Gentle reader, if you love a good haunted house as much as we do, then we may have found just the property for you, because this “mystic house” that recently went on the market in Adelaide frankly seems spooky as fucken balls.

The description of the house via realestate.com.au lays it all out there, telling potential buyers “if you are a scaredy cat, don’t come.” Built circa 1865, the property has a “tiny original chapel” (!!!) as well as dual cellars and a roof top viewing platform.

Additionally, “it backs onto the council reserve, so you feel like you are deep in the country.” In other words, nobody will hear you scream when the cenobites come up through the floorboards to drag you to their hell dimension. Nice.

Let’s take a look at this place, shall we? From the outset, Woodforde House – there’s a haunted house name if I ever bloody heard one – looks like a lovely historical dwelling and a very fine place to call home.

I mean, it would need a bit of upkeep, and there are lots of little nooks and crannies for dust to gather, but that’s all within the very acceptable limits of normal old house problems.

The wallpaper was a very bold choice, but sure.

The outside actually looks nice and spacious, and there’s even a pool for the kids. Come to think of it …

Wait, no, what the fuck is this?

NOPE.

Nope, absolutely not. Shut it the fuck down, and bring me a stick of sage to cleanse this place immediately.

Does the spirit of this woman from the portrait still linger here? I DUNNO, PROBABLY.

Will her icy hand tug at the the covers from the foot of the bed at night, as she invites you to lay with her in eternal slumber and whispers forbidden secrets at you from beyond the grave? Look, I’m not superstitious but the answer to that is definitely a firm yes.

Anyway, the house, in Magill, is up for auction at the end of September, “tiny original chapel” and all. You can see more pics of it here and frankly, if you’re brave enough to bid then best of luck to you.