Like sand through the hourglass, so are season of MAFS. Lol sorry I got a bit Days Of Our Lives dramatic there, didn’t I? I just can’t believe it’s over, you guys. What will I do with all this self-isolation time? THINK? Read intellectual literature? Start a herb garden?

Lol I’ll probably just watch re-runs of Love Island.

Anyway, this is where we say sayonara for now. With Bachie In Paradise delayed, I am finishing my run of recap life for a bit, because Masterchef sucks (but if you like it, my hilarious colleague Cam Tyeson will be doing a bit of ~Masterchef content~ so dw).

Let’s get into it, shall we? Before I start my Sunday crying hour.

We start with everyone walking into the final… what is this? Interrogation? It’s not vows. Whatever. Final Interrogation is what I’m coining it. Stacey and Michael are NOT in a good way, guys.

this looks idyllic

Michael whispers “last night would’ve been a good time to apologise” and Stacey’s like whatever. It is TENSE. Something has gone down overnight.

The experts welcome everyone and jump straight into a memory lane video compilation of all the weddings. There’s Aleks eyeing Ivan’s sockless shoes. Connie giggling after her/Jonnie’s first kiss. Amanda making Tash squeeze her boob. Hayley and David going fucking IN for their first kiss.

idk why you’re embarrassed guys this is like 1/10 levels of fucked up for your relationship

After it’s done, the experts ask Amanda why she’s emotional. She says “the disappointment”. Tash looks like she’s watching the clock waiting for this shit to be over so she’s free of their sham marriage. They then ask Josh how he felt watching that back, and he said it’s nice to remember the good times, and it’s weird he and Cathy aren’t close anymore. He suggests they go for a drink after this interrogation and Khaleesi’s like:

hahahahahaha I’d rather fuck Petyr Baelish

First couple on the couch are Jonethen and Connie. You guys, I’ve never watched this episode of MAFS before and my god, it is QUALITY TV watching people watch themselves kiss, for example:

DECEEEEEASED

Jonnie goes “is that how we kiss?” YES MATE. Very much hope you learn not to swallow people whole in future.

The rest is mainly about Connie’s growth as a person. It’s completely wild to see her from the beginning episodes, like even the way she HOLDS herself is different, look:

who is that and who let her dye her hair black

There’s not a dry eye in the house when their story finishes, it’s pretty obvious everyone (me) is really emotional (me) about how much self confidence Connie found along the way during the experiment, and now we’re all (me) blubbering into our hankies.

Quiet RIP for Jonnie’s sexy beard, by the way:

woof

I’m sad that they aren’t mates anymore (Connie told a radio station she lost her shit at Jonnie when he didn’t show at her birthday) coz they seem to have gotten to a really good place by this ep. Oh well! Plenty more just-mates in the sea!

Then it’s time for Aleks and Ivan to face the wrath of Horny Trisha, who is positively ropeable that her unsexual couple may have had sex without letting her be PRIVY TO DETAILS.

you horny BASTARDS

First up, Aleks tells us that once they both hightailed it out of the experiment, she realised with a “lightbulb moment” that she actually had fallen in love with Ivan. He is in love with her too… but they’re still not in a relationship.

Everyone is mucho confused, but it’s also kind of… not their business to judge? Like, I can totally understand how the intense pressure put on Aleks and Ivan to a) fuck and b) admit to fucking would have affected their emotions, and how being back with family and away from cameras could spark something up that was, you know, actually healthy.

They also look about as stoked to be chatting to the experts as I was going on the hunt for toot paper today.

Aleks is me when anyone dares enter my 1.5 metre radius

Josh has a go at them and says he doubts their love is legit since Aleks wasn’t feeling it before they left. THEN we’re given a recap of that dinner party, where Aleks was accused of cheating. She’s still denying it, just as Ivan is still denying that he asked Michael and Josh to bring up their sex life.

They all but run back to the sitting area and away from the experts, and Aleks mutters “dogs” under her breath, but I couldn’t tell if it was directed at the experts or everyone else. LOL either way. Everyone whispers “I think they’re faking it” and laughs, which is fucking rude. Literally ALL your relationships are filled with lies and poo toothbrushes, maybe shut the fuck up, eh?

Then it’s time for Mishel and Steve to yell at each other on the couch. We rehash their relationship on video, and it’s mainly shots of Mishel eye-rolling at things Steve has said in the past.

play more of the bit where he fell off his 5 km/h toboggan

When the experts ask how they feel watching it all back, Mishel is like – I used to be this strong, confident woman and the experiment made me feel like “a fat little girl hiding in the corner”.

Mel tells Steve that telling Mishel he’s not sexually attracted to her is rejection for her, which is true to some degree but not entirely fair? Like, the man was clearly trying to communicate with honesty but also do it at the right time… after that I agree he turned into a bit of a fuckboy, but I did think Mishel twisted his words, whether intentionally or subconsciously, to mean “I am not attractive” not “this man isn’t into me”.

Oh well, who cares! She became top dog in the end and it’s all over. Steve forgives Mishel for absolutely destroying him at the altar in the final vows, and Mishel lets the whole not-attracted-to-you thing go. They part as sort of mates.

Then it’s time for us to revisit the shitshow that was David and Hayley. They are amicable with one another, but clearly not mates.

look at these socially distancing legends

David is asked about the poo toothbrush and if he’s sorry for what he did, and he goes “not to use excuses but..” then proceeds to excuse his behaviour with “I was rock bottom/etc”, but he does apologise and also stops Hayley when she says the shame will follow her around, saying he’ll keep apologising publically for as long as it takes. It’s kind of nice that he’s realised what he did was shit (pun intended) but also like, maybe don’t be a fucking psychopath in the first place!

Anyway, they’re all good and say they were just too similar and clashed a lot.

We then get a recap of THE dinner party – the one where Stacey had a major go at Hayley for “taking advantage of vulnerable Michael”, which still gets me every damn time, hahahahahaha what!!!! It’s so good. It’s too good.

There’s also this absolutely CHOICE moment where Stacey tells the producers “why would you admit you hooked up with someone on the show? If that was me, I’d be taking it to the grave.” The entirety of the MAFS cast are like *eyeball emoji into infinity*. EVERYTHING MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW.

!!!!

Immediately, talk turns to whether Michael did or did not pash Hayley. AGAIN, Michael is all denial, denial, I don’t remember, I was sloshed, blah blah. Vanessa says how the fuck can he not remember, they were hooking up for so long he would have sobered up. Chris is suddenly on the fence and says he never saw them kiss but saw them all over each other.

But as Mikey screams across the room, it’s still two people saying it happened and two saying they aren’t sure, which is pretty much all the evidence you need.

John asks Stacey what she thinks happened, and she says she doesn’t know but she does know she owes Hayley an apology. Hayley is like:

don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining, hun

Stacey says she never should have spoken to her the way she did, she was hurt and lashed out. Hayley says she isn’t sure what to say to this, and Stacey’s like “I don’t expect you to, it’s a lot. It also took a lot for me to apologise.” HAHAHA STACEY you can’t apologise then be like “praise me for apologising this is a huge sacrifice” fuck.

Hayley is like, Stacey you’re smart, I know you know what happened, you just really wanted it to work. It’s very insightful from old mate Dr. Phil, and it clearly rattles Stacey.

can we just get to the part where i look like the victim again

Then John gets The Smunts on the couch. We learn that LITERALLY LAST NIGHT, they broke up. Stacey says it seemed mutual, because if he can’t trust her then what is their relationship. I have to say, as much as I’ve always despised The Smunts are their smunty ways, Michael looks genuinely heartbroken.

do i feel sorry for a Smunt? What’s the world coming to.

The experts roll the video of their relationship – it is a trainwreck. Remember all those times Stacey and Michael told the cameras “we’re a power couple” and “our relationship is so much better than everyone else’s”? Well, that all went public and everyone had a good cackle.

the only sweet victory these people needed tbh

After we get through the whole painful video – it goes from being trainwreck coz they’re being so smunty, to trainwreck coz they were so happy – Stacey looks broken.

I CAN’T FEEL BAD FOR MORE SMUNTS OK

THEN there’s more Mikey drama. Stacey is still (!!!) swearing on her Valentinos that they never hooked up. Even with all the mounting evidence! Her argument is that because her and Mikey have split up, why would she lie? Ummmmm because you were TOGETHER the night before, Stacey!

Then Ivan gets involved and says Stacey admitted it to him and Aleks. She denies this too! Man, I mean you can see how this woman is a lawyer, she is very good at deflection. Ivan mentions her torso tattoo that Mikey apparently told him about. She says anyone can see that on her Instagram – a fair point.

Then Mikey mentions how she returned his clothes to Aleks and Ivan, how there are texts saying no worries, I’ll drop your clothes off. STILL, Stacey denies denies denies. She says they were friends, they hung out, the end.

i can keep going

Eventually, John’s basically like “well, that’s shit since we were rooting for you and have literally ONE OTHER COUPLE to stake our claim as relationship experts on, but sure. See ya.” He sends them back to the group.

Then he’s like “let’s welcome our final couple” and I was like ????? what about the 5,672 other couples in this room who had to sit through all this boring ~analysis~ and shit? We’re not gonna hear how our favourite on-set tradies Chris and Vanessa are doing? What about whatsy and whosemajig?

The final couple is, of course, the smuggiest smugs in smugtown, As smug as two pigs in a blanket – Lizzie and Seb.

They’re so fucking happy you want to vomit through the screen onto their outfits. But at the same time I want to ask if they can be my mum and dad?? Very conflicting emotions, I’m blaming isolation life for my mood swing here. Basically I love them and I hate them for their love.

Speaking of, Lizzie’s asked if she’s fallen in love with Seb and she’s like:

I’m saying it with my eyes Horny Trisha pick up what I’m putting down

She says she’s on the way there, but I think we ALL know she’s already 100% there. Seb is moving in, it’s all good for them. A nice, shiny, Christmassy couple to finish a shitstorm of a season!

Ok that’s it folks, time to relentlessly stalk these people on Instagram until they post one too many protein powder spon ads and get annoying!

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.

Image: Getty Images / [Photographer name]