Gifting is a tricky artform at the best of times. Performed by most but mastered by few. A good gift has the ability to show someone how well you know and love them. Personally I love to buy birthday gifts for those I love, they are spread throughout the year so you have time to think about each one, and spend what you want on it, and I think I’m pretty good at it.
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However, at Christmas time, it’s more of a duty bestowed onto us by our capitalist society rather than an act of passion, and until we all come to our senses on how unsustainable and odd this concept is, bowing out of this song and dance implies that we are stingy and selfish (I don’t make the rules).
We are not buying for one, we are buying for everyone we know, and buying for those who are buying for us, and buying for bloody everyone in the world, it feels like. Add a small budget and time restraints into the mix and understandably the odds are we are all going to both give and receive some absolute dogshit gifts this Christmas.
But as I like to say, what is life without a lol? (You can quote me on your Instagram bio if you like). I’ve asked my friends, family and co workers what the worst gift they have ever received was, and I’ve had a good few lols indeed.
I’ll start with my own. Me and my first (and only for that matter) boyfriend Kurt (22y/o) had gotten together the week of Christmas, so I was expecting something très romantic for our one year anniversary, which practically fell on Christmas Day. I spent a few hundred on him, and he bought me… a whiteboard.
The small kind in buckets near the Ikea checkouts that are put there as impulse buys. Not even a big one. There was no note on the whiteboard, I looked at him for direction and he said “So you can get your life together”. He didn’t even say it meanly, just in a kind of sad, encouraging way. I got my life together eventually by dumping him (I wish I could say via the whiteboard).
Here are some more incredibly shitty gifts to inspire you this Christmas.
“A ‘2GB’ g-banger from my mother, your grandmother” – my Aunt Jacqui. “Makes you wonder what the GB in 2GB stands for”.
Unfortunately, I am not surprised.
“Fat burner tablets from my boyfriend at the time. It was our first Christmas together, too.” – Lucy
“My brother re-gifted me a mug that said “I Love You” that he got from his wedding, paired with a Christian fiction novel. Like… What?” – Alyce
“My mum bought me this ugly yellow wallet that I couldn’t even feign excitement for. I just held it up and said ‘Fucking hell mum have you even met me?’” – Courtney
“My uncle once gifted me a pen, and no not a nice one that you would pull out to sign important documents with, just a plain and simple clicky Bic. Not even a pack to back to school with, just one single clicky Bic”. – Spyros
“My ex gave me one earring. If it was a statement earring, I would understand but it was one little watermelon seed stud. I returned it and got a different design, and paid for the other earring. Now I wear them daily as a reminder to just do it for my fucking self”– Erin
“I once got a Guinness World Records 2002 edition… for Christmas in 2004” – Adrian
Im going to throw in another of my own, perhaps I will quote myself.
“I had been working at Boost Juice for approximately 18 months. There was a big Christmas Eve party happening at my house, which I had to miss as I was working till 11:30pm, blending Mango Magics for the people of Macquarie Centre. I was excited to finally be home by midnight, my parents told me to open my Christmas present in front of all of their party guests. It was a blender. It was LITERALLY the LAST thing I wanted to see.” – Vanna
“My (now estranged) aunty gave me an airline amenities kit one year – and not even one from a schmick business class flight. It was your bog standard kit with a plastic eye mask, retractable toothbrush and tiny Colgate. It shook me to my core.” – Vanessa
“My son gifted my aunt (she was previously a nun and had just left the order) a trilogy of 50 Shades of Grey. She was so excited to receive these books and was happy to have her photo taken, showing off the books. It was a completely different story when she got home and started to read it…..oh boy, the phone call I received.” – Bianca
“My nana is notorious for having really awful toe nails, so for Christmas my cousin, sister and dad gave her a voucher for a free pedicure from my other cousin. He’s incredibly tone deaf and didn’t get the joke and spent the rest of the day denying that it was him” – Jack
“Anything from cousin Andrew” – Jarvis (my cousin). This will only make sense to me, but it’s real talk.
