YOU GUYS, after just six short weeks, the great experiment that is Married At First Sight is wrapping up. We’re more emotionally distraught than Snoop the dog on a day when he has to go and visit Aunt Clare.
If it helps, please listen to the following as we catch up with Australia’s worst couples one last time:
At the start of this week, our sham marriage buddies have just 24 more hours in each other’s company before moving out, when they’ll then get to decide if they want to stay together for the long haul or go the way of Roni and Michael.
#NeverForget
At such a time, they must announce their decision in a quaint little chapel in front of the very ‘relationship experts’ who set the up in the first place, while trying not to throttle said people.
Let’s take this one couple at a time:
Clare And Lachie
When we catch up with Clare and Lachie, they’re rowing a boat down a filthy canal on an overcast day, just two normal people doing very normal and not weird fifth date stuff.
After a rare but entertaining cut to the live feed from the Lachie Dick Cam (patent pending), they discuss the status of their relationship. “There’s been a lot happening in the last few days and it hasn’t all been smooth sailing,” he says. ZING! BOAT HUMOUR.
“We don’t have any preconceived ideas that this is a fairy tale and everything is going to be be smooth sailing,” Clare adds. ZING! BOAT HUM…oh, fuck it.
Guys, coming up with puns is hard, so here are some freebies for the next time you’re forced out onto open water together:
– We’re in the same boat
– Oh bouy, I’m tired of being stuck in a sham marriage with you
– I was pier pressured into this
– Moor often than knot, I regret my decision
– Poop
Clare finally gets the awkward public pash she’s been angling for, and the snipers she’s positioned around the area get their orders to stand down.
The last few weeks have been pretty light on Snoop the dog reaction shots, but the finale more than makes up for it. Come moving day he couldn’t be more thrilled to get the hell out of dodge.
This is his actual, literal face when Clare picks him up and tells him “you’re the king and I’m the queen.”
Real talk: the reason we stuck it out this long is to hear Clare say more awful, garbage things, and come decision day, our loyalty is rewarded by a montage of Clare saying lots and lots of awful garbage things.
Who could forget the great ‘LET’S MOVE TO THE FUCKING FARM RIGHT NOW!’ rant? Clare is right up there with John ‘White Chocolate Bullshit’ Carasig for Most Entertaining Reality TV Villain Of 2015.
Finally, it’s crunch time for the two of them. She, apparently, wants to keep things going. “There’s been a few times where I have silently said to him ‘I love you’”, says Clare, whose only two gears seem to be ‘Furiously Screaming ‘Fuck You” and ‘Uncomfortably Clingy.’
Lachie cautiously mumbles something about how their relationship has been a great experience. “It’s been a great four weeks of getting to know you … but I’ve had a bit of time to think about it and … um … I definitely want to keep seeing you.”
So that’s … that? On the farm, Snoop the dog is howling inconsolably.
Zoe And Alex
Look, I dunno, you guys, at this point, it’s kind of hard to hang too much shit on Alex and Zoe, because they’ve started to seem like a sweet couple, and we’d like it if somebody could come out of Married At First Sight without their lives totally imploding.
Case in point: Alex buys Zoe some ugg boots as a going-away present to remind her of Fern Tree Gully. “They’ve got ribbons on the back so you can take them to the city and still be accepted.”
Look, IDK, it’s a weird adjustment to watch an episode of Married At First Sight where people are not screaming insults at and/or walking out on each other. Come moving day, his dog doesn’t want her to go, and he carries her out to the taxi looking like this.
The Zoe of week one who refused to make eye contact with Alex at their wedding would never have stood for this shit, so either she’s been brainwashed somehow, or true love really isn’t dead.
Come decision day, she tells the panel that she thinks Alex is awesome and wonderful and wants to continue her relationship with him, but then, TWIST, we cut to Alex, who after a lengthy pause, says “I’m sorry ..”
“… but you’re going to have to put up with me for a little while longer!” We see what you did there, Alex.
Michelle And James
Married At First Sight has been icing Michelle and James out hard these past few weeks – it’s either because she went and married some football player dude a few weeks ago, busting the illusion of the show, or because they’re the dullest couple in existence.
Either way, Married At First Sight now has a Roni and Michael-shaped hole to fill so here we are. Michelle enjoys long walks on the beach and marrying dudes other than James, so after doing the former, they stop off for a spot of lunch.
It’s around this time James realises he’s made a huge mistake.
#FacesOfMarriedAtFirstSight
Later that night, because the producers are pleading with Michelle and James to give them anything the show can use, there’s a lengthy discussion on the subject of whether she’ll roll over in bed.
He urges her do to so several times, but she says she’s “too tired” and probably doesn’t want to turn her back to him. WILL MICHELLE ROLL OVER? Text ‘YES’ or ‘NO’ to anyone in your address book, because none of this matters.
The next day, this is Michelle’s best attempt at keeping a straight face when James asks her if she’s looking forward to getting rid of him.
Surprisingly, when it comes time to sit down in front of the sadists who put this all together panel of relationship experts, Michelle indicated that she’d like to stick it out with James and give it the old college try.
‘This has just been an amazing experience. It’s definitely had its ups and downs, but … I really want to continue the relationship with you and I really want to see what happens in the future.”
They drive away looking very confident in their decision. What could possibly go wrong? BYEEEEEEE, guys.
–
We then cut to several months later, to check in on the couples. Michelle and James have broken up, because blah blah blah, Alex and Zoe are still together, and LOOK AT THESE FUCKING PUPPIES THAT THEY HAVE.
LOOK AT THE LITTLE ONE. LOOK AT HIS LITTLE FACE. Speaking of faces, when we catch up with Clare and Lachie again, they are apparently still together, and she has agreed to visit the fucking farm at least one more time.
If there’s one lingering image that will tide you over until the next season of this train wreck, let it be this one:
