How To Sober Up: Your Surefire Guide To Cleansing Your Body Of Literal Evil Spirits

Hello friends, chances are if you have found this article, you need some serious help sobering up. You’ve got just a little too much alcohol in your blood and a bit too much party in your spirit. It’s time to cleanse, recover and return to your natural state, but how the hell do you do that?

In this article, I am going to put on my doctor’s glasses and run you through some techniques, both legitimate and otherwise, that will hopefully help to teach you how to sober up. Is there one golden answer? Absolutely not, but I’ll be damned if I don’t try to find one that works for you.

Alright, let’s get cracking. You’ve had a bit to drink, but it’s now time to snooze / go to work. Here’s how to sober up.

Jump in the ocean

Get your drunk ass into the water immediately. Nothing heals the body like submerging yourself in some cold H20.

A beach is recommended for that sobering up experience, but you can always hit up the local pool as well.

This method is recommended for those of you who are just a little bit drunk, or are struggling to fight off a hangover. I do not suggest going for a swim when you’re off your tits, please and thank you.

how to sober up swim
Getty: Halfpoint Images

Your friend and mine, Hydralyte

Rumour has it that on the seventh day in creating the world, God rested. This, my friends, is false, as he was actually busy making Hydralyte.

This stuff is fkn legendary, and I suggest you have a nice cold glass of Hydralyte before bed, or as soon as you wake up. We’re heading straight for wellness, and stopping at every hydration station. All aboard!

If drinking water isn’t your thing for some reason, you can chill out with a nice Hydralyte iceblock before bed, which will make you feel just as good inside.

Getty: Dougal Waters

Big juice

Nothing says ‘how to sober up’ like a big fuck-off glass of juice. Orange, apple or even pear (if ya nasty) are my recommendations. Just get a big old glass and take it to bed with you, what could possibly go wrong?

Juice is especially tasty in the mornings, especially with a nice big brekky. If you’re looking to sober up, this is absolutely my go-to.

Now if you need me I have some 100% orange juice to scull immediately.

alcohol how to sober up
Getty: Stephen Zeigler

Smoothie time

This one is pretty similar to juice, but is a little more difficult to just pull out of your fridge on a Monday morning. If you have access to a lovely little smoothie place nearby, or a cute little blender, you can whip yourself up a delicious fruit smoothie that is bound to cure your hangover and sober yourself up.

Seriously, the power that juice has over the body is one of the seven mysteries of the world.

sober up
Getty: Stephen Zeigler

Let it all out

Sometimes all your body needs is a morning poop to cure the soul. Unfortunately, sometimes it needs a morning vom too. Whatever your body calls for you to do, just listen, and you’ll start to feel better right after.

If your body doesn’t want to do either of these things, just let it be and try one of these other methods.

Shoutout to one of my colleagues who suggested big poo and big juice as a way to sober up. The best of both worlds really.

how to sober up
Getty: Seksan Mongkhonkhamsao

Berocca potion

Gather round witches, and let me teach you the ways of the forbidden Berocca potion. What you’ll need to do is mix Berocca, Powerade and a soluble Aspirin, and you have yourself a magical healing brew.

Hydration, fixation and relaxation is what we’re all about. If you’re looking for answers on how to sober up, this new mixture may just become your new best friend.

Also you can start passing it around to your drunk/sobering up friends and pretend you’re an amazing healing witch. Win win.

berocca drunk
Getty: Prasngkh Ta Kha

Ice cold shower

Get up out of bed and put yourself through some real hell to shake your body to life. You know the rules, no heat allowed, we’re going for an ice cold shower babey.

Now the thing is, this method is considered to be a full-blown myth, and definitely isn’t for everyone. If you like being blasted with cold waters first thing in the morning, then maybe you will actually feel invigorated by this method, otherwise don’t bother dragging yourself through all the pain.

Maybe super hot showers are more your style? I’m not stopping you from doing as you please in there, I’m no shower cop. Whatever you prefer to help you re-engage with the world, you may do it.

how to sober up
Getty: Camila Massu

Maccas sprite

Maccas sprite has literal magic in it. Don’t you dare look at me and suggest otherwise. There is something mystical in that cup, and it tastes far superior to regular sprite.

Will it sober you up? Absolutely not. Will it make you feel one million times better about yourself and your life choices? Yes. That’s just science babes.

And while you’re at it, get a Big Mac or something. You fkn deserve it, okay?

how to sober up
Getty: picture alliance

And that’s how to sober up, my friends. If none of these worked for you, try every single one at once. It won’t work any better for you, but it sure will be entertaining.