Married At First Sight has completely dominated my month. I’ve lived and breathed it. I’ve been this gif to all my friends and family.
Because I’ve had to be across every single piece of bullshit gossip (kidding I fucking love it and live for this shit) I’ve got some strong opinions on the menfolk from this show. Namely, who I would spend the rest of my life with if forced by an ‘experiment’.
Yes, I’ve been fantasising about being on Married At First Sight.
Now let it be known the context of this is I’ve somehow found myself as the only woman in Married At First Sight Island. If there was an island. I wish there was an island. ANYWAY. I’m the only woman on the island and therefore get to pick who I marry. That’s just how it is, I don’t need to explain to you how I’m the captain here and get to do whatever I want, do I? Do I??
No. So here’s the order of men I’d marry which I’ve spent many, many hours devising. From least appealing to most. Yes this has taken up most of my day. Yes I get paid to do this, anyone who comes for me in the comments.
Who the fuck is this? SERIOUSLY WHO IS THIS MAN. I’m not marrying him purely because I don’t believe he even exists.
Guys. Guys. GUYS. I cannot live 50+ years of my life with a husband who tells literal strangers that my mouth is in good condition. I cannot. I also cannot live my days out with someone who brushes their teeth like they’re trying to rip their gums off their face.
There is something about Telv that gives me the heebies and it’s literally not even his fault, it’s like when there’s someone who’s face you feel an urge to punch. There is no rhyme or reason, I just do not enjoy his vibe and I frankly want to kick him in the balls for no good reason whatsoever. Telv, I’m saving your balls a lifetime of pain here.
I also don’t know who this is but his face was vaguely more familiar than Sean Donnelly, who is a fake person and no one can tell me otherwise, so Mathew comes in at 4th last. What a win, Mathew! You go, Mathew!
This man is far too zesty for me. Like props on your aggressive style choices but please bitch, I’m the star of this marriage. Not you. Go buy some plain Tarocash and we can revisit this.
I like Nasser’s glasses they’re sexy that’s literally all I’m basing this placement on.
Let’s start out with the facts. DEAN IS TERRIBLE. HE IS THE WORST. HE IS A GARBAGE HUMAN. But there’s something uncomfortably sexy about his voice and the way he presents himself. GOD I FEEL GROSS WRITING THIS. If I buy a mountain of building site-grade earplugs, I could live quite happily with Dean if all we do is have sex. I’M SO SORRY, PLEASE LOVE ME STILL.
Justin’s coming in at #3 because he has a yacht (do you? Do you Justin?) and money and I’m quite content to be someone’s stay-home wife who just goes to yoga and becomes a meditation specialist and I’m modelling our entire marriage on Bonnie from Big Little Lies‘ life, can you tell.
Patrick is a sweet baby angel and no one can tell me otherwise. Look at his adorable smile. My only… critique… would be that he kiiiind of looks like he’s dying inside when he smiles. Like there’s a smaller, weaker version of Patrick inside this Patrick shell that’s desperate to emerge.
John is such a bloody DELIGHT. He’d take out number one spot hands down but look, he’s as old as my dad and props to folks who love dudes multiple times their age for sure but it’s not my personal vibe. Sorry John. Back in 1979, you’d be in trouble babey.
RYAN GALLAGHER MARRY ME ANY DAY ANY TIME ANY YEAR, you adorable little Aussie battler. Davina’s mad, I swear it.