The 2014 MTV VMAs have just finished [I think? Beyoncé just slayed so that means ‘it’s over, shut it down’ in any language]. Bored rich people are well on their way to being bored and rich at various after parties, Blue has been laid down to rest in anticipation of the coming feast and the Red Carpet dissection is just beginning.
This year’s red carpet was a subdued affair, one that could be organised into three groups chromatically speaking: ‘Fifty Shades of Beige’, ‘Black’ and ‘Shiny’. For an event that calls for fun ‘n sexy casual dressing, hemlines and standards tended toward the lower end of either spectrum. Perhaps the best example of that was Katy Perry and Riff Raff, who exhumed Justin and Britney’s infamous Canadian tuxedo ensembles of 2001 to terrifying effect.
Heinous outfits of that ilk are what we’ve come to expect from this revered awards ceremony, but instead of OTT hot messes, we were served the following:
Kesha Rose wore an iridescent Johanna Johnson gown with undertones of the Givenchy number Anne Hathaway wore to the London premiere of Les Misérables.
[BRB just going to go cry wank over Getty’s red carpet archives and the poor life choices that have lead me to that sentence.]
Get it? Get it.
Jessie J’s goddess look is 93% wind and that’s okay. It’s vintage Halston. TBH, it’s pretty ethereal/boring.
Shout out to Wiz for wearing a Lifeline awareness shirt and his favourite VMA shoes. GOOD GOD IN HEAVEN, S/O to Amber Rose for not even giving a modicum of a phuck in Laura Dewitt. It’s woven from crossed fingers, Hollywood tape and all of our pre-teen jean wallet chains.
Miley has never looked better rolling in an Alexander Vauthier Couture leather bandeau and high-waisted harem jodhpurs. Brief: nailed.
Flesh coloured glitter, Ariana Grande, has worked with Nicki Minaj all of one time and now look at her.
She’s wearing Jeremy Scott for Moschino, plus fuck-me-boots. She still hasn’t cut out her super heinous weave, FFS.
Chanel Iman looks severe in a body con mess of computer cables similar to Shakira’s Billboard Awards moment – a #stronglook, probably from Balmain, I guess.
Definitely in Balmain and Repossi rings is sexy door snake, Jourdan Dunn.
Solange looks classy as balls in a le smoking by H&M accessorised with salty looks. It cost less than $200. Have a great day.
Ireland Baldwin and Angel Haze might be the cutest. Ireland wears ill-fitting Roberto Cavalli and is an Angel hair’s breadth away from Tara Reid territory.
Greetings, amateurs. The Portrait of Dorian Gwen opts for a bustier twin set in her favourite shades: ‘black magic’ and ‘the blood of virgins’.
Question: does I-G-G-Y have her own face tattooed on her wrist? This ill-fitting, intricately beaded, in-need-of-a-steam situation is by Atelier Versace. Looks heavenly from the shoulders up, tho.
Taylor Swift is serving leg in a Mary Katrantzou romper that, if you let your vision blur, spells out ‘Death To Haters, I Love Lena Dunham’s New Bob byeeee xoxo‘ in Cyrillic.
Jane Fonda looks amazing in Louis Vuitton.
Kelly Rowland brings the drama in floor-length fluorescent beige sequins. Congratulations, Kelly Rowland.
Never forget.
I like Kim’s cane chair weave batwing Balmain, but nothing about this hair is doing any of us any favours.
Rita Ora is all leg and all face.
Demi Lovato is kind of leg and semi-face.
Don’t.
Can’t.
Can.
Will.
WIN.
Photos by Larry Bussaca, Frazer Harrison, Christopher Polk, Jason Merritt, Michael Buckner via Getty Images; GIF via Vulture
