Tom Ballard retires most recent one-man show ‘Doing Stuff’ at this month’s Sydney Comedy Festival (you can still purchase tickets here) so we brainstormed some ideas and asked if he’d be the least bit keen on “doing stuff” for this website. He said ‘yes’ and turned in this excellent A-Z of Australian comedy, a place where ukeleles are plentiful and you’ve officially made it when this guy asks you for money. Laugh and learn below…
A is for “Australian” Comedy
A perfectly good form of comedy. Yes, our national cultural cringe extends to this branch of the arts, too. We need to bloody well get over it because we’ve got plenty of world-class comics kicking around and there’s plenty of dross doing quite well in the States and the UK. Go team!
B is for Bombing
A requirement for any comedian or any comedy scene anywhere. Bombing can happen anywhere, anytime, in any context, but ultimately makes you a better comic. So I’ve heard. Never happened to me. I’m always hilarious. Buy tickets to my show. Yeah. Actually, B is for Buy.
C is for “The C Word”
Because that is the baddest word of all the words that comedians use and they are naughty if they use it and it’s offensive and that will never ever change and they shouldn’t use it and it’s not clever and every time you hear it or say it a fairy loses its wings because it’s the worst one.
D is for Dave
Every Australian comedian is named Dave, particularly Dave Hughes, Dave Thornton, Dave O’Neil, Dave Callan, Dave Bloustein, Dave Williams, Dave Jory, Dave Eastgate, Dave Quirk, Dave Bushell and many others.
E is for Eric Hutton
A funny, profoundly original Sydney comic who I have never seen have a bad gig. It is sad that he lives in London now, but hopefully he will become a massive mega superstar over there.
F is for Fleety
There is nothing more “Australian comedy” than Greg Fleet. Fascinating, warm, tragic but always, always gut-bustingly funny. You haven’t made it in Australian comedy until you’ve lent Fleety some money.
G is for Gender
Sometimes I wonder about which group is more wrong: idiots who think that female humans “just aren’t funny” or idiots who think that any comedian who criticizes/jokes about/comments on women is necessarily being misogynist. Please sort this out as it’s a bit tiring and doesn’t really help anyone.
H is for Hughesy
I don’t care how indie or alternative you are or how mainstream or uncool it makes me, I think Dave Hughes is a fundamentally funny man and I always enjoy watching him. I know his Whatever record off by heart. Also we’re both from Warrnambool and we have the same manager and we have the same birthday. Freaky.
I is for Irony
When in doubt, just say your material uses it.
J is for Jordan “JP” Paris
My go-to response when people ask me why I’m an atheist, for surely a loving god would not visit such horror upon his innocent children.
K is for Koalas
TO ALL VISITING INTERNATIONAL COMEDIANS: PLEASE STOP WRITING JOKES ABOUT KOALAS AND THEIR CHLAMYDIA AND WHATEVER WE ARE AWARE OF THE SITUATION THANK YOU.
L is for Laughs
The best thing in the world. They come in all shapes and sizes but they’re all equally as addictive.
M is for Melbourne International Comedy Festival
A celebration of the craft of stand-up, sketches, jokes, storytelling and artistic expression, all drizzled in a cripplingly desperate need for validation.
N is for Night
The right time for comedy. The sun is not a comedian’s friend, particularly if that comedian is pale ol’ me. Successful daytime gigs are very rare. Perhaps people feel more comfortable if they know that the dick jokes that are being yelled at them can soon be forgotten in the haze of blissful sleep.
O is for Open Mic
The fundamental building blocks of a comedy industry. Yes, people doing comedy for the first time can be a financial risk and a horrific and cringe-inducing thing to behold, but being given the chance to be shit is the only way you can get better. We need open mic rooms and I heartily applaud those who keep them going in these tough economic times. My personal favourites are Comedy @ Spleen & Comedy @ Softbelly in Melbourne, the Rhino Room in Adelaide, A Mic in Hand & The Comedy Lounge in Sydney and Livewired in Brisbane.
P is for Podcasts
They’re all the bloody rage these days! Podcasts allow comedians to say whatever they want, be natural and casual in conversation and build an audience on the cheap. I like The Little Dum Dum Club, TOFOP, Slap Bang Radio, Something For The Drive Home, Talking Poofy and HEY WHADDYAKNOW IT’S MY OWN ONE, Poor Chris.
Q is for Quirk, Dave
Brilliant brilliant funny man. I once laughed at him for 20 minutes because he referred to one of his jokes as ‘a piece’.
R is for Reviews
I’ve officially decided that, from the performer’s point of view, 99% of the time, comedy reviews are bullshit and you’re better off not reading them, particularly if they’re being written by the local rag’s Trading Post sub-editor who couldn’t identify a structural device if it was highlighted for them on a graph. I JUST HAVE TO TRUST MY OWN COMIC GENIUS, YOU GUYS.
S is for Social Medias
The internets is alive with comedys! Twitter in particular is awash with Australian comedians being heaps pithy and droll. Check out @karlchandler, @danieltownes, @ChamberlinM, @johnsafran, @celiapacquola, @scottdools, @macleanbrendan, @jackdruce or @arozenbachs, they’re all pretty jolly good.
T is for TV
Australian TV is something of a wasteland when it comes to comedy at the moment, particularly for stand ups. Risks are rarely taken and “light entertainment” is given preference over actual jokes. Things are changing (see ABC’s recent spate of sitcoms and variety shows, ABC2’s Warehouse Comedy Festival, GNW Productions, Shaun Micallef’s work) and audiences are moving online anyway, but it feels like we’re well behind America and the UK at the moment.
U is for Ukelele
The ubiquitous novelty comedy instrument. I bought one once. I struggle with that every day.
V is for Vale
Vale, jokes about Facebook; vale.
W is for Wil Anderson
Surely one of the hardest working comedians in the country, if not the entire world. Ando is hil/Wilarious, generous with his time and produces consistently interesting and challenging shows. He’s an inspiration and a friend. But his hair in the early 2000s was fucked.
X is for Xylophone
I predict they shall be the ubiquitous novelty comedy instruments of the future!
Y is for Years
The appropriate measurement of time when discussing the process of becoming a good comedian.
Z is for Zig and Zag
Australia’s beloved Moomba monarchs whose revelations of pedophilia proved once and for all what we’ve all long suspected: clowns are fucking creepy and they’re out to get you.
Words by Tom Ballard
Tom Ballard’s Doing Stuff
Venue: The Comedy Store, Entertainment Quarter, Moore Park
Date: Friday 11 and Saturday 12 May
Time: 7.00pm
Ticket Prices: All tickets $25
Bookings: sydneycomedyfest.com.au or 9020 6966
