[DISCLAIMER: The following post will be of no interest to teetotalers, recovering alcoholics and commercial radio broadcasters so please ignore.]
We love the ARIAs. It’s that one time of a year when the music industry, which typically spends those other 364 days complaining about dwindling sales, piracy and ‘the death of the recording artist’ get together and blow tons of cash on a swanky ceremony celebrating the exact opposite. If you’ve ever been to the ARIAs, or even watched it on television, you’ll know that it can get stale real fast (unless we’re talking 2010, in which case it got weird real fast), so we thought we’d let you in on the big secret as to why the ceremony runs so smoothly; everyone’s drunk.
But why should they have all the fun? Just because you didn’t figure out why Art and Science are diametrically opposed, or come up with an Australian-sounding knock-off of Bon Iver doesn’t mean that you and your 28 closest friends shouldn’t participate in the greatest tribute to our heritage since John Farnham retired for the 76th time! All you need is a TV, a case of beer that you didn’t buy and some hard liquour for when they get to ‘Best Urban Album’.
Festivities kick off from 4pm today AEDST with the red carpet but you’ll probably only need to tune in from around 7pm. So come join us and get utterly, musically plastered with THE ARIA AWARDS DRINKING GAME.
The rules are as simple as Jess Mauboy.
Take a drink:
Any time a foreign presenter mispronounces the name ‘Gotye’.
Every time a model looks like she’s about to fall over because the ARIA is heavier than she is.
Whenever the words ‘it’s a been a phenomenal year for…’ are uttered.
Every time the camera cuts to a band/artist that hasn’t been popular since 2006 but still manage to get invited to the awards (Veronicas, Operator Please, The Vines et al.)
Every time a former Idol contestant thanks Jesus Christ before their parents.
If you notice Drapht is visibly sober.
Stand up and air punch:
If Grinderman win anything. Nick Cave’s speech will be awesome.
When Jezabels win Breakthrough Artist (Single and/or Album).
Commence a waterfall: (one person starts drinking then person next to them starts then the next and so on)
When John Butler starts talking about the environment.
Have a tablespoon of frog blood:
If Julia Gillard and Kylie pash à la Britney and Madonna at the MTV Awards.
Punch your neighbour
Every time the commentators mention Michael Hutchence.
Every time the camera zooms in on Jimmy Barnes, Marcia Hines or Kirk Pengilly.
Play the song “Prisoner Of Society” by Living End:
If you need to remind yourself what it was they did again.
(Also applicable if the cops break up your ARIA Drinking Party and you somehow get arrested).
Finish your glass:
When Gotye wins Best Male artist.
When Kasey Chambers, somewhat inexplicably, wins Best Female artist over Kimbra.
If a Modular artist doesn’t win Best Dance Release.
Take a shot if:
Guy Sebastian doesn’t win Highest Selling Single.
Please suggest other rules in the comment section or tweet us (@pedestriandaily).
Title Image by Ryan Pierse via Getty