So. Australia‘s next Bachelorette is… Angie Kent from Gogglebox. This is really happening. Apparently, most of you think this is a bang-up brilliant idea. Also – apparently everyone loves Gogglebox. WHY. DO YOU ALL. LOVE. GOGGLEBOX.

See, I spent all my formative years – that being all the years since Gogglebox hit Australian screens, which is 2015 onwards – assuming that most of this country loathed the stupid show. I genuinely thought, at the very least, that all the human beings I surround myself with thought the show was a pile of flaming shit.

Turns out, I was very wrong.

Since the announcement of Angie being the new Lady Bachie, I have been very vocal about my dissent. I believe the words “why the fuck is someone from the worst show on Earth the new Bachelorette”, and “out of all the single women in Australia, this is who they pick” were thrown around. Now, this was no shade toward Angie as a person – I’m sure she’s lovely and funny and interesting. This really was not about her and was entirely about how someone who is famous for talking while the TV is on is now going to be the Bachelorette.

The thing is… instead of hearing a resounding “I KNOW RIGHT”, I was looking at a bunch of blinky blinkersons. The office was staring at me like I’d said “who wants a free bag of spirulina powder!”. And then, the rebuttals started.

“Gogglebox is pretty good, hey.”

“Have you watched it Mel? It’s pretty funny.”

These statements were coming from people I consider mates. People I thought I knew. Undeterred, I took the question to my group chat.

“PLEASE TELL ME YOU ALL THINK GOGGLEBOX IS FUCKED” I screamed into the Facebook void.

The replies were… not good. My group chat unanimously enjoyed Gogglebox from time to time, with the exception of one person who hadn’t seen it before but “didn’t hate it”.

So what I have realised here is that I am maybe the only person who thinks the show is the worst. But how can you not accept these facts?

1. We Are Literally Just Watching People Watch TV.

It’s not even new TV. It’s shows and episodes of shows that aired the week before. So I am now spending my leisure time, the precious hours of my personal life, watching other people watch TV and talk about the TV they’re watching.

2. Also, They’re Not That Funny.

This would be fine if it were, say, comedians watching TV. I love comedians! I love their idle thoughts! I get that commentary on shit is funny, like when comedians talk over films and so on. But why do I want to watch Gloria, 58, a carbon-copy of my next door neighbour watch MAFS while saying inane shit like “oh my goooourd” and “look at her hair, I like it”. Even when there is a joke it’s like, 3/10 funny. I’m sorry, that’s just my opinion. This isn’t funny.

This? Also not funny.

I will give you this. This one is a tiny bit funny.

3. I Feel Like The Entire Point Of Watching Is To Say “I Could Be On This Show”

Right? Is that not what everyone does when watching this show? Yes, because it is literally JUST ANYONE watching TV.

I know what you’re thinking – ughhhhh this is some pearl-clutching person who doesn’t own a TV or refuses to watch anything that isn’t on SBS. NO. WRONG. I love The Bachelor. I love MAFS. I watch a LOT of shit TV, guys. I am not a purist about my shows.

Anyway I know 90% of you are going to yell at me for this because like I said, I’ve worked out everyone wants to suck the dick off this show for some reason. FINE. FINE, HAVE YOUR DUMB DUMB STUPID DUMB BABY SHOW. I’m fine.

Image: Gogglebox