A while back, I wrote about how I think you’re a monster if you’re not showering at night. I stand by this – I have one shower a day, and it’s at night before bed.
But it’s not just about a nightly shower. Nope – you need to rinse your feet RIGHT before you get into bed. Not an hour before, not thirty minutes before. Not even five mins. You rinse those feeties, pop on some slippers or make a tip-toe run from the bathroom to bed, and that is IT. Night night to you, with the clean feets.
I know a lot of people think this is fucking insane. I get it – we aren’t all obsessed with the cleanliness of our beds. I am, though. I have huge issues with a filthy bed. The bed is a sacred space – sleep is the best part of the day, no question, and turning that oasis into a cesspit with all your bodily filth is revolting.
But feet are by far the most disgusting part of our bodies. Unless you refuse to remove your shoes from dawn until midnight, you have traipsed those soles through a myriad of shit. I mean literal shit particles, but also metaphorical shit.
Food scraps. Hair. Pubic hair. Dirt. Sand. Dust. An old apple sticker. Who fucking knows what’s on our floors – even the cleanest house can’t avoid debris on some surface, and 99.99% of us are NOT living in the cleanest houses, let’s be honest.
Even if you walk from your bedroom to the kitchen, you’re likely to pick up some crap on your feet. Then you slide them into your crisp, clean sheets and spread them all over your body as you move around in bed. DELIGHTFUL.
THEN, the next time you get in bed, you can FEEL THE BITS NEAR YOUR FEET. Seriously – once I dated this guy for months and he never, ever washed his feet before bed, and after like, hmmm, 3 weeks of dating I was spending ten full minutes smacking dirt particles off the bottom sheet every time I stayed over.
Yuck!!! Guys!!! Come on!!! Surely you are not ok with this feeling??? At the most precious of times, your sacred snooze hours?
Just wash your fucking feet, ok? It takes two seconds. Sometimes I just shove them in the sink and turn the tap on. I’m not talking about a huge scrubbing-with-soap affair. Just a quick rinse is fine to get the grit off.
Yes I am aware that hoisting my foot into the sink is weird, and maybe you think it’s an abomination to taint the sacred hand-area with my foot but you know what is more of an abomination? TAINTING YOUR SLEEPYTIME YOU GRUB.
Two things to finish – I know someone who is a drover (yes, really) and he told me that while he goes bush for months on end (again, yes really – I am shocked these people are real too) with rare showers, he always has a little towel on a rock (!!) next to his swag that he wipes his feet on before he gets into bed. He is my people.
Also, I knew someone who walked on tissues to get to the toot from bed so she wouldn’t dirty her feet. Like lay a tissue and then another tissue and picked up the past one. This is a bit wasteful, I don’t recommend – just get yourself some slippers from Kmart and you’re good.