These 9 Fkd Harry Potter Tidbits From Tom Felton’s Book Will Have You Screaming Like A Mandrake

Tom Felton unveils the new Professor Sprout's Greenhouse feature at Warner Bros. Studio Tour London

Tom Felton‘s debut memoir Beyond the Wand: The Magic and Mayhem of Growing Up a Wizard is here and some of the BTS tea he’s dropped about the Harry Potter franchise has left me howling like a mandrake.

From furious masturbating on-set to Cameron Diaz‘s involvement with Daniel Radcliffe‘s broomstick, no stone has been left unturned. Given the fact Felton played the iconically bitchy Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter franchise, it’s exactly the type of earth-shattering gossip I expected to read.

Let’s dive in, shall we?

A wanking baboon ruined a HP scene

Oh, you thought I meant a human was jacking off like their life depended on it on-set? Silly me!

According to Felton, wankgate happened while the gang was filming a scene from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, when Professor McGonagall was teaching a transfiguration lesson.

There were loads of animals on-set, like monkeys, birds and snakes, as well as a “rather ill-mannered baboon”.

Felton said the horny baboon was “unaware of the niceties of social interaction and set etiquette,” and in particular, “he was unaware of what behaviour is appropriate to exhibit in front of a bunch of kids”.

“Which is my roundabout way of saying that we had to cope with the distracting intrusion of a self-pleasuring primate during the filming of the scene.”

Apparently several takes were deemed unusable ‘cos the baboon was going feral knocking one out in the background.

“You can imagine the chaos that ensued each time one of us kids saw what was happening out of the corner of our eye and shouted, ‘Oh my God, look at that baboon!’” Felton said.

I absolutely can believe the pandemonium that would’ve broken out on set. I wish I was there, if I’m honest.

Daniel Radcliffe used a pic of Cameron Diaz to help him control his broomstick

We’re talking about an actual broomstick here and not a penis. Mind out of the gutter, people!

Apparently, the Quidditch scenes were filmed in a studio against blue or green screens so the fun background could be added digitally in post-production.

Felton said the broomstick was a “metal pole fitted with a deeply uncomfortable bike saddle” with “stirrups for your feet and a harness to stop you falling”. Sounds a bit like a wizard-y bucking bull.

He said all the actors had to look in the right direction so the shot looked authentic. To keep their line of sight consistent, crew members would hold up a tennis ball on a long pole with orange tape wrapped around it.

“Sometimes there would be more than one tennis ball up there, and as one looked very much like another, after a while they gave us more individual objects to stare at,” Felton said.

“We chose pictures of something or somebody close to our hearts. Daniel Radcliffe had a picture of a particularly beautiful Cameron Diaz.”

As he should, I say.

Fishing-fan Felton “chose a picture of an even more beautiful carp” in case you were wondering. Get this man fishing on Animal Crossing, STAT.

Harry, Draco and Dumbledore used to go on smoko together

Felton said he, Radcliffe and Michael Gambon — who played Albus Dumbledore in the Prisoner of Azkaban, Goblet of Fire, Order of the Phoenix, Half-Blood Prince and both Deathly Hallows films — would enjoy “a breath of fresh air” together.

“A breath of fresh air”? I think you mean smoko, bruv.

According to The Washington Post‘s review of Beyond the Wand, Felton and Gambon would actually share a smoke between takes of Dumbledore’s death scenes.

Obviously, this means they were choofing a ciggie in costume, which is a mildly iconic mental image.

Tom Felton mistook HP co-star Gary Oldman for a cleaner

Look, this one made me cringe into absolute fucking oblivion.

In Beyond the Wand, Felton said Gary Oldman — who played dog daddy Sirius Black — was so humble and normal-looking on-set that he thought he was a cleaner. Respect your elders, young man!

“There were certain actors on the set who you’d never really recognise out of character, even though they were absolute legends,” Felton said.

“They just looked — and I mean this in the nicest possible way — like slightly scruffy older men.”

He said John Hurt (Garrick Ollivander) and David Bradley (Argus Filch) were blokes who fit such ragamuffin descriptions.

“I was on set one day when I saw another slightly scruffy older bloke wearing an old pair of jeans and a T-shirt,” Felton continued.

“I’d occasionally seen him around and I thought he was one of the cleaning staff. What can I say? He just had that look.”

Don’t try and double down on this one, Draco.

Felton said he even complimented this “slightly scruffy older bloke” outside the Great Hall by squeaking his shoes on the polished floor, fanging a thumbs-up and saying “Top work, mate!”

If there’s one thing Gary Oldman is known for, it’s his floor-shining abilities.

Felton later learned the man was, in fact, a veteran actor and not a cleaner. Absolute egg on the face moment.

Tom Felton did have a crush on Emma Watson

As we’ve already established, Felton finally confessed in Beyond the Wand that he had a “secret love” for Emma Watson. The sky is blue, water is wet, et cetera.

He said he and Watson “definitely nursed crushes” on each other but like two ships in the night, it happened “at different times”.

Watson wrote the forward for Felton’s memoir and said the pair are “soulmates” and share “one of the purest loves I can think of”. Obviously, it’s all platonic.

Sure, Jan.

The HP cast were jealous of Daniel Radcliffe and Gary Oldman’s tight relo

Sirius Black played a ‘yuge role in Harry Potter’s life, so it’s no surprise that Daniel Radcliffe and Gary Oldman fostered a similarly powerful relationship on-set.

Felton said he and some cast and crew members were “a bit jealous of that bond” the actors shared.

“Just as Sirius became a father figure to Harry, I had the sense that Gary became something of an inspiration for Daniel, helping him to navigate the tricky path of growing up in the spotlight as well as hone his acting skills,” Felton said.

“They seemed to me to share a very similar sense of humour and approach to the other cast and crew. I think some of us — myself included — were a bit jealous of that bond.

“We could see that, in part thanks to Gary’s influence, Dan was really starting to learn the craft better than any of us. Who better to have on your side in that respect than Gary Oldman?”

Rupert Grint was fined more than £2,500 for giggling on-set

Laughing on the set of Harry Potter comes with a hefty price, folks.

Chris Columbus (bit of an unfortunate name, if I’m honest) directed Philosopher’s Stone and Chamber of Secrets, and the bloke had a system on-set to stop child actors from ruining scenes.

“Any time one of us disturbed a take, we were given a red card,” Felton said.

“A red card meant you had to put £10 into a bag and, at the end of the shoot, all the money was donated to charity. It was a good plan to keep us on the straight and narrow, but it didn’t always work.”

He claimed Rupert Grint‘s on-set antics saw him clock up a tidy sum in fines.

“I believe he put in over £2,500 during the first two films alone, such was his inability to control himself when the giggles hit,” he said.

Look, when you’ve got to laugh, you have to let it out. Better out than in, as Shrek famously said.

Rupert Grint bought two llamas who rooted like crazy

Who knew the Harry Potter franchise was plagued by so many randy animals?

While this nugget of goss didn’t necessarily happen on-set, Felton said Grint spent his Harry Potter cheques on some bloody stupid shit. Relatable, if I’m being honest.

Apparently Grint — whom Felton nicknamed the “Ginger Ninja”, which is a choice — bought two llamas, which fucked and sucked each others’ brains out and had 14 babies.

The more you know!

Tom Felton was named and shamed by a store for stealing an “adult” movie when he was 14

Felton said when he was 14 he tried to steal a DVD of an “adult nature” from an HMV, which is essentially Bri’ish JB Hi-Fi.

He wasn’t very good at stealing though ‘cos he was caught and the store put his photo up. Awky porky pudding and pie for any young actor, methinks.

Well, there you have it. Enough gossip to keep you going until another Harry Potter actor comes out of the woodwork to support the transphobic old bag J.K. Rowling!

If you want to read more salacious wizard gossip, you can suss Beyond the Wand: The Magic of Growing Up a Wizard in all its glory.