Oh noes! Channel Nine have axed Shane Warne’s cricket-centric chat show Warnie, blaming the Australian cricket team’s poor Ashes performance, dwindling ratings and Warnie’s disconcertingly white teeth (except the last one). The network had already aired four episodes of the show and despite securing interviews with big name talent like James Packer, Michael Parkinson, Dannii Minogue, Sting, Jeremy Clarkson, Susan Boyle and Chris Martin, Warnie eventually fell to the programming guillotine with Nine deciding to axe the fifth and final episode, meant to air tomorrow night.
“The reality is that the series wrapped up after the Melbourne Test and so there was no need for a show on January 6,” a spokeswoman told AAP.
To make Shane Warne feel better I’ve created a composite of literally the worst sportsman-turned-television-personality Australia could ever produce…
First, this hypothetical abomination would look like test representative, spin bowler and the ugliest man to ever don a baggy green, Colin “Funky” Miller. Note: the word funky should only be sparingly used to describe basslines – not people, advertising agencies, hairstyles or Brisbane clothing boutiques.
Second, we need the voice of Broncos/Maroons/Kangaroos captain Darren Lockyer whose perpetually husky man drawl is harder to decipher than the final third of Inception. The Darren Lockyer school of enunciation opens in 2000 and never.
To make sure no one even remotely likes the host, we need the personality of John Hopoate a footballer/boxer who was charged with assault last year and is most famous for inserting his finger into another player’s anus as a defence tactic. That’s all you need to know.
Finally, we need the presenting ability of West Coast big man Nic Naitanui. He shatters any pretense that sportsmen aren’t completely preoccupied with their penises.
Chin up Warnie, we could have done a lot worse.
