In case you didn’t hear, the Sister Act series is getting a reboot. Now everyone’s understandably wondering who the next villain will be and, judging by recent events in the state of California, we have an idea.
In the first Sister Act, we saw the nuns battle the gangster boyfriend of Whoopi Goldberg‘s character Deloris (who would later go by Sister Mary Clarence) as well as the strict culture within the Saint Katherine’s Convent. Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit pitted the nuns against the administrator of the St. Francis Academy.
It’s only fitting, then, that in Sister Act 3 we should see Deloris take on the biggest menace to nuns in California in over two decades: Katy Perry.
The singer has been engaged in a years-long real estate feud with the Sisters of the Immaculate Heart of Mary since 2013, after she tried to buy their convent from the Archdiocese of Los Angeles for $14.5 million in cash.
The problem was that the nuns didn’t want to get kicked out of the home where they had lived since 1972. Nor did they want to sell to someone like Katy Perry, who the nuns referred to as a “sinner”.
In 2018, 89-year-old Sister Catherine Rose Holzman collapsed and died hours after appearing in court to battle Perry’s legal team. According to the other nuns, her last words were: “Katy Perry, please stop.”
In the aftermath, then 81-year-old Sister Rita Callanan said Katy Perry has “blood on her hands”. That’s straight from the nun’s mouth.
It’s crazy how the child of Pentecostal pastors, who grew up calling deviled eggs “angeled eggs” and wasn’t even allowed to watch Sister Act, has ended up being branded as a godless nun murderer who tried to evict a group of octogenarian women of God from their tranquil home. But hey, it sure would make for an awesome movie script.
Anyway, this is clearly a case for Whoopi.
Whoopi Goldberg is literally the only actor who could confidently ousting, outwit and, ultimately, outfight an ~allegedly~ murderous pop star like Katy Perry.
Like, the songs are literally right there. Perry could sing “I Kissed A Girl” to show how at-odds her image is with the nuns’ chaste lifestyle, and she could even do a number with one of her worst songs like “Dark Horse”, or something, to show how annoying she is.
Meanwhile, Whoopi Goldberg would totally smash a cover of “Swish Swish”, nailing both Katy’s and Nicki Minaj‘s verses after avenging the late Sister Catherine Rose Holzman.
If ever there were a Venn diagram of nuns, music and murder, Katy Perry would be one circle, Whoopi Goldberg would be another circle, and my vision for Sister Act 3 would be smack bang in the intersection of the two.
And if Katy Perry is not available or willing to reenact the time she supposedly drove a nun to her death, then Frankie Grande could play Perry instead. Wig indeed!!!
It’s not exactly clear how the property feud between Katy Perry and the nuns ended, with varying rumours that her option to purchase expired and that the house is back on the market.
In this case, a bit of cinema magic wouldn’t go astray in giving the people the happy ending we all want.
