Another week, another wild ride of MAFS 2022 recaps. I hope you’re ready (I’m not).
We kick things off in honeymoon land, where Al is trying to get over the fact that Sam didn’t want to kiss someone she barely knows.
Al’s planned a romantic dinner prepared earlier by his mum, where Sam tells him she’s scared of the “cool boy energy” which will surface if she starts liking him.
He promises to stop being himself in order to get a smewch.
Apparently there’s nothing else to report on from several other honeymoons, because everyone’s heading back to Sydney to throw drinks on one another. Anthony‘s riding solo after Selin called him a “princess” and a “sook” for being vulnerable and Selin is somewhere rethinking her outdated view of what it means to be a man. Maybe.
Preparing for the dinner party, Baby Seal Mitch tells Ella that he’s going to tell Da Boiz she jumped him on the first night.
Meanwhile Ballarat Paris is praying for people to not get along for the “interesting” factor alone. “I’m really looking forward to seeing Holly. She was like, really desperate,” she tells Brent.
Deep South Daddy Andrew tells Holly she looks “really pretty” which basically means shit all after he more or less called her a dud root.
Holly tells him she wants to share the honesty box sitch with the girls for some perspective, and that’s a lot of respect for someone who fucc-shamed you. Rising above – we love to see it.
People start rolling into the dinner party, including Brent and Ballarat Paris, who has not sacrificed her heels in a cultic ritual that’ll lengthen her husband’s body.
Upon meeting Andrew, Ballarat Paris tells him that she’s always wanted to go to Texas because she’s “really into serial killers and stuff”.
Ballarat Paris asks how Holly and Deep South Daddy went with the honesty box, and for the third time tonight, they use the word “confronting” to describe it. Then she tells the room what happened! In front of him! Amazing! Princess Bogan’s reactions say it all:
“If a man said that to me, I’d say, ‘Go to the bathroom and finish yourself off’, ’cause you’re not coming near me again.”
I mean, he did offer to.
Meanwhile, Mel Schilling is a sadist.
Selin immediately locates a bus to throw Anthony under. She basically tells the girls he stormed off because she was honest about not feeling a spark, and this is a very unusual lie to tell over one ill-advised Bintang singlet.
More couples walk in including Sam and her child-husband Al, who proceeds to handshake slap all Da Boiz. Unfortunately there are no Vodka Cruisers or Passion Pop for him to drown his new-found insecurities with.
Selin continues to say she not going to throw Anthony under the bus, BUT continues to throw his under the bus, in a rapid-fire gossip session. She doesn’t know when he will arrive so needs everyone to blindly hate him before then. And that’s how DILF Anthony died. No, I’m totally kidding. But he did get hurt.
She goes on about the clay in the mouth and eyes or whatever orifices he got them in, as well as the dirty water he almost put her in. Reminder: he’s the princess, ok?
She tells the girls he is “not ugly” and that “I’m not being a bitch, it’s him”. Ella verbally knocks some sense into everyone by suggesting they wait until he arrives before ruining his life, asking how Selin would feel if someone was saying this about her. “Good girl,” says expert Mel while voyeuristically watching the binfire she has created.
Anthony walks in and it’s unfortunate that he is a certified daddy because the wives will likely assume he’s a douche based off his silver foxiness. Selin is drinking a Corona so that she can reincarnate into a virus that will infect the experiment, but bebé Al decides to break the ice with a SHOEY.
I’m not sure who to feel more concerned about: his wife or Brent who may spontaneously combust if that shoe does not return to Al’s foot immediately.
Spoke too soon. Putting the shoe back on is just as blasphemous, apparently. “The whole soggy feet thing after the shoe[y], that’s what freaks me out the most. The wet sock, the wet shoe, and how he’s walking around like nothing’s going on?”
Ella and Mitch have their first argument about who’s the hottest couple at the dinner party. “Brent’s not getting any, clearly,” says Mitch, and honey, don’t shame people who can grow hair on their body.
Princess Bogan quickly puts her foot in it and reveals that people know Anthony left Selin during the honeymoon. He refuses to tell his side of the story to a room full of strangers who have already made their mind up about him (fair) but Princess Bogan keeps interrogating him.
If only she knew she was sticking up for someone who basically led him to the door.
Everyone shut up, because Holly has something to say as mediator of the group. It goes on for about 57 minutes but I’m pretty sure she said “I just want to be able to fart in front of my husband” somewhere in there, which is an indicator of how off-track her Halle Berry acceptance speech got.
The men and women separate to opposite sides of the table like a Year-6 disco (Brent’s words, not mine) where Selin continues to tell Genovia some more lies about Anthony. “I literally did not say a word, he packed his bags and said he’s going.”
Al gives Sam a non-consensual kiss on the cheek after being egged on by Da Boiz, and Aunty Holly thinks Sam’s lucky to have a husband she can mould into whoever she wants. “At my age, I’d love to be able to take control of a man! It’s so hard when they get old!”
Oh look, more fist bumps.
This a fun school disco!
Sam continues to tolerate her man-child’s behaviour, saying he “means well” – which is what you say about someone who is harmless but you despise. She’s feeling like Natalie Imbruglia.
Ella and Olivia are talking about the red-hot love-making Olivia’s having with Jackson. Ella immediately realises her and her Baby Seal are no longer taking the lead as strongest couple, as Olivia and Jackson actually have adult conversation to support their adult penetration.
Anthony peeps his head out from under the bus and starts to feel sad about the love he is surrounded by. There’s kissing, hand-holding, neck-grabbing and shoulder-sniffing all around him!
It feels like him and Selin are the only ones not getting along or not trying to forget their vacant sex. “He left me dry,” says Selin, as Anthony takes her for a chat.
He is nice to her given how mean she’s been to him, apologises for leaving her dry and proposes they try and move past the debacle.
Her response?
“Ya left.”
He takes accountability, she does not. “I am a man, but I am a very vulnerable guy as well,” Anthony explains, and yesss daddy you can and should be both! He realises he is talking to a Genovian brick wall who will not apologise for all the wrongs she did.
“He didn’t say he was sorry,” Selin tells the producers and doll, we were all there and he did that exact thing 17(?) times. “Maybe he did say it, I just didn’t hear that.”
This is likely spectacular editing, using her comments from earlier in the night, but regardless, I’d like to hear an apology from her mouth if she can get the clay out of it. If not for me, then for men everywhere who need to know it’s OK to be vulnerable and have emotions.
Tomorrow night the MAFS couples have to move in together. And confess whatever sins they have that don’t include spitting on sanctity or marriage. Should be a real hoot.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these recaps on her Instagram, Twitter, or LinkedIn.
