The first two weeks of MAFS are done – the couples are married, living together, boning like teenagers (in Alana and Jason‘s case) and trading passive-aggressive barbs (in Coco and Sam‘s case).

It also means we had our very first commitment ceremony in which various people said they’d like to “leave” but were forced to push on anyway because of producer fuckery their partner opted to “stay”. You can get up to speed with our Sunday night recap right HERE.

And because the 9 MAFS couples are in vastly different positions, it’s time for our very first power ranking. 9th means most likely to crash and burn, 1st is least likely. Let’s dive the hell in.

9. Coco and Sam

i hate him *this* much

To be honest there were a few couples fighting for the coveted bottom spot here, but I had to give the chocolates to Coco and Sam because their hatred for one another is so obvious. What were the producers thinking by matching these two together?! They have nothing in common! One is a monosyllabic demon and one is a zesty one-liner dropping angel! It’s cruel to both of them, even Pig Sam, to just chuck these two together and hope for the best.

In last night’s ceremony Sam pretended not to realise how bad things were, so had written “stay” on his card, and Coco looked visibly distraught that she had to remain in the MAFS prison for another week. There’s no WAY these two are ever gonna make it as a couple, so just let them be freeeeee.

8. Sam and Cameron

These guys come in a close second purely for the amount of times they’ve had fights so big that Cameron has felt the need to flounce off like a seven-year-old girl whenever things don’t go his way. They started off really well and looked quite smitten — even got a leg over, if I recall correctly — but the shit hit the fan when Cam blurted out that he didn’t feel an emotional connection with Sam, and she felt like it was weird to fuck someone that you didn’t feel a connection with.

MAFSmaybe if I stare at the ground long enough it will open and swallow me whole

The pair have been super tense ever since, are currently not living together and Cam has been seeking solace in the well-defined arms of pilates trainer Coco who is clearly a better match for the bloke. It’s definitely more producer fuckery that led to Cam holding up the “stay” card – or maybe he did it because he wants to stay to pursue things with Coco. Either way, Cam + Sam = no bueno.

7. Beth and Russell

Another MAFS mismatch from hell is slightly hippy-dippy earth mother type Beth with slightly bogan motocross enthusiast Russell. Why did the experts think this was going to work at all? Beth looks physically pained every time we visit them in an episode and Russell has made it clear that they’re in the friend zone and don’t even share the same room at this point.

MAFSsay “motocross” one more time

He’s the one who threw out the “leave” card at the ceremony and Beth, against all odds, is the one who said “stay”. It makes no sense at all. They’re not going to last, and I only put them at 7 because there’s no actual drama here, but there’s no ~vibes~ either. They’re just blah, and both deserve more.

6. Melissa and Bryce

Christ, Bryce is basically draped in red flags at this point. Even if you ignore the off-camera stuff about him being a complete grub, he’s also just made so many horrendous remarks on the show, and then continues to double down on them even when Liss communicates that they’ve hurt her. Like Sam with Coco, he’s constantly degrading Liss’ looks (which is almost hilarious given that he’s no oil painting) and she just quietly seems to accept that this is how it is.

sums it up really

They both opted to stay, which is why I placed them at 6, but I actually need Liss to see the light within the next week and throw up that “leave” card pronto. You are better than this, girl!

5. Bec and Jake

This is such a weird dynamic because in most of the other couples with drama, it’s the bloke who is the one I am mad at. But here, it’s really Bec who seemingly had it in for Jake from the first second they met. That’s right, she’s still not over the fact that he looked at her appreciatively from the altar when she arrived at their wedding.

MAFSbut remember when you SMILED AT ME you pig

I do get that to an extent, no girl wants to feel like a piece of meat, but I’m also like… you picked a nice dress, got your hair and makeup done and clearly wanted to look objectively nice. Then, when the guy thinks you look objectively nice, you decide to judge him forever based on this. It just doesn’t seem fair to Jake, who has acknowledged his lack of respect and apologised since. In fact, he has been trying desperately to make it up to Bec, who has put up a glacial wall around herself, refusing to let Jake in.

Imageactual footage of Jake attempting a convo with Bec

I don’t hold out a lot of hope for this match, given Bec looks like she’s smelled poo every time Jake talks to her, but they both did opt to “stay”, with Bec begrudgingly admitting that maybe she’s judged Jake too soon and agreeing to give him a chance. Actions speak louder than words Bec my dear, so we’ll see how that pans out this week.

4. Jo and James

These two are a bit of a weird one because they got along pretty well at first, but as soon as the infamous Ranking Task occurred and Jo put Jake first, James got all butthurt and insecure. I don’t know how to feel about that task because honestly it was producer genius (fairly sure the MAFS producer who thought of it gets a cash bonus for every fight it sparked amongst the couples) but also a horrible, horrible idea at the same time. Everyone’s egos are bruised! And James and Jo have had some weird tension ever since.

it’s not my fault Jake has a sittable face

She put up a “stay… for now :)” card so these two remain an enigma to me, ranking-wise. They don’t overtly despise each other like other couples here but they aren’t exactly rock-solid, either. Time’s gonna tell on this one.

3. Alana and Jason

Okay so we know that these two fuck a lot, and good on them.

MAFSpeople I’ve been fucking? this guy

Great sex is a super important part of a relationship! But you need more than just sex, and that’s why I’ve controversially placed these two root rabbits at number 3 instead of number 1. An emotional connection is important, trust is important, being on the same page and at the same life stage is important.

We already know Jason loves to go out for a Beer with The Boys, and Alana herself said during the commitment ceremony (when she wasn’t proudly announcing that Jason makes her come every time they have sex) that she’s worried he’s not 100% ready to settle down. Once they calm down on the constant boning and get to know / like each other’s personalities, maybe I will rank these two higher.

2. Belinda and Patrick

These two delightful weirdos are just so cute. I adore them. They seemingly are into each other. Patrick wasn’t even weirded out by Belinda‘s interpretive dance at their wedding. This is love, people!

i’ve got a commitment ceremony dance for you later sweet cheeks

They’re clearly meant to be. They miss out on top spot because mayyyybbbee Belinda is a big liar who has had a boyfriend before and I am forever influenced by the gossip I read! I’m sorry!

1. Booka and Brett

I want to be in a throuple with Booka and Brett. Have it be known that if I was doing the Ranking Task Brett would be my number 1 because he is deeply my type (mummy likes a moustache, okay) but if I cannot have Brett, then glorious Booka can.

same Booka, saaaaame

These two are so cute: smitten, get along really well, have lots in common, have good sex… the experts did well on this match and I’m holding out hope that it’s the real deal. Don’t ruin it for me, guys.

Of course there is a huge amount of drama to come on MAFS this week and my power ranking is probably going to be flipped on its bloody head, so make sure you check in next week to see where we’re at.