EDITOR’S NOTE: Channel Ten mistakenly sent out the wrong screening link for this episode, and the original screener concluded after the first rose ceremony. An amended screener was sent out but too late for me to write it up — so this is, basically, half a recap. Enjoy!

Hello and welcome to possibly the most depressing episode of The Bachelor Australia yet! I hated it! We kick off with a death in the family and conclude with the only person bringing joy to the show getting booted out! Jimmy Nicholson, what have you done?

I’m Josie, Head of Editorial at PEDESTRIAN.TV and from now on, I’m your reluctant recapper for the rest of the Bachelor Australia‘s ninth season. My favourite gal is gone so what is even going to get me through these next few weeks? I don’t know! Anyway, let us begin.

We kick off with the very sad news (foreshadowed in yesterday’s trailer) that one of the girls has quickly departed the Bachelor Australia mansion and we see Jimmy fire up Zoom to say bye to that person.

Shockingly, it’s frontrunner Brooke. Her grandpa, who she was very close to, has passed away.

The Bachelor Australia
NO : (

This is a wild revelation, as we know from last night’s episode that Jimmy admitted to his sister and cousin that Brooke was his favourite. But — as my colleague Steff speculated earlier today — maybe that’s why the Bachelor Australia producers chose to reveal Jimmy’s feelings, as a bit of foreshadowing.

It seems crazy that the frontrunner would leave so early on. We saw the same thing happen in Angie Kent‘s Bachelorette season when Ciarran Stott — who at the time was a delight and hadn’t revealed himself to be a fuckboy yet — had to leave suddenly because of a death in his family too.

Anyway, back to The Bachelor Australia. At the mansion, the girls talk about how sad it is, but also mention that Brooke and Jimmy had a really strong connection with her. Even resident villain Steph, of all people, says she hopes Brooke comes back. (Apparently there are rumours flying that she DOES, so that’s something.)

The Bachelor Australia
wait did I just say something NICE

But Tahnee, ever the savvy game-player, says to camera that it might be an advantage for some people now that Brooke’s gone. Look, someone had to say it!

Carlie cops the single date and Jimmy announces that he’s going to throw her off a building. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, these adrenaline junkie dates are so pointless. But Carlie keeps insisting she’s excited! She’s adventurous! She’s spontaneous! But I know from the amount of times she’s squawked “THIS IS AWESOME! HOW FUN!” that she’s nervous as fuck about zip-lining off a building to retrieve a small key that will then open a box that affects the rest of the date.

haha no it’s fine I’ve always wanted to die on national tv

Thankfully, it goes off without a hitch / sudden death, and they open the box which contains an actually amazing 1920s style sequin frock which I love.

Jimmy and Carlie get all tizzed up and waste 20+ bottles of champagne making a champagne fountain. Part of me wants them to drink all 60 glasses and see what happens! Clumsy champagne sex under the trestle table? Yes please. What does happen is some actually quite impressive but G-rated hula-hooping, and then a classic Bachelor Australia date D&M.

The Bachelor Australia
I’ve had 17 glasses but I could still drive

It’s the classic “who’s the real Jimmy”, “who’s the real Carlie” and then thanks to the champagne, a nice big pash after Jimmy gives Carlie a rose.

Back at the Bachelor Australia mansion, the others notice she’s been gone for ages. She comes back in all high after her fun date and Sierah is absolutely thrilled for her.

The Bachelor Australia
I will piss in your tea

Sierah says to camera that Carlie thinks her connection is superior to everyone else’s in the Bachelor Australia house, calling it “insulting” and “a joke”. Meanwhile Steph’s voiceover indicates she’s feeling stressed about where she stands with Jimmy, and in true Bachie villain style she adds that she needs people like Carlie “out of the way”.

I will poison your tea

On the group date, the girls are whisked off to a school, where Osher, who has been allowed out of the Bachelor Australia mansion as a little treat, is in teacher mode and bosses them all into heading upstairs in to “class”. Laura passes a note to Jimmy while Holly sits behind him and puts her feet up on the desk.

The Bachelor Australia
I’m not a regular girl, I’m a cool girl

Steph’s imitation of this actually made me LOL.

not gonna lie, that’s impressive

The girls get split into a debating team and a PE team. First up is debating, where the gals argue whether love at first sight exists. Laura frankly crushes it, and Jimmy votes her as the winner, meaning she gets some precious alone time with Jimmy later that night.

Now it’s time for my own personal high school hell — PE! They’re going to play poison ball, where the nerds get to throw the ball at the jocks, and the last woman standing cops the alone time. Steph concedes that Sierah is dying for time with Jimmy, but she needs to beat her to get the time. It’s high stakes, people!

The Bachelor Australia
it’s time to break some ankles

Sierah takes the first round, and the Steph takes the second. Tahnee chucks it straight at Steph in the third round, and Sierah wins.

Osher announces that tonight’s cocktail party will actually be a school formal. It’s full US teen movie prom vibes, with purple streamers and balloons and a bungle of single, hormonal, desperate people.

Osher, who is thrilled to be allowed out of the wall for five minutes to attend the formal, tells the gals that Jimmy has a “formal rose” to give out that guarantees the next single date.

The Bachelor Australia
I’ve got 35 secs before I need to be back in my wall

Everyone has their eye on the rose, but it’s basically a battle between Laura, Tahnee, Sierah (none of whom have had a single date yet) and Steph (who has unfinished business with Jimmy) to see who gets it.

Laura uses her alone time with Jimmy to tell him her formal horror story: that her date bailed two hours beforehand. Nooo! Her and Jimmy actually have a great chat though — he explains that because she’s always “funny Laura” that he feels like he hasn’t seen the real and vulnerable side of her yet. She straight up asks if there’s any “room for me” given that he has some faves already, and he says there is. Awww.

Sierah gets her alone time finally too. I love her, she won’t win The Bachelor Australia, but god she has brought so much fun to this season. In fact, she spends her solo time trying to convince Jimmy she’s heaps of fun and he says he doesn’t need convincing.

Tahnee swoops in for the kill and is very upfront with Jimmy, saying that she wants that rose, she wants the single date, and she wants to be direct about it in case he was wondering what her intentions were. Meanwhile, Steph thinks fuck it, I need to be next in the queue so goes outside to say she wants to talk to Jimmy. But not only is she shut down by Tahnee, she’s shut down by the Bachelor Australia producers, too. Ouch.

Jimmy comes back in to get his special rose. He gives it to Laura, which is really nice. Her formal experience is saved!

Osher reappears from the wall cavity to announce a surprise rose ceremony! One of you is leaving!

Sierah says she feels confident she made enough of a connection to be on Jimmy’s rose list, but as Ash, Rebekah, Tahnee and Steph get roses — leaving Lily, Jay, Holly and Sierah — my heart hurts. These are frontrunners so it’s not looking good for Sierah, who points out that she has a lot going for her: she’s really tall, voluptuous, loud, beautiful and smart. All true! But Holly gets the final rose and honestly what is the point of my life / The Bachelor Australia anymore without my queen Sierah?

Side note: I plan to serve the following look for any of my own future rejections. Fierce.

The Bachelor Australia
has anyone looked more beautiful in the face of rejection

Thankfully, she keeps delivering even after her rejection. For starters the cold dead fish hug she gives Jimmy at the end is iconic.

I am but a limp atlantic salmon

Then she says in the limo: “I kind of had an inkling Jimmy wasn’t into tall, horny bogans. I think any guy would be lucky to have me. If Jimmy couldn’t see that, it’s a him problem.”

SAY IT LOUDER, SIERAH.

We’ll be back next week with more recaps of The Bachelor Australia, even though frankly my heart’s no longer in it.