A few years back, I was having sexual relations with my ex-boyfriend.
We began by kissing on his bed. As the usual routine goes, after 5 – 7 minutes of kissy, he started creeping towards my nether regions, slowly. No prizes for guessing what was to come next.
“Hey, just hold on a sec,” he whispered through a mischievous grin, before jumping off the bed and running out of the room.
A usually vanilla operator, I was unsure of what he was going to do or where he was going. If he was being true to his character, he would have been ducking out to check the footy scores. But no. This time was different.
He came back into the bedroom with something in his mouth.
An ice cube.
and not the famous / talented kind
As soon as I realised what was in his mouth, my teeth clenched, my legs seized up and I had a sudden urge to itch the back of my neck nervously.
He proceeded to perform the most chilling cunnilingus I have ever experienced. Part of me believes my cavity grew icicles that night; icicles I still cannot melt.
Clearly he had gained this advice from a virgin. As uncomfortable as it was, it’s not the worst advice ever doled out. The following Reddit thread proves that. User Coolman_Express took to the platform to ask, “What’s the worst sexual advice you’ve ever heard?”
And oh boy, there are some absolute belters. Truly. Unbelievable.
One of the famous cosmo ones. “A SHOELACE: Wrap it around the middle of his shaft once, so you have two long ends. Then … pull on the strings, flossing it up and down.” – Tisarwat
Not me, but my sister works in an adult toy shop, and she told me this story. A customer asked her co-worker the difference between two types of We-Vibes, and the employee told her that one was for “square vaginas”, and the other was designed for “triangular vaginas.” – Clawtooth
From Cosmo (obviously): “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.” I’m just imagining a woman riding her boyfriend and suddenly grabing a pepper mill and yelling “Would you want some pepper with that?” – -Lime-The literal worst: “Bite the bean”. – Plz_Pm_Me_Cute_Fish
(I’m a guy and I think my dick just became an innie. Sorry to any ladies out there who have had this happen. wrote Stichthealchemist in response.)
Masturbate in front of him using a popsicle and then “invite him to fuck your shockingly icy pussy.” – Grave_Girl
“It’s simple. Just stick it inside her and pee” – BaftyCrastards
“You only become pregnant if you both finish at the same time.” – cheekahrah
(Another user chimed in at this point and wrote “Jesus. I wouldn’t have children if this were true.” This was followed by a comment from ER_nesto, who wrote “Nah, we’d all just be really good in bed, because natural selection”. Boom.)
Pull anal beads out like you’re starting a lawnmower. – okay_sky
Cosmo: Find the seam on his balls and give them a pinch, it will make his orgasm that much more mind blowing. My ex-girlfriend tried this on me, it made me cry. – Taftimus
Thinking of using one of the above tips? Don’t.
Source: Reddit.
Photo: American Pie.
