We Interrupt Your Afternoon To Bring News Of Crazy Squirrel Attacks In NYC

By

Published

July 26, 2017

Australia gets a lot of stick for our overflowing bounty of dangerous wildlife, but the United States definitely has its own dangerous critters: think bears, snakes, alligators, and… squirrels.

Visitors to New York City’s Prospect Park have been warned that one of those malicious little fuckers is on the loose, following five separate incidences of squirrel-on-human attacks over the past week.

New Yorkers: BEWARE ??

A post shared by ABC7NY (@abc7ny) on Jul 25, 2017 at 6:35am PDT

A 7-year-old girl is among one of its victims.

#Squirrel attacks in #ProspectPark. 7yr-old María Guerrero says it leapt up, sank its teeth into her arm. 5 people attacked in 5 days. pic.twitter.com/9AJZy7FVMH

— N. J. Burkett (@njburkett7) July 23, 2017

Fliers posted around the park say “an aggressive squirrel” has been on a rampage, and warn anyone unlucky enough to be nibbled upon to seek medical attention because of the non-zero chance the squirrel is legitimately rabid.

cause we are living in an aggressive world
and i am an aggressive squirrel pic.twitter.com/4JRVjoCW7O

— Cole Stryker (@ColeStryker) July 24, 2017

Due to the statistical unlikelihood of the bastard having rabies and surviving long enough to pass it along to a human (or five), other theories to explain its aggression have been thrown around.

First and foremost, squirrels undergo mad hormonal rushes during puberty which may exacerbate their violent tendencies. Alternatively, the squirrel in question may have been raised as a pet and subsequently released, meaning it could behave differently around people than its wild comrades.

Doesn’t make drop bears sound so ridiculous, does it?

Source: New York Times / BBC.
Photo: Anadolu Agency / Getty.