Everything To Avoid At Christmas Dinner If You’re The Family Fuckup (Me)

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Me, I am the shit sibling (most of the time). I thought I’d make that very clear in case my saintly brother reads this and cancels Netflix on me. Please do not do that. Love u, hehe.

It’s Christmas soon which means I a) will accidentally spill some family secret b) forget someone’s gift or c) burn something at the family dinner. Some years, it’s all three. Or it’s bonus option d) wear something Mum will tsk at for three hours. Good stuff. So did I write an entire yarn as a personal reminder to keep my shit together this Christmas dinner? Yes, yes I did. In list form too so I can sneakily tick these things off on the day.

Step One: Make Sure You Signed The Family Christmas Card

Gonna kick things off with an example of me being good for once. This is an easy step, this is doable… even if you leave it to the last minute and end up running around the house with an oddly sharp card shoved down your top.

Step Two: Sort Out What Secrets You’re Keeping From Your Parents

Have I accidentally told Mum about my brother’s ***secret*** girlfriend that I didn’t know was a secret? Maybe! Happens to the best of us!!! Avoid this bloody nuclear bomb by catching up on what can and cannot be discussed at Christmas dinner.

Step Three: Ensure You Have Shit On Your Sibling So They’re Less Inclined To Blab

Ho, ho, HO do I have so much shit on my brother… is what I wish I could say but I don’t so I can’t. But if I did, I would absolutely use it against him and make sure he doesn’t say anything suss about me at the table. But there are other ways to keep your sibling silent if you don’t have any tea on them. I personally like to throw my brother to the sharks (the aunties*) and watch them try and set him up with their daughters. That buys me at least one hour.

*In case this gets lost in translation, we (Asians) call everyone over the age of 50 Aunt and Uncle. Even if they’re not related to us. Even strangers. I don’t know why, but I have approximately 300 aunties.

Step Four: Help Prepare The Food, You Asshole

Dumb side note, but I’ve been laughing at this GIF for ten minutes

Me when I forget to cook the rice and Mum’s on the way home. 

ANYWAY, I know it’s super easy to be like, “Oi, nah, I’ll just cook the rice, chuck a couple of plates on the table and be done with it” but that’s like 0.2 per cent of the amount of work Mum and Dad (mostly Mum) put into the Christmas dinner. Please help out, it’s one day.

Step Five: Watch The Dranks

Self-explanatory, to be honest. It’s one thing to get loose at a work Christmas party, it’s an entirely different thing to get loose in front of your family (sometimes judgemental). Not fun. Set those limits, watch out for each other, hide the rum, do not bring dishonour to your cow etc. etc.

Step Six: Take A Break And Enjoy Watching Your Gross Wanky Cousin Piss Everyone Off

Well done, team – we’re more than halfway through the list. I say it’s time to take a break from being the family idiot because your fuckwit cousin wants the limelight to spew their terrible opinions.

It’s kinda funny as long as you don’t get involved. See step seven.

Step Seven: Do Not, Under Any Circumstances, Stir The Pot

Just don’t. The ten or so minutes of sly satisfaction is not worth the three-week lecture you’re going to cop later. And then every Christmas dinner from then on, someone will bring it up and ugh, I don’t need that negative energy before I feast.

Step Eight: DO NOT AVOID MUM’S STINK EYE

If your mum’s looking at you like this at any point during the dinner, you’ve fucked up. Game over, see you next year. Don’t want this? THEN DON’T AVOID THE BLOODY STINK EYE. Confront the stink eye before it turns into Level 10 Pissed Off Judge Judy, then banish it with a sheepish smile or an “I’m sorry” between mouthfuls. You’ll be right.

Step Nine: Don’t Just Leave The Plates On The Table, GOD

I know it’s very hard to do anything when you’re in a disgustingly thick food coma but you gotta, YOU JUST GOTTA. If you don’t help at the beginning, you’ve got to at least help at the end. Force yourself to do it, gaslight yourself (don’t), blackmail yourself (do) – whatever it takes.

I actually really love the clean up because all I do is wash the dishes and bitch about Aunt Susan (not her real name, obviously).

Step Ten: Please Don’t Spark A Neighbourhood Search For Your Dog Because You Left The Door Open And It Was Your Job To Look After It

This is totally just a fictional scenario. But look, if it does happen – maybe don’t freak out and immediately alert everyone. Maybe check everywhere first, in nook and crannies, where small, old dogs like to sleep and hide, ya know? Might save everyone a lot of time and you won’t get yelled at, which is nice. Again, this is absolutely not a 2018 scenario caused by yours truly, I’d NEVER.

Okay, that’s it. Have a happy, happy Christmas my dudes.

I just realised I forgot to make a point about remembering gifts, which was literally point b) in my introduction. AH WELL, can’t win them all.

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