Hold me closer Tony Danza and welcome to another edition of The X-Factor Australia Semi-Finals Live Blog. The result of tonight’s show determines just which performers and, more importantly, which judges will remain in the running for whatever title the winner of this show receives. Most X-Factorous? Smuggest git? Next heinous McDonald’s spokesperson? Most likely to create Sunday Telegraph back page ‘Spotted’ fodder? I don’t know. Those of you playing along at home can catch up on all the non-action from last night’s show here.
As always, treat yoself to a drink or thirteen, open up a tab on Twitter, don’t go breaking my heart and rejoin us here at 7:32pm AEST for tonight’s results show, which features special guests Elton John, PNAU, some people with a song that sounds like an explosive device and some typically questionable styling. I can’t not wait.
7:33pm – I feel really bad for everyone at Radiohead and the GQ Men of the Year Awards right now. Their loss, amirite guy?!
7:35pm – Out come the judges. Let’s dissect what they’re wearing: Ronan actually looks quite okay in a navy blue suit and blue oxford. Nat ‘More is More’ Bassingthwaite looks hella shiny in a loose metallic number. Mel B looks a delight in sheer black lace number and Guy looks refined in a herringbone grey suit with a white club collar shirt. The kerchief and the giant red lapel flower – which is clearly not a Remembrance Day poppy because it’s two days too late, so I can say this – are a bit much. Otherwise, not bad from you judges.
7:39pm – First up are trumpet toting dance trio Sam and The Something? Sam and The Womp, apparently, who are “blowing up all around the world” according to Luke JacobzZzZz. They’re like a musical hybrid of Alex Gaudino, Björk and Die Antwoord. That’s not a good thing and I feel bad for mentioning Björk in the same sentence as Alex Gaudino. Pls 4give me. There’s a ten minute recap of last night’s episode in which no new insight is revealed, beside the fact that Samantha Jade is something like number two on the iTunes charts right now. All those pyrotechnics are finally starting to pay off it would seem. Womp womp next!
7:55pm – Here they are! Sir Elton John sits centre stage wearing a sequinned blazer and cobalt blue eyeglasses that match his shirt – what the fuck else would he wear? – and the Pnau guys are in black and white tuxedos because of fancy reasons. That and they’re going to the GQ Awards afterward. UPDATE: Where they would later win band of the year. They’re singing Curtains and my initial impression is that Nick Littlemore would make a fantastic Julian Assange in a Broadway musical/biopic based on the Wikileaks founder’s life. Not sure who Elton would play. Rebekah Brooks? It doesn’t matter really, because he would definitely win whichever award he hasn’t won yet and be one step closer to EGOT status, if he doesn’t already have EGOT status. That was a nice performance but my socks are still firmly on and my mind is still (partly) in tact. Elton is, to paraphrase, super stoked to be working with the Pnau guys and became a huge fan of their work after he first heard Wild Strawberries five years ago. He liked them so much he picked them up/gotta pick ’em up.
8:06pm – Results time. That means something actually has to happen now, which is exciting because nothing has happened in the last half hour. I am so bored guys. Samantha Jade is the first act through to the Grand Final. Guy just creamed himself! Joining SJ in the GF is JO (Jason Owen) who is all about the fist pump action tonight. Nice on Jase. I can’t wait to see the denim tuxedo he pulls out for the Grand Final! Seriously! I love double denim.
8:07pm – If you suck at maths like Ronan does (“Two great acts are going to be in the bottom two”) this means Bella Ferraro Rocher and The Collective are going to be singing for their lives. Unfortunately, I have to agree with Ronan. The Collective probably don’t deserve to be in the bottom two – Jason, however, does for that LeAnn Rimes song. At least we can take comfort in knowing that Bella is exactly where she belongs.
8:13pm – Okay so Elton doesn’t have an Emmy. Could this next performance make him eligible for Emmy status? No, probably not.
8:16pm – Thankfully, after a kinda snoozy performance before with Curtains, Elton John VS Pnau are back to perform their first collaborative effort, Good Morning To The Night. I’m a little (very) disappointed there hasn’t been a costume change or – for once – some of this show’s predictably terrible choreography (what, no glitter hearts on legs Elton!?) to accompany the songs because this is a little bit boring.
8:22pm – You guys broke our website again so I’m writing this in an email to myself #foreveralone.
8:25pm – Alrighty then. Bella is first up and she’s singing Sarah McLachlan’s song about (being in the arms of the) ‘Angels’. You know who doesn’t want to be in the arms of the Angels? Melissa Geo- sorry, I think we’re done with that one now.
8:26pm – I’m doing a very talent show judge thing and listening to Bella with my eyes closed. It;s not making typing any easier but I think it’s working. I can definitely concentrate on her jumpy vocals much better this way. Bella sounded okay, but sometimes I get the feeling all those vocal pyrotechnics and scales (I don’t know what they’re called, sorry) only serve to cover the fact that her voice, while it’s “kewt and indie” (quote N. Bassingthwaite), isn’t the strongest. That was nice though. Only Nat stood up for her if that gives you any indication.
8:29pm – It’s The Collective’s turn. They’re singing ‘Use Somebody’ by Kings of Leon. I just want to lightly slap the faces of each of these guys like a row of dominos, especially the one who for some reason is so bloody adverse to wearing sleeves. They performed and it was fine – like I said last night, they’re very HSC drama GP, right down to the arms around each other tableaux at the end.
“Bros.”
8:35pm – Hey, what’s up Rachel Leahcar, the Bella Ferraro of The Voice? Doing a bit of network-jumping these days are we? No, not really. Rachel will appear in a Sunday Night news piece about her vision. Looks emotional.
8:37pm – Okay decision time. Ronan thinks it’s not over for The Collective, even if they get sent home tonight and basically thinks Bella peaked in her audition. He is obvs sending The Collective through to the big ole GF so that’s a no brainer, which is a good thing for The Collective, who might’ve missed his point otherwise.
Nat thinks it “has been quite brilliant watching you [The Collective] grow each week.” Like Ronan, and like everyone, Nat acknowledges that everyone “only sees Bella as her first audition” but she sees much more in her than that. There are some barely contained tears and again there are some kind words about journey and growth and love. This is all very emotional. I am crying. Ha ha just kidding. Gotcha there didn’t I?
Mel B says tonight Bella reminded her why she was here – “you gave it everything, thank you for reminding me of you,” which seems like a bit of a backhanded compliment. She commends The Collective for giving each performance “their vibe,” a constructive observation, and she almost said “head fuck” on live TV but pulled herself back at the last second! After some more talking Mel B is sending Bella through to the final. It’s decision time – and Guy has the deciding vote. Drama!
8:41pm – I only just realised that Guy tonight is either a) paying homage to Kanye West’s style circa 808s and Heartbreak or b) totally ripping off the ‘steez’ of Kanye West circa 808s and Heartbreak. Which one is it? You decide.
8:41 and a half – Guy is still talking and it’s taking aaaages. He’s just praising eerbody. “I feel like we’re talking about the battle of two genres,” and as soon as he mentioned Bella’s name some guy just broke his throat screaming out “Bella!” Dude this isn’t fucking Breaking Dawn Part II meets Streetcar. Chill the Kowalski out. It’s finally decision time: Guy has deferred his vote to The Collective to create a deadlock, forcing Luke Jacobz to resort to the public vote. Please bring me your torches.
8:43pm – Hurry the shit up Jacobz. He’s talking about auditing and all this boring numbers crap, which is reality TV for institutionally endorsed sadistic prolonging of contestant’s pain. It’s delightful.
8:44pm – “It is official. The last act to join Samantha and Jason is… The Collective!“
8:46pm – There you go. Bella’s run in the competition is over, meaning that she totally dropped out of high school for nothing! Whoops. Oh well. Bella wants to thank everyone, so she does. She is literally thanking everyone and it is taking forever.
8:48pm – Just when you thought this couldn’t go on any longer, Nat Bass takes the microphone: “Bella is one of the only contestants to have her songs in the charts every week. I have no doubt in my mind people will be buying her albums very soon. And while you’re there please hit up my Rogue Trader’s back catalogue! You are my voodoo child, my voodoo child thank you and good night Australia!”
8:49pm – The X-Factor Grand Final airs at 7:30pm on Monday and Tuesday next week. Boyz II Men and One Direction will both perform, although I think the latter will be joining us via satellite because they can’t be bovvered to attend en person. Unlike those five crumbs we’ll be here for you live and uncensored, and that’s what makes us beautiful. Hit up the comments section below with your emotions. Until next week, here’s looking at you kids!
