I am fundamentally incapable of understanding the minds of the people who watch porn parodies. I just do not understand who these people are or what they want from their porn. Most people watch porn so they can honk one out, these people watch porn to… laugh? See what their favourite movie would look like if it was much worse but had titties in it? It’s impossible to say.

If you’re unfamiliar with the modern pop culture porn parody, there are a few basics you should know. Firstly, they are long. For some ungodly reason, they are quite often really, really long. The Avatar porn parody comes in at an astonishing 129 minutes, only half an hour shorter than the titanically long actual film. The second thing you need to know is that they are bad, but kind of on purpose? It seems like the people making these things are locked in a pun-based arms race to see who can come up with the worst and grossest parody names. The final thing you need to know is that they are extremely milquetoast.

Obviously, I don’t know what weird shit you get off to, but I know that it’s not in any of these movies. In the interests of appealing to the broadest possible audience of boring perverts, the sex in these things is deeply bland and extremely repetitive. They’re not great to watch for horny reasons and they are not good to watch for comedy reasons, your best bet is really just to read the names of the characters from them, chuckle softly, and then go watch actual porn.

To save you the effort of digging through dozens of hours of people in horrible costumes making wet meat noises against each other, we’ve dug through the year’s harvest of porn parodies for the highlights. You are welcome.

Star Wars: The Last Temptation

The Last Jedi split audiences pretty neatly down the middle into two camps (‘I enjoy having fun, this was cool‘ and ‘HOW COME THERE ARE WOMEN IN SPACE‘), but I feel like we can all come together to collectively scratch our heads at who out there desperately wanted to see two and a half hours of video-game-cut-scene-from-2000 level CGI intercut with Rey getting absolutely railed by Captain Phasma.

The trailer is completely safe for work but people still might think you’re a complete weirdo if you watch it in public:

Power Bangers

I still don’t really understand why a 2017 gritty-ish reboot of Power Rangers was called for, but I understand even less who exactly saw that and thought ‘This would be way better if everyone fucked.’ But my opinion does not dictate the whims of these probably insanely successful porn studios, and Power Bangers is frighteningly real.

Probably my biggest gripe with this is the title – yes, I will concede that it is only one letter away from the original, but it doesn’t work as a pun said aloud at all, the words do not rhyme. This is obviously not my forte but maybe something more along the lines of ‘Plow-her Rangers‘ would have been better. I’m just spitballing here.

A cursory look at the costumes might make you think it’s less ridiculous than it is:

All The Terrible Porn Parodies From 2017 You 100% Shouldn’t Have SeenPicture: Twitter / @Romi_Rain

BUT, that’s only because you don’t realise that black oval shape on the front of the red Power Banger’s crotch is the hole where his dick comes out of. Incredible.

Justice League XXX

As we have previously discussed, nerd horniness is an unbelievably powerful force that goes a long way towards shaping both commercial media and the internet as a whole. If there’s one thing nerds love more than superhero movies, it’s seeing superhero titties, and Justice League XXX fills that hole (sorry) perfectly. Remember how it was great to see Wonder Woman presented as a powerful female lead that existed not just as an offsider to a male hero or as a tantalising object for the male gaze? Well, now you can see her sucking off the Flash, the Green Lantern, Batman, Robin, and Superman, all at the same time!

The best thing about this is easily the tagline – you cannot beat ‘Come. Together.‘.

Die Hardcore

Since you just got done watching the actual movie for Christmas, there couldn’t be a better time for you to jank your filthy beanis to its 2017 Brazzers porn parody. Die Hardcore posits an alternate reality where John McClane is a woman trying to repair her failing relationship with her husband and where Hans Gruber gets fucked a bunch. It looks exactly like it sounds:

All The Terrible Porn Parodies From 2017 You 100% Shouldn’t Have Seen

Queen of Thrones

Shout out to all the people who decided that Game of Thrones isn’t horny enough and made this movie viable. Queen of Thrones (not to be confused with Game of Bones, the other GoT parody that got in earlier with a much better name) is basically just regular Game of Thrones but there’s slightly more fucking and the effects are much, much worse. I have no idea who this is for or who is asking for it, but it sure exists.

Skanknado

Sharknado was a canny attempt from b-movie picture house The Asylum at intentionally courting the sort of press and cult appreciation given to truly bad movies. Skanknado is Sharknado but if instead of a tornado full of sharks it was a tornado full of, uh, ‘skanks’. A look at the cast entries on IMDb might give you some idea of what we’re dealing with here.

All The Terrible Porn Parodies From 2017 You 100% Shouldn’t Have Seen

The movie, weighing in at an epic two hours in length, features an Oscar-worthy scene in which a series of screaming porn stars spin around standing in front of a green screen as they use crude jump cuts to make it look like their clothes are being ripped off by the tornado. Cinema is such an incredible art form.

There is absolutely nothing I can show you from this that isn’t NSFW so if you’re that curious, you can look it up your own damn self.

Dick and Morty

And so it comes to this. Again and again I keep coming back to the same question: WHO WANTS THIS? Who wants to see Rick and All The Terrible Porn Parodies From 2017 You 100% Shouldn’t Have Seen fuck? Even if we accept the porn parody logic conceit that suddenly Morty is magically at or beyond the age of consent, this is still insanely weird. Just because something is popular doesn’t mean there should be porn of it and, yet, here we are.

There’s Pickle Dick, Mr Meesex, and incredibly ham-fisted references to szechuan sauce – it’s perfect for if the thing that turns you on is being completely the opposite of turned on in every way. Jesus christ.

We can only imagine what 2018 will bring.

Image: WoodRocket