Welcome to our first MAFS 2022 commitment ceremony which will surely be fucked.
We start the episode with a whole bunch of pensive stares as the contestants ponder whether or not to further humiliate themselves on national television.
Included in the montage is Daddy Anthony‘s hand on a coffee cup, which also has a scab. Just like his forehead. What happened to this poor man?
Olivia and Jackson are happy and how nice. She sees him as the father of her children and how nice. I hope she does not share this revelation with Holly because how bad.
Over to Selina and Cody following Wednesday night’s episode, she asks, “So, I’m just wondering with your application process, if Asians weren’t your thing, like don’t you think you should’ve written that?”
“I never said it wasn’t my thing,” Cody responds. “Yeah, you did,” says Selina.
Bebé Al, Baby Seal and Brent have a lil’ pow-wow about their tolerable relationships, while Deep South Daddy Andrew and Regular Daddy Anthony have been paired together to discuss a potential wife swap.
Nice Guy is also there, reminiscing about the magical time he popped his period-sex cherry.
Unfortunately for Deep South Daddy’s dream of a 25th wife in the shape of a swapped Selin, Regular Daddy Anthony gives context as to why he left Selin at the honeymoon.
The MAFS producers have paired Selina with the QLD-based beachy blondes – Ballarat Paris and Sam – to talk about Cody’s attraction to beachy blondes. Selina tells them about the conversation around her nationality, to which Ballarat Paris responds “Fuck off!”
I hate myself for relating to Ballarat Paris. Make it stop.
Meanwhile, @badgalella and Princess Bogan are discussing their fun-filled week of sitting and rotating, while Bebé Al shares that he’s been getting some pecks from Sam.
Holly straps Selin and Olivia in for the week of Deep South Daddy’s motivational sex speeches around equipment, weekly roots and pegging.
I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
Holly looks hot. I love this Mila Kunis racoon-eye look for her.
Ballarat Paris and Brent are first up to the Couch of Ouch. Brent tells the experts they’re having fun and “she’ll sit on me”. Christ, sometimes this show just does my job for me.
Meanwhile, Ballarat Paris feels like things are going “not bhed” and ultimately she’s not sure how she feels. Ballarat Paris, I was just starting to like you, and that should mean a lot coming from me, because I fucking hate everyone.
Brent says he feels judged because of his profession, and MAFS expert John Aiken asks Ballarat Paris if Brent is enough for her. “Yes, like what do you mean?” she responds. “I don’t know yet. I don’t know enough,” she concludes and fuck sis, I’ll take him off your cutlery-using hands.
The Resting John Face is real right now. I’m not sure this man has any other expressions.
Brent says it’s a “kick in the guts” which is huge for someone who doesn’t appreciate feet let alone kicks.
“I never would have imagined you had sex,” says MAFS expert Alessandra, in Resting Sex Face. “Not from watching you here today. So if we can’t see that interaction we have no idea, really, what this relationship is about.”
I mean, haven’t we all had sex with people that we didn’t think are good enough for us? Deep South Daddy has! Ask him! He’ll pull out his parchment paper and tell you all about it!
Brent admits he felt closer to Ballarat Paris after having the sex, feet and all, before Resting John Face demands a decision. Obviously they’re both going to stay, right?
SURELY.
OK good, they’re both staying. Resting John Face tells Ballarat Paris to start praising Brent, to which she says that she already does. “Well, clearly not enough,” Resting John Face responds. Sassy John! I like this attitude almost as much as his inability to blink.
THANK U, NEXT.
Next up is our sweet, angelic lovebirds Olivia and Jackson. Good. Restore my hope in not only the experiment but life in general, thank you. (Also thank you to Jackson for forgoing several buttons tonight.) They say heaps of nice things to each other like people who appreciate each other should. They stay. Australia is unsurprised.
THANK U, NEXT.
Alright, Selina and Cody are up on the Couch of Ouch and I hope she tears him and his uncoordinated dick a new one. She tells the MAFS experts that he said yes in response to whether or not his attraction to her was lacking due to her nationality.
He blames poor communication for saying “I’m not racist”, before attempting to mend the situation by holding her hand, apologising, and telling her how much he cares for her. They both choose to stay. “It’s not enough, it’s just a start,” Cody says, and it’s the only time he’s been right in this experiment so far.
Next up is Baby Seal and @badgalella. They quickly default to talking about how objectively hot they find each other, before Baby Seal finds some words to come out of his moustache-less lips. “I definitely got to know her on a deeper, more personal level,” he says, and can someone tell this man fish that you can get deep and personal through adult conversation too?
Baby Seal maintains that Confessions Week was a walk in the park. @badgalella confirms it “was cruisy az” but Resting John Face and his permanently open eyes are not having a bar of it.
@badgalella reckons the reason she hasn’t had a boyfriend for nine years is because she’s “deep” and “intense” and is learning that she needs to be less “deep” and “intense” for Baby Seal. All I’m hearing is that she’s changing who she is to make him more comfortable.
We do not love.
They choose to stay and root some more.
THANK U, NEXT.
Nice Guy and Princess Bogan are up. MAFS expert Mel, the sadist, brings up Princess Bogan’s divorce which is nice? Nice Guy reveals he does not have an urge to rip Princess Bogan’s serial-killer face masks and ball gowns “all the time”.
“I am a woman who bleeds monthly,” declares Princess Bogan. “I’m menstruating, and I was horny. And I think that freaked Jack out.”
“It’s interesting that a lot of the men look very uncomfortable,” says Alessandra, the fucking queen (both literally and metaphorically). “We’re not in grade school, you guys.”
They decide to stay and explore more period sex.
THANK U, NEXT.
Regular Daddy and Selin. Here we fucking go. I’m ready.
Regular Daddy confirms the excuse for a relationship has been a bit of a bus wreck train wreck. He says the wedding and first few days of the honeymoon were “fine” (this is not a goal that I aim to achieve), before loosely confirming that the scratch on his forehead is from “butting heads every step of the way”.
Finally, Selin gets what she deserves when Regular Daddy tells the MAFS experts (and by default the entire room) what an insensitive pile of faeces she’s has been to him and his feelings. He shares the “princess” and “cry baby” insults that led him to the door.
Selin… smiles?
“That’s not funny,” demands Mel.
SERVE HER.
“That’s really demeaning,” Mel continues.
“I probably shouldn’t have used the word ‘princess’ in the real world,” says Selin before using her favourite word: BUT.
Mel reminds her that they are in fact living in a real and spinning world and that Selin is making fun of our Regular (and kind) Daddy.
“He’s showing vulnerability which is one of the most courageous things you can do in a relationship. He’s stepping up and doing that, and you’re hitting him down each time he does it.”
Ppppreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccchhhhhhh.
Selin does not compute.
“I know that ‘princess’ is a bit too far for him.”
Selin, you are being an asshole and you need to stop.
“Not just for him!” Resting John Face and his taped-up eyelids chime in.
He takes her to town for the bus-throwing. As do Alessandra and Mel and I love this for our Regular Daddy, namely.
She realises she’s been a shit person and that wrongly putting a target on his back at the dinner party was a dick move. “I am finding it difficult to be vulnerable or whatever else it is.”
Whatever else it is? Really? Someone send this woman to the back on the bus line for minimising vulnerability.
Alessandra confirms Selin brings nothing to the table for this relationship.
“If you want someone to like you, how do you treat them?” she asks Selin and I am LIVING for this takedown. “Basics! Start there.”
TEE. HEE.
Regular Daddy has chosen to subject himself to more bullying and torment and stay in the experiment.
Selin has an epiphany and realises it’s not (just) him, it’s her, and writes stay in the smallest fucking handwriting I ever did see.
Selin says she strained her devil fingers because she was very unsure of what she wanted to do. She’s hopeful she’ll be less of a C U Next Tuesday moving forward. John demands they move in together and treat each other with respect which seems simple enough.
“I’m going to do the best I can,” says Selin and I’ve had more faith in a bathroom leak magically repairing itself.
THANK U, NEXT.
Sam and Bebé Al are both wearing black in mourning of their pash-less marriage. Bebé Al is struggling with his ego after Sam rated him third as he has never been rejected on any coastal walk before.
Sam says Bebé Al’s lack of self-awareness makes her nervy and same, sis. Nothing like a walking, talking tit who isn’t self aware.
He responds by saying he cooked her mum’s spaghetti and learned to use the washing machine. Holly’s getting hard over the mouldable man in the making.
Soz Hols, he ranked you last.
Bebé Al tells Sam he really likes her like he is in Year 6, asking her to tick a box to be his girlfriend, and then writes “stay” in child font.
Sam also writes stay, this time in adult font.
THANK U, NEXT.
Looks like they’ve left our most fucked-up couple for last.
Deep South Daddy and Holly take their places on the Couch of Ouch, and, if Andrew has anything to do it, The Couch of Sex Insults too.
OK, so Deep South Daddy is upset that the fucc did not include tongue in the mouth. So glad we’re finally getting some context. “It was awkward to me,” he explains of the closed lips. He just called their sex “the process” and I am now deceased and on my way to Texan hell.
Holly proceeds to explain that Deep South Daddy compared her to a one night stand, and not in a good way, and Alessandra is ready to slap him across the face with a flesh-light.
“You say things that are hurtful and you don’t care? You can still be honest, and not hurtful. You can be honest and can be kind. You can be honest and be mindful of the human you have next to you that you know is making an effort,” Alessandra schools him.
“Being inconsiderate and rude with the way that you say things, with the excuse that you’re just being honest, I’m gonna call you out on it every single time.”
Deep South Douchebag (yes, I’m giving him a different name for a hot second) says that Holly “screamed at the top of her lungs” and he had to “remove himself from that situation”.
Holly tells him that he holds onto things and doesn’t “absorb” the things that she says – and I know full well she rehearsed this convo in her head because I do the exact same thing when I want to annihilate someone.
Deep South Daddy tells Resting John Face that Holly sent him uncooked brownies in cupcake baking cups for his daughter’s birthday. But he wanted an apology in there.
Mel cannot sit back any longer! She has to jump in.
She tells Deep South Douchelord (yep, changed again) that he has an expectation for Holly to take accountability of her behaviour, but doesn’t do the same thing for his actions.
Holly starts crying and if I’d had sex with this excuse for a human, I’d be doing the same thing. Thoughts and prayers to the other 350 of you.
Holly decides to stay which is some serious mind fuckery. Texas Chainsaw Massacre background music starts playing as Deep South Daddy declares he was 100% on his decision before crossing it out and changing his mind. HE WANTS TO STAY. But also wanted to leave.
Fuck our lives. Please go home and don’t come back.
Resting John Face asks him what all this is about in the most defeated voice ever. Deep South Douche King says he doesn’t quit things, and I’m thinking this mentality is likely what perpetuated this apparent sex addiction. Keep this man away from heroin.
They appear overjoyed to remain in an experiment that has ruined their lives.
Holly feels humiliated and embarrassed and regrets choosing to stay.
Next episode is intimacy week (AKA fucc week) and I was born to write this shit, so I’ll see you there for all the dick jokes.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps on IG here or LinkedIn here.
