The X-Factor Australia Live Blog: Week 3 Ep 1

Tonight week three of The X-Factor Australia kicks off and the real excitement will begin. Last week (for which I’m ashamed to say I didn’t compartmentalise my life enough to live blog for y’all) the contestants participated in something called SUPER BOOTCAMP.

Not to be confused with the standard non-super breed of bootcamp, SUPER BOOTCAMP is described as “one venue, four categories [I’m pretty sure they are: under 25 ‘boys’, under 25 ‘girls’, over 25s and groups], four times the judges, four times the drama and a roller coaster of talent, tears, triumphs and tantrums!” This fantastically madcap process narrowed down the contestants and also produced TWO SUPERGROUPS! – That’s how the X-Factor website expressed the news (in capital letters and an exclamation mark), so you just know that they’re something special.

Let’s tune in to watch people who potentially have the ‘x factor’ with our eminent panel of judges/mentors (of whom Mel B is by far and away my favourite – as my biased comments to follow will make clear): Ronan Keating, Natalie Bassingthwaighte, Mel B <3 <3 <3 and Guy Sebastian. Ready you guys?

7:34pm: So tonight all the kids are jetting off to “music capitals New York and London” to do something related to this tv program but the voiceover dude spoke way to quickly. Tonight the contestants are also performing in front of the celeb guest judges – who are actually pretty legit (or at least rich enough to live like Caligula). They will be revealed all in good time, my pretties…

7:37pm: The Over 25 group and the under 25 girls are going to New York. Lisped teenage youth with braces Shiane says “yeth! Thith ith great – I’ve never been overtheas before!” Bless you Shiane. The under 25 boys will also be in New York. Cue a montage of NYC tourist imagery.

7:41pm: The SUPERGROUP teams are going to London. They all look like a bunch of One Direction rip offs in (unintentionally, I presume) coordinating pastel accents to their outfits.

7:42pm: After the obligatory Abbey Road Beatles recreations and shots of the New York sky line with the song “Empire State Of Mind” by Alicia Keys and Jay-Z, the judges and contestants all learn who will be mentoring which group of hopefuls. The girls are with Natalie, the groups are with Ronan, Mel B who is showing generous amounts of both leg and cleavage this evening has the boys (“Ahm stohked becuz their hot”, she says), and Guy has the over 25s. He is confident he can win with the talent in his group. Probably not that unattractive 40 year old mate though.

7:47pm: We are back in New York after the commercial break (the Beastie Boys “No Sleep Til Brooklyn” is the latest in the producers ridiculously unsubtle choice of song) with Mel B and the boys. There is one small lad named Carmello who is allegedly 22. He’s one of those confusing people who is an old man’s head on a pre-pubescent boy.

7:50pm: Another of Mel B’s charges is an adorably fashion-adverse country boy Jason, who likes classic songs by John Denver. He’s probably never heard of people like Jason Mraz, which is a blessing for those of us at home.

7:53pm: Mel B is already being her hard ass self and telling virtually every contestant in her group to stop singing and pick a different song after 3 seconds. Christ she’s marvellous. There’s another kid in her group Josh who can’t get his lyrics right. Idiot.

8:01pm: Now to Guy‘s team, also in New York. Sebastian, a handsome R&B guy, let’s his nerves gets the better of him. Guy is all “you’re only as good as your last performance” which is damn right.

8:03pm: 27 year old Danielle wants Guy to help her come out of her shell. These over 25s aren’t obnoxious enough for my liking. Be out of your shell already, for fuck sake. I guess that would be a lifetime (well, a minimum of 25 years) of getting knock backs and rejections.

8:07pm: One of Guy’s contestants is Samantha Jade AKA Sammy who Guy has worked with in the past. She is singing “Bleeding Love” in her rehearsal and the biggest problem, according to Guy, is “the eyes”. “Yeah I close them too much” says Sammy. She’s a dime a dozen in these shows and has no chance of winning, unless the voting public are boring tools. No offense babes!

8:14pm: Now over to Natalie‘s squadron of female youths. One of the girls Morgan was virtually homeless (is that what “living on food parcels” means?) and really has so much riding on this. That’s what she said.

8:16pm: Here’s another of Natalie’s girls Bella who is the daughter of Mark Hunter (RIP) from the band Dragon. She walks in and starts singing “Empire State Of Mind” by Alicia Keys. Natalie’s like “Alicia Keys? I wouldn’t go there…” Oh snap! I think I know which group is getting Ms Keys as their guest mentor.

8:18pm: Nat asks her next singer Angel to do a number of non-tangible things concluding with “open your eyes and let us in”. Wow. Great advice. Angel nods and her face clearly says she’s thinking “okay Angel, make the face that looks as though you totally know what she means even though what she said doesn’t really mean anything concrete.”

8:24pm: Can we hear a f*cking song already? It’s been almost an hour without so much as a weird judges-only performance of the latest Guy Sebastian hit. I need a song or I’m going to tantrum.

8:26pm: Over to Ronan‘s team in London (“London Calling” by The Clash), and the first group called ‘4tune’ – Get it? Like fortune but there’s four of them and they’re singing tunes = 4tune! – and Ronan loves the matching colour-blocked skinny jeans off them. I’m finding them boring as batshit, but that’s probably because I’ve only heard about 9 seconds of them singing. COME ON X-FACTOR…

8:30pm: Next are two lads who have their outfits vacuum packed into categories like ‘dancing’, ‘power ballad’, etc. Amazing. They walk in wearing matching low v-neck t-shirts and soft-hued blazers and start singing a One Direction tune, quite terribly. Ronan’s like “Nuh uh you are NOT singing that tomorrow” so the groups clearly have One Direction as their guest mentors. ZOMG! Undies throw!

8:35pm: The show ends in 5 minutes which means we won’t hear a single song this episode. Not acceptable, I say! I guess tomorrow the teams will perform in front of the guest mentors, so we’ll get some singing then? Fingers crossed, because I can’t continue simply judging these kids on their outfits and stupid things they say.

8:37pm: The preview just confirmed that we’ll learn who goes into the final 12 tomorrow so tune in then. HANG ON A MINUTE!! We’re back with Team Ronan who is doing a long convoluted intro about…. ONE DIRECTION. The reactions are amazing. The nerd dudes in one of the teams are hugging each other saying how 1D is “our biggest inspiration”. LOL, how old are you dude? They’ve been around for one year. The girls’ response is better and are trying to act really mature and cool. Please, for their sake, let one of them pash Louie. Or at least Niall.

8:43pm: What I said before about the show ending at 8:40 was clearly incorrect, because now one of the groups just started singing for One Direction. They were fine. Next!

8:45pm: A group of the girls are up next and I’d wager this is the sexiest they’ve ever attempted to be. They sound okay but not great, however Louie just said “I think I’m in love”. OMG!! Is pash time on the cards?

8:47pm: Okay so NOW the show’s over. All this continues tomorrow night where we’ll undoubtedly see more songs and more ONE DIRECTION so tune in and join us for the Live Blog: Week 3 Episode 2. Goodnight.