Hi everyone. Tonight more singers from Team Seal and Team Ricky are hitting the stage for round two in the Showdown phase of The Voice Australia. Someone is singing “Luka” by Suzanne Vega, a song I am heavily invested in because it is MOR easy-listening alt rock music with an utterly profound story of child abuse and domestic violence at the core of its lyrics, ergo this could be a spine-chilling performance we watch seven times in a row on Youtube during office hours while quietly sobbing underneath our desks, or alternatively it could be the last thing one contestant sings in this reality television rollercoaster ride we’re all on together. I’m excited and nervous. But, to be honest, neither of those things. It’s Sunday night, The Voice has been pushed to the new time of 7.30pm due to Channel Nine’s attempt to steamroll primetime ratings by scheduling The Block: Sky High at 6.30pm, those bastards. Tune in with me then.
7:37pm: I missed the last episode, but thankfully Seal waited until tonight’s ep to tell Sideshow Mitchell, the middle-age pub singer to be “sexy”. Seal told Mitchell he needs to hold the microphone just so and all the ladies at home with find him “sexy”. Stop saying “sexy” immediately, Seal. #SEXY
7:42pm: Mitchell is a tiny man doing his best to be sexy by stroking his chest then dry humping the mic stand. This technique is clearly working on Seal, who is standing up and clapping with great rhythm and enthusiasm. Mitchell sang “The Letter” by Joe Cocker and he definitely knows how to perform. The rough edge to his vocals sound pretty good on this song. “He looks like a combination of Peter Gabriel and Simply Red,” says my boyfriend. That’s a far more apt description than the Sideshow Bob reference, which is tired because I used it for some curly haired chap from last season. Plagiarism etc.
7:46pm: The judges were all keen on Mitchell’s performance, in particular Delta Goodrem who looks HOT tonight. She’s in a cerulean blue dress (thanks for teaching me that colour, The Devil Wears Prada) and has a vicious-looking necklace of spikes on. It looks like the Iron Throne on a rope. Delta also loves Joe Cocker, who she discovered a bit later in life because all her family ever played at home was John Farnham and JIVE BUNNY. I just wrote that in all caps and in bold because… well, watch this for heaven sakes.
7:51pm: Next up is Nicholas Roy representing Team Seal. Seal says “Nick needs to let go. He needs to focus on BEING BIG.” Speaking of big, Nicholas will be singing “Last Goodbye” by Jeff Buckley, an exceptionally beautiful breakup song with a melody that goes all over the place so it will be challenging for him to sing. Good luck Nicko. Could this be HIS last goodbye on The Voice?? *Shows self out*
7:55pm: I thought that was okay and he stayed on top of that difficult melody for the most part, but the performance felt a bit overwrought and much too rehearsed for me. Joel says “You stood your ground up there but it was a good test to take on a Jeff Buckley song” and that he “felt uncomfortable” during the song. I agree with Joel. Seal says that tonight Nick “earned my respect”. Nicholas is good but he doesn’t have star power, and I think he’s going to be turfed before the next round.
8:02pm: Next to perform is Jac Stone who toured with Powderfinger but hasn’t really “made it” yet. Seal says she’s a natural storyteller. OMG she’s the one taking on “Luka”! Of COURSE she is. Stand by!
8:06pm: Joel and Ricky thought she was great, but Delta says she couldn’t engage with the performance or the song and that it felt as though it never went anywhere. I completely agree with Delta. That was a run-of-the-mill, unmemorable performance and Jac should go home.
8:15pm: Shawn, who almost died and now relies on crutches to walk, will be singing “Last Request” by Paolo Nutini. It was boring. “It was awesome!” Joel exclaims. Delta loved it too. Ricky is less than impressed. He notes that Shawn was out of tune during parts of the song – ACTUAL CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM FROM RICKY MARTIN! – before saying how great it is just to see Shawn “up there” and the technical things don’t even matter. Uh, yes they do matter Ricky you idiot. It’s called The Voice not Congratulations For Just Being Up There, Guy. Hug?. No one except Mitchell has done a decent job representing Team Seal tonight. That was a low-charisma dud-fest for the most part. Harsh but fair.
8:36pm: Now we get to Team Ricky, starting off with Caterina Torres who is singing “If I Were A Boy” by Beyonce. Shouldn’t that be “If I WAS A Boy” or has my grammar game gone south? Meh never question Beyonce.
8:29pm: “Well, where do I go with this…” Joel begins, making us all nervous. “If I Were A Boy… well, I’m glad you’re NOT a boy… And I’m glad I’m not a girl,” he says, “because that was fierce!” All the judges agree that Caterina was “fierce”. Ricky leapt out of his chair in the final moments of the song. “It’s your night,” he tells Caterina excitedly as they walk off to the green room for a sparkling water. I feel a little sorry for Ricky’s other contestants who are clearly playing second fiddle to Caterina who looks fabulous and speaks Spanish.
8:36pm: The teenage Brisbane golfing aficionado [I say because he was holding a putter in one early interview scene with his dad] James Walker. He’s going ‘dark’ with an intense version of “Mr Brightside” by the Killers.
8:39pm: James looks like teenage Rick Astley and, I don’t know why, but I didn’t hate what he did just then. He was stiff and a little confused-looking, the arrangement of the song was questionable, and James is visibly wearing a pound of press powder, but it was the most connected I’ve been to a performance so far tonight. I actually watched it instead of tweeting something about penises. He’s interesting. I hope he goes through.
8:47pm: Up next is Emma, the virtuoso scatter and jazz gal singing the Brazilian classic “Mas Que Nada” by Sergio Mendes. She looks quite excellent in a drapey tangerine dress and is killing it on the vocals, spitting out the Portuguese lyrics with effortless panache. Nailed it. Great song choice by Ricky and a quality performance by Emma.
8:52pm: Oh shit! Ricky’s just dropped a bomb on us all and announced that he is recording a Brazilian album and wants Emma to sing on it. Classic Ricky. He’s provided jobs for at least five people who have auditioned for the show this year.
8:58pm: Next up is opera guy who was diagnosed with a “depressive illness” Luke Kennedy who Ricky wants to take out of his comfort zone. In order for Luke to change zones, Ricky has prescribed “Time To Say Goodbye” by Andrea Bocelli. Zoiks.
9:01pm: Luke did a really good job on a song that never needs to be in another televised singing contest. Team Ricky is looking dangerous. Especially compared to the lame horse that was Team Seal this evening. Correct me if I’m wrong in the comment section. I’m going to eat Ice Magic on a bowl of vanilla ice cream. Shout out to Cottee’s! You may send me a free box of Ice Magic. I will accept it. Good night all.