I have a very big, fat, soft and empathetic heart beating away inside of me, it’s the core of who I am. It just comes in conjunction with hefty doses of laziness, a foul mouth, poor life choices and an innate inability to want to grow up and do better. I sometimes wonder why I am like this, but then I remember that I chose this life a long time ago. This is who I always wanted to be.

Adam Sandler was a staple of my childhood. My brother and I would watch his movies back to back to back and die laughing. But most importantly, the quintessential Adam Sandler character was a good person and even sometimes a hero. They were kind, were funny, had good morals and loved hard. As nuts as it sounds, they were my role models. Now at 27, I realise I have pretty much become one. I wouldn’t want this for my own children, but I’m proud of who I have become, so #noragrets. Thanks, Adam.

Although he was never obviously presented as the hot guy, I was wildly attracted to him. Looking back, it’s easy for me to see that Adam Sandler was my sexual awakening – like without a shadow of a doubt. That still holds up for me today, keep your Zac Effrons and Robert Pattinsons, a young Adam Sandler does it for me. I don’t think I realised at the time, but his movies are 100% chick flicks. So his characters from those early days have been my standard for boyfriends from day dot, which is probably why I’ve never had one. I’m now my own Adam-Sandler-style boyfriend and I couldn’t be happier.

All I ever wanted:

Anyway, it’s daddy’s 54th birthday. So what better way to celebrate than to rank the potential boyfriendness of his leading characters?? What a treat for me, may as well be MY birthday.

Note: OMG this is so much harder than I thought. They would ALL be amazing boyfriends.

Here we go, from least to most.

#6 Nicky, Little Nicky

Adam plays Nicky, the devil’s son in this underrated as hell flick (see what I did there?). Nicky is such a sweet boy and everyone knows it, too sweet to be the son of the devil, but defs not too sweet to be a wonderful boyfriend, (his mother is an angel, aw).

Nicky got hit in the head with a shovel by his brother Cassius so he has a bit of an issue with speech and his head is kind of bent but it’s nothing I can’t look past.

I also love his friends, and his dog. They seem like a great time.

Downsides include the following: Nicky is used to serious heat in hell so he is pretty much always wearing a ski jacket which might get annoying especially if he is too cold when trying to fuck, which can shrivel up that area ya know what I mean. He also exclusivley eats Popeye’s Chicken, so you will have to be the kind of lover who can put up with a picky as fuck eater and you can’t go on nice dinner dates.

Lastly, he has some scary abilities. Like when he turned himself into a million little spiders or when he turned his head 360 degrees around and said “I will eat your heart” during his sleep. As someone who can’t even watch scary movies (Little Nicky is about as scary as I can handle) I would simply be freaking out at something new everyday, so I don’t think we would work out without me having a heart attack.

#5 Bobby Boucher, The Water Boy

One quality stands out for Bobby Boucher above all else, his innocence – which is a beautiful and underrated quality for anyone to have, and he does in spades. He also respects the shit out of his mum which is a very good sign, until it becomes mama’s boy areas which of course it is. However during the movie he breaks free of this and still manages to win his mum back – look at him taking control and managing relationships in a loving and healthy way: HOT AF!!

Bobby is also good at sports which is very sexy for some evolutionary reason (I don’t make the rules), this is of course how he catches the eye of Vicki Vallencourt.

His little stutter is very cute and the fact that he was a waterboy so long makes me feel like he is one to be attentive and look after you. A fine boyfriend does Bobby Boucher make!

Downsides are mainly around the food being served up at home. Not sure how I would go eating a snake’s knee every night. Also, he is a little bit (a huge) of a pushover in life, and I would feel the need to protect him and eventually just become a new version of his mother. Which is just not hot, not my jam.

#4 Billy Maddison, Billy Maddison

I hate to admit it, but contrary to popular opinion, I could totally put up with Billy at the beginning of this film as a boyfriend. Yes, his man child level is off the richter scale but can you imagine having a boyfriend with a nanny at 30?? It would be the best, imagine the shenanigans. Rich AF family and nudie magazine subscription? I would happily be his snack pack.

Let’s face it, Billy is as hot as Veronica Vaugn in this film. Especially as he matures and he makes his way through the grades. Peak hot in this film is when he pretends to piss his pants when the little boy does, and says “Everyone my age pee’s their pants, it’s the coolest”. My heart can’t handle it and it cancels all the bad out. When he gives up inheriting his dad’s company to become a teacher makes my WAP extra WAPPY also.

But yeah, having a boyfriend setting fire to poop and putting it on door steps would embarrass the shit out of me quickly. Also his voice as this character in the first half of the film can sound like nails on a chalkboard.

Sidenote: I’m always hunting for the opportunity to say “No milk will ever be our milk” to a guy, but that right moment hasn’t happened but will let you know when it does.

#3 Happy Gilmore, Happy Gilmore

Happy Gilmore is peak physical Adam Sandler, wow he is one sexy mofo in this movie. He dresses hot, I love his short hair, he is tall, dark and handsome and I’d die for it tbh.

His top priority and main motivation in this film is to take care of his grandmother. Umm hellooo, if knowing that doesn’t drop your panties, I’m not sure what will.

Main negative of having Happy as your daddy is that he has bad anger management issues. I’ve dated someone like that and it’s just not as cute as Adam Sandler makes it look on screen so he must lose points for this unfortunately.

Happy is the hero of this film, he saves the day, he takes care of the right people and he wins over the girl. He is romantic as fuck. I’m still waiting for someone to put as much effort in on a date that Happy took his love interest on to the ice rink. *Sighs*.

In addition to this, he has free Subway for like (who wouldn’t want a boyfriend with that) and makes good money from the tournament.

A tops boyfriend indeed, with a little therapy.

#2 Sonny Koufax, Big Daddy

Girls my age are obsessed with the man of the left there (Cole Sprouse) but I have a huge hard on for the man on the right.

Sonny Koufax is what my boyfriend dreams are made of. He still wreaks of man-childness but he has a heart of gold, an aprartment I would die for, he is funny and romantic as all hell.

Of course the most panty dropping thing about his character in this is how obvious it is he would make the most amazing father like ever. Powefully ovary bursting stuff.

He has the most obvious depression out of all his other characters but this is okay, I get like that too and we aren’t all perfect. Upon rewatching it, the premise of the movie is totally unlawful but of couse it was all in good intentions.

#1 Robby Hart, The Wedding Singer

This list was so hard to make but I knew immediately Robby Hart would take the top spot. Golly fucking gosh, my heart skips a beat when I think about Robby Hart. He simply robbed my heart as a child and I never got it back, he just unknowingly carries it around all the time in his little Wedding Singer universe. This movie still makes me cry every time I watch it. I’ve never experienced love, but I get the demo version of it during the 96 minute run time of this film, and it feels wonderful.

Robbie would have zero shortcomings as a boyfriend, given you aren’t a materialistic bitch. He’s gentle, “not much of a drinker”, is selfless, generous as all hell but above all he just wants to write songs about you and hope you’d like them. He also has amazing 80s style and hair. Sign me up.

The song he sings on the plane at the end when he gets the gal, ‘Grow Old With You‘ is genuinely one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard in my life, and fun fact, ADAM SANDLER WROTE THE SONG. I try not to listen to it too often for obvious reasons (I’m sobbing at my desk). Listen to this and tell me it’s not all you ever wanted in a partner.

Once I saw a guy watching The Wedding Singer on the train. I wanted to ask him on a date, but also didn’t want to interrupt the movie. Soul mate? Perhaps! If you are out there, HMU. (30th of July 2019, Central to Sydenham, approx 5:40pm).

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