If you don’t shower before bed, you are traipsing your daily grime through your pure sheets, and this is fundamentally disgusting. I could end this article here if I wanted.

You know those things you just assume everyone *knows*? Like that you should brush your teeth morning and night? Or that you don’t wear undies two days in a row? And then you find out some heinous monsters just simply go against moral law and fuck shit up by NOT doing these things?

Showering before bed is like that. By which I mean, if you are not showering before entering the sacred space that is your bed, you are a disgusting bin person and I feel sorry for your soul, which is surely going to Hades.

shower before bed
be more like the greedy and terrible Marie Antoinette, you cretins

This is nothing against morning showerers. If you shower in the morning, that’s cool! As. Long. As. That’s. Your. Second. Shower. None of this morning-shower-only bullshit. What the fuck, guys?

I’m gonna dot-point this bitch for you, ok.

1. You Are Filthy At Night

Think about your body, that filthy corpse you’re rolling into those crisp sheets. Covered in residual deodorant. City grime. Sweat from running for the bus. Dust particles. Probably some sort of bacteria you caught on the train. A bit of dog shit you trod in unknowingly when you ran out with the garbage bin at 7pm.

And you let that into your bed. Shame on you.

2. Why Do You Not Care About Yourself?

You clearly care about others, as seen in the fact you’ll shower in the morning so no one is accosted by your B.O. Why does everyone else get the best of you? Why don’t YOU get the best of you – a nice, squeaky-clean version of you sliding into bed all cleany-weany and happy. No, you just roll your sad filthy ass into bed and hate yourself, don’t you. STOP HATING YOURSELF. SHOWERING BEFORE BED IS SELF-CARE. Go on a hunt for your self-respect in there and call me when you’ve found it, ok?

3. STFU About Water Wastage

No, that is not a thing here. What I am saying is you just have the ONE night shower before bed, and you don’t loiter around in there for twenty minutes assessing your life.

I do NOT understand long showers. You can be in/out in like, three minutes, with all necessary parts of your body washed. Like, ten max with a hair wash. What is everyone doing in there for twenty minutes!? If you say wanking, I will cry. I hope to god you aren’t all wanking in the shower and wasting 20 minutes of water, my god.

4. Think About Your Bed FFS

Have you thought about this all? Have you really considered it? You put your naked/near naked body into the same sheets every night for at least a week straight (look, given you are a messy bitch I’m gonna say you go longer, maybe even a month) COVERED in daily grime. Again and again, you wallow in your own filth. What are you? A common piglet? Be better.

I think that’s all we really need to know at this point. No, I will not take any opposing arguments at this time.

Image: Ferris Bueller's Day Off