More often than I care to admit, my life is wholly consumed by a meme or theory that circulates the internet. Recently, it was the shopping trolley theory that made me question my entire existence, but today it is the ‘pick two animals to defend you’ meme. And hoo boy, it has really rattled my brain.
The meme, which gained traction after being shared by Twitter user Dan Nolan, asks a simple question: which two animals would you choose to defend you while the other six try to kill you. A grim, yet fascinating question.
I’ve been driven insane by this pic.twitter.com/57HDR7w6xH
— dan nolan (@dannolan) July 24, 2020
Your choices include 50 hawks, 10 crocodiles, 3 bears, 7 bulls, 1 man with a gun, 15 wolves, 10,000 rats, 5 gorillas or 4 lions.
Immediately, on account of the fact that they’re savage creatures with more brute strength than pretty much any other animal on the planet, my vote goes to the pack of gorillas.
To be quite honest, I don’t even think I’d need a second choice because the gorilla is clearly the best. Your man with a gun is pretty darn useless when my pack of gorillas rip him limb from limb. But for the sake of the challenge, I went on a journey to find out which animal would best suit the strengths of the clear winner, the gorilla.
On account of the fact that it’s a Sunday night and my entire weekend has been spent thinking about this damn meme, I have taken it upon myself to rank each of these animals on their likeliness to win in a fight. You’re welcome.
To preface, this is entirely dependent on circumstances. Are we near trees? Water? The desert? Is it day time? Night time? How good is the man with the gun? Are the rats diseased? There are a whole lot of unanswered questions here.
Gorillas x5:
Gorillas are just metal as fuck. They can run up to 40km/hr and can comfortably rip your arm off and beat you with it. Other animals can technically fight a gorilla, but five gorillas seems like a pretty safe option.
Crocodiles x10:
Although you can likely outrun a crocodile, they’re notoriously hard to kill with a gun. Crocodiles have thick skin and you’d need to shoot into their brain to actually kill them. If you’re up against 10 crocodiles and have half the bloody animal kingdom trying to kill you, you’d likely miss. Therefore, you’re going to want the 10 crocs on your team.
This power couple is the clear winner here, regardless of the terrain in which this battle to the death takes place. A river? The desert? A jungle? My team is destined for victory.
Rats x10,000:
The 10,000 rats narrowly miss out on the draft here, purely because of the crocodile’s difficulty to kill. 10,000 of anything is a huge advantage, and despite their small stature, a big group of rats could cause quite a ruckus, at least giving you time to run away.
Man With A Gun:
If a man with a gun is your go-to option here, you haven’t thought it through and should be ashamed of yourself. Your gun is rendered useless when your arms are ripped off by a pack of angry gorillas. NEXT.
Bears x3:
Bears are powerful creatures, and in some settings, they’d dominate this competition, but three isn’t many. Between five gorillas and 10 crocodiles, I feel like my team could tackle three bebe Paddingtons.
Wolves x15:
We’re playing a numbers game here. 15 wolves is a lot, but by my calculations, I have 10 crocs and five gorillas, which would distract each of the 15 wolves while I yeet myself the fuck out of the situation to safety.
Bulls x7:
Although seven bulls can put up a decent fight, they’re outnumbered more than 2:1 with my army of apex predators. If you think a bull could take on a crocodile and a gorilla at the same time, you are sorely mistaken, my friend.
Lions x4:
Much like the bulls, the lions would be outnumbered more than 3:1 by my crocodiles and gorillas. Both crocodiles and gorillas have pretty decent chances of winning against a lion in the wild, so when they’re massively outnumbered and have both animals’ strengths against the lion, Simba doesn’t stand a chance.
Hawks x50
Birds are at the bottom purely out of principle. Hawks are gross, and although I’d be absolutely terrified of one pigeon, let alone 50 hawks, it is ridiculous to think they’d stand a chance against even the crocodiles alone. What are you going to do? Flap your wings at me until I die? Fat chance! Get out of here, hawks.
You’re welcome to choose your own fighter here, but if it’s not the gorillas and the crocodiles, you’re wrong. End of story.
