Newsflash: Sydney Is Covered In Cocaine

Sydney is in the midst of a ‘cocaine blizzard’ and other impressive drug superlatives, according to a new sensationalist beat-up published by The Sydney Morning Herald.

The article, which will appear in glossy liftout the(sydney)magazine tomorrow is full of amazing* new** facts packaged into the ultimate high society drama by author Joel Meares. We were thinking a better working title might have been ‘Tell Us Something We Don’t Know’ or ‘We Haven’t Scared Baby Boomers For At Least Two Months.’ If A Current Affair was an article, we just found it.

Some of the most ‘shocking’ (read: untrue, overgeneralized or plain useless) revelations include:

1. Everyone from car detailers to social workers are doing it. We need to arrest everybody, ever.

2. Cocaine dealers operate under psuedonyms. Who knew?

3. We get our coke from drug-cartel-afflicted Mexico. As compared to, you know, Siberia.

4. Cocaine use is up 55% in Sydney in the last two years. We use four times as much as Melbourne. You may remember Melbourne also has laneway bars, street art culture and Cut Copy.

5. As the coke has piled up, the traditional line of users curving along the harbour’s edge has widened to include the entire city. That means Clover Moore is doing drugs! And Barry O’Farrell! And…Guy Sebastian. Get ’em, boys..

6. “There is a casual attitude towards drugs in Sydney that you see in few other parts of the world.” Ri-iight, like Rio. Or London. Or Berlin.

7. “Virtually everyone I talk to says that, while you still need to be discreet, the drug is both socially acceptable and great for socialising.” Also, vegetables are good for you and Julia Gillard has red hair.

8. ‘Confidence. Booze. Brashness. Cocaine certainly sounds like Sydney.’ And suddenly journalism sounds like a failed TV pilot.

9. A gram averages about $300 in Sydney – in the US, no higher than $120; in the UK, about $65. We are getting completely ripped off! #OCCUPYMEXICO.

10. “It is similar to the way we’ve got Gap and Zara coming in – Lisa Pryor.” OMG GUYS, THERE’S COKE IN YOUR CHINOS!

11. ‘In a city where cocaine is glamorous, available and increasingly seen as “the done thing,” it’s easy to see why both clubbers and parents are racking up.’ Easy for Today Tonight, maybe.

12. “Cocaine is every bit as dangerous as heroin.” Ergo, we are living in a city full of junkies.

Pedestrian does not condone the use of illicit drugs. Just because it’s everywhere doesn’t mean it’s cool, alright?

via SMH.

*Not amazing
** Not new.