Hello! Welcome back to another MAFS 2022 recap. The chaos is not stopping. Let’s get into it.
Well looky what we have here: Deep South Daddy Andrew has not in fact left, as he said he was doing, but instead taken up residence at another room in the building of hell. I wonder how many spaces they have as backup for this shit? He says he has tried to be “into this girl”, being 36-year-old Holly, but it ain’t working.
This season we have a new task, which is the couples ranking their values instead of other people’s faces. This feels healthier, even though values include things like “good sex”, “wants children”, “money”, “looks” and “occupation”. Come on. This task was made for couples in this experiment that are not Olivia and Jackson, but they are the first cab off the rank.
Interestingly, Jackson and Olivia both put “good sex” as number one, but this “value” is the best of a bad bunch, yeah? In fact, their entire ranking is exactly the same as one another because they are perfect for each other and I won’t hear otherwise.
Princess Bogan claims her and Nice Guy‘s “intimacy’s gone to shit”, which can be something that happens when you move in together and start wearing serial killer masks to bed. “I’ve tried to initiate sex this week but, nup. Got nothing out of it,” says Princess Bogan.
So naturally when it’s their turn to do the value ranking, she slaps “good sex” front and centre in one serious form of subtext.
Over to resident daddy Anthony, he is either smoking a ciggie or burning Holly’s sage because there’s some serious smoke around the new scratch he has developed on his forehead. Was this really the only pensive stare they could find?
Selin and Anthony now have to rank the photos because the MAFS experts clearly reserve this task for the more unstable couples. Selin chooses Cody up front because he is a “gentleman” and I am confused. Why is Jackson continually placed down the end? What is wrong with people?
She says she wants to put her daddy first because he in sensitive and now I’m even more confused. Wasn’t she wrongly calling him a sook/princess/cry-baby because of that exact thing? Oh right, because HE LEFT, now she thinks he’s less of a gentleman. It’s starting to make more sense… I think?
She puts him smack-bang in the middle.
Whatever. I can’t with this couple. Is someone going to tell me what happened to daddy’s head?
Now they’re fighting again and can we hurry this along? This argument is like a daily press conference where we don’t get any new information. Selin reckons she didn’t do anything wrong. The end. Anthony leaves again which part of me is like good, while the other part is like, oh shit Selin gonna pop this into her spreadsheet of all the times he’s left.
Back to Nice Guy and Princess Bogan. Nice Guy was none the wiser to PB’s advances. “I genuinely had no idea that you were trying to , you know, get a little bit naughty last night. Genuinely,” he says.
“Come on. It was blatantly obvious that I was trying to have a go,” she replies. “I don’t know if this was the case, but I probably scared you because I was on my period. I think you were kind of scared! Be honest! You wouldn’t know what to do!”
Nice Guy responds: “It’s a new ball-game for me. I’ve genuinely never had sex with anyone on their period before.”
Nice Guy! I expected more from you! What’s the issue?
“I dunno in past relationships it’s never been a thing – when she was on her period we didn’t really have sex and that was just normality,” he tells the camera.
Periods are normality! Period sex is normality!
“I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. IS IT THAT HARD?” Princess Bogan belts out.
“I feel like the biggest slut in the [BLEEP] world.”
Honey, no.
As the great Ms. Norbury once said, “You all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores, it just makes it OK for guys to call you sluts and whores.”
“We are beating each other against a wall,” says Nice Guy, who I may have to resort to calling Jack based on his inability to engage in period intimacy. “Well at least someone’s getting beaten,” says Princess Bogan. “Someone’s wall’s getting beaten.”
Holy hell.
“How hard is it to get a root?” she says to the camera.
Jack invites Da Boiz (Jackson and Al) over to discuss period sex. “This is a little bit weird, but like um I’ve never slept with someone on their period before.”
Al giggles which is to be expected for his maturity level, but also makes me angry.
“I stopped trying because I wanted to take a step back – OK, she’s on her period, I’ll give her some space,” Jack explains.
TO WHICH AL RESPONDS: “Yeah, yeah, of course, they get moody and shit.”
I can’t.
“Look, I’ve done it before,” Jackson chimes in.
Of course you have, king.
“You’ve got to get some liquid courage!” says Al. “Watch a movie.”
Ella and her baby seal, Mitch, are in bed, where they live now.
“Throughout the experiment, we have had such great, fun, adventurous sex,” says Ella. “But, emotionally, we haven’t gotten deep enough yet.”
The MAFS experts have a new task all about asking deeper questions and this has 100% been designed just for these root rabbits. Mitch is quite literally googling questions to ask his wife.
He comes up with ,”Where’s the craziest place you’ve ever had sex?”
When she replies with the ocean, he says, “How’d you lubricate? Bit of salty lubrication up there, that’d be no good wouldn’t it?”
This is so deep I just may just drown.
He then asks her what’s the most embarrassing things that’s ever happened to her, and I’m guessing this might be up there. She’s a bit let down. Fair. “Is it ever going to get to a deep place with us? I’m not sure,” she admits. CALLED IT.
Meanwhile, Princess Bogan and Jack had makeup sex. “A whole 30 seconds, it was wild,” Jack explains. “I was more comfortable and just, going for it.” Well done. Glad the pep talk from Da Boiz did its job.
Selin and Anthony have returned to the firey pits of hell to watch each other’s audition videos, where she is very enthused and attentive.
They continue to argue about the time HE LEFT. He tells her he’s not being a gentleman for her anymore, and saving it for someone who wants it. He sasses her and says “Is it OK for me to leave now?” and she is not having it. Can’t wait for him to write LEAVE with a question mark at the commitment ceremony.
Over to Cody and Selina now for the moment we’ve all seen in the trailers. But first they have to rank the experiment’s wives and husbands. He picks Sam as first place and because she is something he “is more familiar with” and “a little comfort”.
Oh what the fuck, why is Jackson last again? Jackson, please don’t watch this and think you’re not hot. You are top-tier.
Selina explains she’s not basing the task on physical appearance, and puts Cody first. “Because I’ve been severely bullied at school for being Asian, I was, you know, the odd one out. I was always the ugly duck and always been made to feel different, so I physically can’t judge people based on their looks,” Selina explains.
Cody puts Selina second. “That shit hurts,” Selina tells the camera. “It’s like the biggest slap in the face.”
Cody tries to explain: “It’s just what I’m so familiar with, again, it’s in terms of what I’d normally go for. If I hadn’t met any of you, that’s probably the order I’d place it in.”
The overuse of “familiar” in his explanations is really, really not good.
Over to Andrew in his new solo apartment. He’s missing his daughter’s birthday for this first time. He is sad and crying. I do not have children and cannot relate, but I’m sure it’s rough. Holly has made raw cupcakes for him and left them at his door to bake, which is very thoughtful.
Andrew agrees. He ate them raw and I am concerned for his health.
Al serves up mum’s spaghetti for Sam, while Selina and Cody are doing the deep questions task. Selina asks Cody, “Is the lack of interest, attraction and affection due to my nationality and look?”
He replies, “I think it did, honestly, it’s something that did play at it, initially. It’s not, I’m not racist by any means, but it’s not something I’m familiar with. Like, to be honest, yeah, short answer is, it probably did.”
“Like, I am attracted to you.” he continues. “As long as you understand that there’s nothing about that that’s stopping the progression of this relationship.”
“I’m speechless,” Selina tells the camera.
“It’s not something that bothers me, or that I’m worried about, [inaudible] sort of been open to the idea, it’s just not ever something I’ve ever normally gone for, and that’s, I don’t know what that’s from, personal preference, but yeah.”
Words like “personal preference” and “familiar with” are not the right words. Do I personally know how Selina feels? No. Do I think Cody has ill intent or realised the gravity of his response? I’m not sure, but I think he and everyone watching can learn from this conversation.
Selina tells the camera, “You kind of never want to go to that area of race, but to me, it’s gotten to that point where it’s like, ‘Literally, is it because I’m Asian that you’re just not vibing and don’t find me attractive?’. I felt that from the start, and he’s just confirmed it.”
“I can’t change the way I look, my nationality. He knows I’ve been bullied, all my childhood, based on that. Right now, at tomorrow’s commitment ceremony, I don’t know whether I’m going to write ‘stay’ or ‘leave’,” she continues.
She leaves the apartment. “I just need some time to process everything.”
Cody says to camera, “I feel horrible. I feel terrible. I definitely feel like I fucked up. I’m super remorseful to have made those initial comments. They’ve come out the wrong way.
“Selina’s nationality, ethnicity, however you wanna phrase it – it’s not a big deal. Selina typically is my type. I do kinda go for that blonde, surfy look. That’s just what I’m magnetised towards and what I’ve always gone for. I’m from the beaches, so, Selina was different to that. But I’ve never looked at Selina differently. I’ve always wanted to progress in the experiment the same way.
“I have upset her a few times and it’s accumulated and I’m aware of that, and this is adding to it. It was the last thing I wanted to do. I am actually stressing out. I am so upset that she’s feeling the way she is. It’s the last thing I want. I do really care about Selina whether or not she does, or doesn’t, see it. I can see that I have really hurt Selina here and that’s what I don’t want to happen again.”
Selina says to camera: “There’s some things you just can’t take back. I’m trying to be positive but right now it’s just really, really broken me. It’s hard because I really like him and I’m trying really hard, but I can’t change that I’m Asian.”
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps on IG here or LinkedIn here.
