Loathe as we are to publicise this clear affront to god by giving it air time, the far greater responsibility of ours is to inform – or warn, even – you the reading audience so you can adequately prepare to endure the very different version of the world that will exist after the occurrence of this ghastly event: Someone, somewhere, is attempting to put together a Barnaby Joyce porn parody.

Oh God, Someone’s Trying To Put Together An Actual Barnaby Joyce Porn Parody

A wild and extremely loose ad appeared on Melbourne Craiglist (a thing which still exists) calling out for ah… lookalikes… willing to act out Barnaby nutting his atrocious hog while the cameras roll.

We are not kidding. Someone is actually trying to do this.

Oh God, Someone’s Trying To Put Together An Actual Barnaby Joyce Porn Parody

Bloody christ almighty.

The ad, as you can plainly see, is seeking a Barnaby lookalike for an adult movie being put together by a “semi-experienced pornographer.” And it’s really only raising more questions than it’s answering.

Namely: Why? Why would you do this? Please stop doing this.

Regardless of our protestations, these things have a tendency of moving ahead, and with the combined compensation on offer and the fact that the ad was quietly posted three weeks ago, it’s likely that the search is either over, or nearing completion.

There’s no stopping it. So all we here in the editorial department of PEDESTRIAN.TV can do is help them out by suggesting titles. Like, say…

  • The Joyce of Sex
  • One Night In A Rent-Free Apartment
  • Caught in the ACT
  • Pistol & Blew
  • Parliamentary Endowment
  • Raucous in the Caucus
  • My Neck, My Back, My Nats
  • A Kiwi and he Peepee
  • Section Naughty-Four
  • Barnaby’s Bi Election
  • New England’s Member
  • The Prime Minister’s Balls
  • Back(door) Bench
  • Well Hung Parliament
  • Liberal-Minded Love
  • Parliament Face-Sitting
  • A Head in the Poles
  • Farmer Wants A Wife

You’re welcome, Hollywood.

Image: Getty Images / Stefan Postles