniac now for about a year and it’s actually quite extreme. It makes you crazy. It’s fucked up…And because I’m constantly under slept I feel like that all the time. I feel like that right now. I’m talking to you but I really don’t know what I’m saying to you.” This hazy mind state inspired new EP Insomnia (purchase here) and with up to 25% of Australians suffering the same cruel affliction, we thought it wise to ask for her top five things to do when you can’t get to sleep. Here’s what she sent us…
1) Google your ex-boyfriends. This is pretty self explanatory. Also, perhaps kind of unnecessary because if you are seriously reading this and you have never performed the ritual sneaky late night google-of-the-ex then you need to put this down right now and go see what you’re missing out on. I don’t care what time it is.
2) Write to your grandparents. This may sound like a strange idea at first, but believe me, when you think about how much of your life’s detail you are actually willing to share with your grandfolks, the yeasty goodness of your drunken escapades will give way to the fluffy vanilla froth of pleasantry. Trying to actually list all the safe, g-rated, benign stuff you’ve done will make you immediately drowsy. Also, it is a very good idea to stay on their good side. They have spent their lives accumulating stuff. Cool stuff. Like transistor radios. And property. I know you don’t need much space for your laptop and bowl of ramen right now, but when you’re older you’re going to want to be ALL over that Will and Testament Situation. Trust me.
3. Yell at the television.
Dear Television, Dear 4am,
On behalf of myself and every other human who is currently awake and in possession of more than seven functional brain cells, I would like to state the following:
Zumba, Sheercover, The Ped Egg, Mr T and his Creepy Grill, The Stupid Shake Weight That Looks Exactly Like Masturbating A Penis, Proactiv, Jessica Simpson, Katy Perry, that weird chick who was in Party of Five, P90X, Trashy blonde bony ladies from Los Angeles, Smug Buff Men from Los Angeles, The Ah Bra, The Yes Dress, The Dustbuster, Ab Curl Pro, Nude by Nature, Thin Lizzy, et al is of no fucking interest to ANYONE so please please stop torturing us with this shitful awful propaganda and just put the simpsons repeats back on like you KNOW YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO.
Kind regards,
Everyone, Ever.
4) Wax your moustache. (Or, Men, trim your nose hairs.) This is not a secret: Girls have lip hair. PRETTY MUCH EVERY GIRL HAS LIP HAIR. I have lip hair. Said lip hair needs to be ripped off every once in a while, lest things begin to grow in/from it. It’s one of those stupid trivial things that I never remember to do, or alternatively too busy to spend half the day with a red bald moustache where my weird hair moustache used to be. 3am is a perfect time for this. Men, see above, re: nostril hair. Don’t ask me why girls have nose hairs that stay inside their noses and men don’t. I can’t tell you.
5) Take a chill pill. You know, the special kind.
Title Image by Stefan Postles via Getty
