‘Twilight’ Fans Now Know Exactly How Bloodless Vampire Edward Got His Dick Hard

twilight bloodless edward vampire dick mechanics

Twilight fans around the world can breathe a sigh of relief: the mystery has finally been answered of how, exactly, dead sparkly hottie Edward Cullen impregnated the very much alive (and horny for dead guys) Bella Swan.

If you need a recap, please allow me: in Breaking Dawn (the third book of the Twilight saga, an absurd vampire romance written by a Mormon with a fixation on hot teen boys), Edward Cullen, 70+ year old undead husband of 18-year-old human Bella, finally gives in to her desperate thirst for his ice-cold wang and has sex with her.

he hates it!!!

This results in Bella getting preganté, and eventually giving birth to the worst-named character in all of literature: creepily perfect half-vampire daughter Renesmee.

But hold up, said fans when the book (and then movie) came out: Edward is a vampire, i.e. undead. He has no blood. He’s described as being made of ‘marble’ several times in the books – like, she really labours the hardness and coldness of his lifeless body. If he’s dead and exsanguinated, how does he get a boner?

And how does Bella’s babby get made?!

Well it turns out that author Stephanie Myer had already addressed this years an’ years ago on her website, and she’s clearly put significant retconning thought into it. Her elegant solution to the bloodless boner problem:

Vampires are physically similar enough to their human origins to pass as humans under some circumstances (like cloudy days)…The skin serves the same general purpose of protecting the body. However, the cells that make up their skin are not pliant like our cells, they are hard and reflective like crystal. A fluid similar to the venom in their mouths works as a lubricant between the cells, which makes movement possible (note: this fluid is very flammable)… Throughout the vampire’s body are many versions of venom-based fluids that retain a marked resemblance to the fluid that was replaced, and function in much the same way and toward the same purpose…Though there is no venom replacement that works precisely like blood, many of the functions of blood are carried on in some form.

Ohhhh. Of course. The vampires are full of venom, therefore Edward just pumped his dick up with poison-juice and was ready to go at it.

As for the pregnancy problem, Myer has an answer for that too:

Like with vampire skin—which looks similar to human skin and has the same basic function—fluids closely related to seminal fluids still exist in male vampires, which carry genetic information and are capable of bonding with a human ovum.

So he shot a load of venom into her and knocked her up. A load of ‘highly flammable’ venom. And Bella was cool with this. And so are we.

Oh well! That’s literature for ya! See ya later, gonna go delete my ability to read.