If the Oscar slips through Leonardo DiCaprio‘s fingers again this year, he won’t be going home completely empty-handed – he and his fellow nominees will walk away with the most ridiculously f’kn lavish swag bags since … last year’s Academy Awards. 

This year’s bags contain a record $US 200,000 worth of free shit, to console those nominated celebrities who miss out on a golden statuette. Per Distinctive Assets, the company who assembled them, the bags are:

“… once again a blend of fabulous, fun and functional items meant to thrill and pamper those who may have everything money can buy but still savor the simple joy of a gift.”

Who doesn’t love free gifts?

Leo, a noted vape pen enthusiast who smoked up in front of Miley Cyrus one time and didn’t even offer her a hit, will be pleased to hear that the bag contains a Haze Dual V3 Vaporizer, which retails at $US 249.99.

Also included is a 10-day, first class trip to Israel, valued at $US 55,000, a year’s worth of unlimited Audi rentals, with a likely value of around $US 45,000, and private personal training sessions, valued at $US 1,500.

The most insane of all the gifts, however, is a voucher for something called a ‘Vampire Breast Lift‘, a procedure that is “the new secret ‘must have’ in Hollywood.”

This Year’s $200k-Plus Oscars Gift Bag Includes Free Boob Jobs, Vape Pens

If you’re curious to check it out, there’s an official Vampire Facelift website, which looks totally legit and not like something that was designed around 1997 using Geocities. 

Per Cosmopolitan, the procedure:

“… uses blood-derived growth factors to revive rounder cleavage without implants. Women can now also soften implant scars and irregularities (and restore sensation). Using technology used by plastic surgeons for years to help correct post-mastectomy scarring and to heal wounds, the Vampire Breast Lift procedure uses a woman’s own blood to improve appearance. Designed for zero downtime by Charles Runels, MD – the same physician who invented the Vampire Facelift.”

The bags also include such swag as a walking tour of Japan, skin care products, hotel stays, luxury toilet paper, a donation to an animal rescue centre, and personalised M&Ms.

The Academy Awards air on February 28 in the U.S., and we are already stockpiling sad Leo gifs, just in case:

This Year’s $200k-Plus Oscars Gift Bag Includes Free Boob Jobs, Vape Pens

Source: The Daily Beast.

Photo: Getty / Kevin Winter.