Sex is great. Sex is also often fucking awkward. Hell, even 100/10 hot-as-hell sex usually involves someone pulling a weird cum face or a sneaky fart, right? RIGHT??
We’ve pulled a bunch of incredibly awkward, often-times horrific sex stories for you to laugh/cry/scream over. Be warned, you’ll never want to bone again after these.
My friend was hooking up with a guy who had a penis piercing – the one you get at the tip, you know? Anyway, she used an IUD as contraception. I’m sure you can see where this is going. They start boning, then suddenly he stops and holds up HER FUCKING IUD. She was so shocked she didn’t even notice the excruciating pain. But then of course, it happened and he had to rush her to hospital.
– Laura, 28
NO IF’S AND BUTTS
So I started getting kinky with this boy and used my vibrator on him by putting it in his ass, and he LOVED IT. Obvi I stopped using it then and it became just for him, bc hygiene. Anyway, he was obsessed, we couldn’t have sex without it after that. Cut to him dumping me a few months later and me being mentally unstable and screaming at him on the phone “YEAH WELL REMEMBER WHEN I STOPPED USING THE VIBRATOR IN YOUR BUTT? THAT WAS BECAUSE A BIT OF POO CAME OUT ON IT”. He never spoke to me again.
– Izzy, 23
OOPSIE HELLO PERIOD
I had made it to the “sex date” with the guy I’m seeing, and everything was going fine – amazing, actually. Until it was all over and he said “umm, did you know you’re on your period?” Given it wasn’t due for another week, I looked down curiously and was met with ABSOLUTE, TOTAL CARNAGE. A blood bath. All over his dick, all over the bed. He was extremely good about it but I was mortified – sure, a period accident is NBD when you’re dating someone but the first time you bone? Horrific.
– Elena, 25
Once, a guy desperately asked me to pee on him cause he couldn’t “finish” without it but I didn’t want to, and my excuse was “I don’t want to make a mess”. So he said we could do it in the backyard, and so we went to the backyard and as he was got down on his knees and closed his eyes I jumped the back fence and ran away.
– Kyle, 27
I went all the way out west somewhere with a girl to have sex, and when we got there she revealed she lived at home still but it was ok cause “we’ll do it downstairs and no one will hear”. So we folded out the sofa bed and got nude, but then heard footsteps coming down the steps and hid under the blanket. The footsteps walked all the way to the sofa bed and the sheet got ripped off me – it was her 50 yr old bald dad. He made me get dressed in front of him and then walked me out the door whilst she just lay there with the sheet over her head. By the way, it was 3am and my phone was dead, I didn’t know where I was and it took an hour to walk to a busy road where there were taxis. It cost me $90 to get home. The kicker? It was the night before Father’s Day. So she had to sit through a Fathers Day lunch with her whole family the next day.
– Josh, 31
Lol, so one time my bf went down on me and out of nowhere he got a blood nose. It went everywhere, and it was a frantic ten mins of trying to figure out if I had my period/if my vagine had somehow exploded. There were no tissues around so my bf had to roll up a mini pad and shove it up his nose. It was great.
– India, 23
My boyfriend and I decided to experiment with sex toys – in particular, an egg-shaped vibrator you were meant to put inside you, and give your partner the control to. All was going OK until the egg “disappeared” up inside my vagina. Obviously this is fine – all women know things can only venture so far up there – but my boyfriend started freaking out and panicking to all hell. I had to lie there fishing around for this slippery egg while he panicked and debated calling emergency.
– Jess, 21
I broke my boyfriend’s dick. Actually, technically, he wasn’t even my boyfriend at the time. We were having sex in the shower and he was holding me up, and then, at the same time as I went to “get down”, he thrust up. He screamed, and next minute, there was blood everywhere. Like, everywhere. It was running down the drain and there was still blood. Eventually (like weeks later) I convinced him to go to a doctor, who said he’d snapped something called the banjo string. Anyway, after that, I became known on campus for a few weeks as “the girl who broke her boyfriend’s dick” (I was a Fresher), and we ended up dating for 3.5 years.
– Rebecca, 32
I once met a girl for a drinks date, and she had mentioned that she was getting over a cold. I didn’t think anything of it – people get colds, nbd etc. One thing led to another and we ended up back at her place. We started to have sex, and as we were making out I heard her do a huge sniffle/snort thing through her nose, then felt something go down my throat. It was exactly what you are thinking. A giant glob of snot. I honestly couldn’t help but dry-retch in her face. Needless to say I didn’t see her again and had a cold for the next week.
– Hannah, 28
DON’T SMOKE & POKE