The house that belonged to John Proctor, who was famously hanged for witchcraft during the Salem witch trials, is up for sale in Peabody, Massachusetts – just in time for Halloween.

The house is remarkably well-preserved, with “many historic features intact“, according to local real estate listings. It also looks – let us be frank with one another – extremely, absolutely, one hundred per cent haunted.

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The six-bedroom, two-bathroom house will set you back US$600,000 (about $850,000), which will get you claustrophobic ceiling beams, a treacherous in-ground swimming pool, and fireplaces that are somehow in black and white?

no thanks

Prior to being convicted and hanged for witchcraft in 1692, John Proctor was a tavern owner and farmer. It’s not known for sure whether he actually lived in the house that’s currently for sale – preliminary historical analysis suggests that the place was built by Proctor’s son, Thorndike Proctor, after his father’s death, and not in 1638 as the little plaque on the house says – but frankly who cares, ‘cos the place has spooky credentials in spades.

Note that we’re calling this 17th-century spectre “haunted” rather than “hexed”, considering that the Salem witch trials were all about accusing innocent people of witchcraft in a kind of town-wide hysteria of one-upmanship and boredom, and not about any actual witches.

We’re pretty sure that even if he never lived there, the ghost of John Proctor is hanging out around one of those black-and-white hearths, probably bitching about how Daniel Day Lewis did a crappy job of portraying him in The Crucible, and just itching to startle the shit out of whichever gullible fool wants to get their hands on a piece of American real estate history.

Jezebel suggests turning it into a community hall for witches, but we strongly suggest leaving it the hell alone and never speaking of it again. Have we learned nothing from The Haunting of Hill House? Stay away from evil buildings!

Source: Jezebel
Image: Getty Images / [Photographer name]