You may have noticed a story doing the rounds of the tabloids today, concerning a certain Canadian pop star‘s alleged threesome with a British ‘model’, who recently sold said story to said tabloids.

The story is a gripping tale of champagne-fuelled parties and x-rated games of truth-or-dare, that culminates with the alleged threesome, starring Justin Bieber‘s pop star peen.  

Now, we’re not saying that this saga of Biebs-on-girl-on-girl is just a piece of erotic fan fiction, cooked up by a desperate attention-seeker with a thirst for notoriety and limited grasp of how ‘sex’ works, but we’re not not saying that, ja feel?

The story begins with our plucky protagonist, who shall remain unnamed, catching Bieber’s eye across a crowded night club dance floor in London, just like a fairy tale.

She is invited to join him, mingling with a throng of 20 women at his table, but makes a sufficient impression that, in short order, she is whisked away to a fancy hotel in a blacked-out car. 

At this point the narrative takes a heavily-expository ‘and then this happened, and then this happened’ turn:

“I was taken to this huge room which had been kitted out with a massive sound system and there was booze everywhere. There were four boys and a group of 10 girls, all really glamorous. The party was in full swing and Justin was showing off his dance moves. I wanted to take a selfie to show all my friends but security took my phone at the door and put it in a bucket. [Justin said] ‘Right girls, let’s play.’ He kissed one of the girls as a dare and that’s when it started to get on another level.”

To recap: Justin Bieber KISSED a girl, on the MOUTH probably. Stop reading now if this is too hot and heavy to handle.

Soon after the scandalous mouth-kiss, Bieber took a girl into the bedroom to do something unspecified, but probably more mouth-kissing, before “swaggering” out in his boxers 20 minutes later and asking our protagonist to join. Then:

“It was amazing and surreal. The lights were off and we started kissing against a wall. When I looked over to the bed there was another girl. I think she was American. They had clearly been doing something. We got onto the bed and all started fooling around together.”

Things took a turn when Justin rejected the mysterious other girl in favour of our protagonist:

“She didn’t like the fact I was in the situation and left in a strop about 10 minutes in. Justin didn’t go after her. In fact, he seemed more into it, happier, when it was just me and him.”

Justin was probably all like “baby, baby, baby, you’re my world [2.0]”, but we have no way of knowing, as the descriptions of what happened get fairly vague from this point out:

“We just had the most amazing sex. We’d stop for a while and have a cigarette together and chat. He asked a lot about me and what I did. I told him I couldn’t believe I was there with him and he just laughed and said I was cool. It was a bit cheesy-American, but he did not disappoint. Those naked pictures did not do him justice.”

To recap once again: After all that foreplay, Justin and our fair protagonist did a sex together, and it was a good sex, and his thing was so big, and he said I was cool and we smoked grown-up cigarettes. 

YEP, SOUNDS ABOVE-BOARD AND LEGIT.

Bieber’s representatives, unsurprisingly, have not yet commented. 

The question of the standard non-disclosure agreement that you have to sign before your junk touches any part of a celebrity’s junk has not been raised either, but let’s not let that stand in our way.  

And so ends the totally legit story of ‘The Night Justin Bieber Made All My Dreams Come True’.

Story: News.Com.Au / Daily Mail

Photo: Allen Berezofsky via Getty Images