Hey! Hey, guy slash gal! You’ve come here because you know I’m about to tell you how to make your bedroom look good for when you’re about to have sexy times! Thanks for visiting.
I do need to tell you straight up this is nooooooot going to be an article about how to coerce someone into hooking up with you. That is not cool, also it does not work. No one manipulate anyone into sex, OK! It’s very bad and also you are the absolute worst ever if you are even considering it. DO. NOT. EVER.
No, what I’m here to tell you about is how to make your room ~sexy~ for when you have a consensual hook up about to happen. Bc no one wants to hook up in a trash pile with dirty undies on the bed and a flashing alarm clock blinding their eyes. But some of you do not know this. So here we are.
FYI, I have polled the office for these handy tips so they are not just coming from me, if for some reason you think I have no leg to stand on here. Someone told me I was a 70 year old cat lady on an article I wrote yesterday, so I did feel the need to preface this.
LIGHTING
Dooooo not just blind your hook up partner with your fluorescent gross main light. Having sex with the lights on is great, but there’s sexy light and then there’s “Wow, I’ve never seen that mole before” light, OK.
If you have a dimmer switch, use that. If not, candles are always a winner – you’ll need a few to create mood lighting though. But they also give good smells if you get a great one – for a while I was hooking up with a guy who had a coconut/vanilla candle burning every time I came over and it really added some je ne sais quoi, although I have no idea what that means bc I failed French.
Bedside table lamps = fantastic, as do any other form of less-aggro lighting like standing lamps and so on. In fact, if you don’t have any of these things as yet – buy one would ya?
Essentially the light level you want is – you can see each other’s faces and bodies, but you’re not lit up like Christmas trees.
CLEAN YOUR DAMN ROOM
OBVIOUSLY, but there’s clean and then there’s clean – I have been in some “clean” rooms for hook ups and let me tell you, it is not a good time. Shoving dirty undercrackers under your bed does not count as cleaning. Put things away, vaccuum your floor, close cupboards, and no excuses – have clean sheets on the bed. At least sheets you haven’t previously hooked up on, OK?
Speaking of sheets, if you really wanna up your “mood” game, nice ones are a huge plus. Safe zones are linen sheets in white or charcoal. But generally any sheets that aren’t the ones your mum bought you when you moved out? Good.
While we’re at it, if you have time – open your windows and let a breeze in. We all get used to our own pong, and you absolutely have one – especially if you’re of the “I shove my undies under the bed” type. Freshen that baby up!
NO TO SEX MUSIC
Yes to music in general, though. If you want. Just don’t put cliche sex music on, please? It’s weird and creepy and if anything, ruins the mood. The ultimate mood killer is unsubtle hints that you’ll be ~making love~ within hours, and by unsubtle I mean “HEY! I WANNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU!” is the level we are talking.
Good music? Nice, soft tunes like D.D. Dumbo (not the crazy stuff), Timber Timbre, Tame Impala. Not good? Controversial, but The Weeknd, Frank Ocean – too sexy. It’s too obvious. You want relaxing and a bit oooh-errr but not heyheyheyheyyyyyyyy, ya feel? You don’t feel, but that is where this sentence ends.
TURN OFF ELECTRONICS
Phone? Off. Or at least on silent. TV? Get it OUTTA THERE. Electronics are a total mood-killer. There’s nothing less sexy (there is, but you know) than someone checking their group chat because it’s just “full of bants tonight, hey” when your heads are getting closer together and a kiss was about to happen.
Some people think watching TV is a good prelude to sexy times. I, and everyone in this office so therefore the entire world, think not. TV’s usually overly upbeat (reality shows, Home and Away) or insanely dark (MindHunter, The Sinner) so it’s all a bit no, isn’t it.
PUT PUPPER/CATTO AWAY
Hey you know what is uncomfortable? A cat staring at you mid-coitus. Just staring into your soul, or lightly booping you on the upper thigh. If you’ve got a cat or a dog – or hell, any form of animal – politely move them from the room before your hook up person comes over.
Also worth checking for sneaky poos or general hair explosions around your room, because that stuff’s not very sexy either, is it.
