We’re at that bit in Love Island Australia where some people are (relatively) firmly coupled up and there’s some single people who in Love Island years have been single forever. Read: one week. In short, it’s the mildly blah bit before someone is thrust into the villa who fucks up an existing relationship or dramatically falls in love with one of the single people and things get really exciting again. We all thought that would be Jax but here we are with everyone in there talking about him like he’s the height of a toddler even though he seems to be preeeetty average on the height-scale. WHAT DO YOU WANT, LADIES. Honestly.
Aaaaanyway last night was a re-coupling that wasn’t super dramatic but did see Natasha head home, and we had a bit of a “tiffle” (honestly what dictionary did these people study in primary school) between mum and dad aka Erin and Eden. Oh and for some reason all the contestants had to hump each other’s asses to pop balloons. As you do.
OFC Josie (Head of Editorial) and moi (Senior Style & Features Editor) are here to wrap it all up in a nice little package for you guys.
JOSIE: Okay I’m showered and here.
MEL: Fantastic. You can watch some horrible Big Bang Theory with me.
JOSIE: Were there any jokes in that five minutes of Big Bang Theory. It was not funny.
MEL: I have never once remotely laughed at Big Bang Theory. Not one single time. It is literally the sewer of comedy.
JOSIE: OK so did Cassidy get a perm in the time since I watched this show?
MEL: OK so I love Cassidy’s hair right now, but also yes there’s no way those are “this is how my hair looks when I let it air dry!”
JOSIE: She had dead straight hair last time I watched it. I struggle to believe those curls are au naturale. Also – who the hell are those two people talking. I’ve never seen them. OH ITS FAKE JAX!
MEL: Yep, that’s Jax and new girl Mac. Side note about Mac – Kate was like “everyone says she has amazing eyes but she has like half a Mecca eye palette on there” – extremely true. She does have nice eyes but also I could probably have amazing eyes if I knew how to blend eye shit (I don’t).
JOSIE: I didn’t even notice her eyes. Just her huge wedgie.
MEL: Yes there’s been a ramping up of the butts on this show in the last week. To be fair if you ever watch the UK version, it’s like 100% butts, guys and girls, all the time. So the Australian butts are tame, really. Meanwhile, Elias DGAF I’m just here for the free alcohol mood is so extremely good. His disinterest in actually meeting someone on a show entirely about meeting someone is really terrific, to me.
JOSIE: What’s the vibe do you think he’ll pick Sheryl / Françoise tonight? Oh wait lol he literally just pushed Sheryl out of the way while they were hunting for a bug. Why is he so obsessed with bugs.
MEL: He is literally Mr. Bugman or some shit. Like he is the exact person who would get bitten by a radioactive rare Mallorca bug and become a conflicted superhero at this point. CANNOT STAY AWAY FROM THE BUGS. Next episode the producers will have bought him one of those bug homes we all had as kids. Anyway, he’s just blown Millie off so he has no one else besides Françoise and he absolutely 100% DOESN’T CARE – but I think he’ll pick Françoise just to stay in the game for ample daiquiri consumption.
JOSIE: Natasha getting simple phrases wrong is funny to me. “I’m on the chopping board”. Yes Tash you are a large carrot.
MEL: She does it constantly how does she get so many wrong. As I said before – what dictionary did these people have as kids.
JOSIE: I don’t think she’s ever read a book. Elias looks so so bored.
MEL: Honestly Elias is a manly 12 year old. Is he actually an underage teenager who has faked being 22 to get into the show.
JOSIE: I think he’s definitely 16. His facial hair is too even like he sprayed it out of a can. Also Sheryl has those fake glasses you just purchased, Mel.
MEL: Hahahaha she so does. Love fake glasses. So Cassidy is being KIND of a snake…
JOSIE: I don’t believe she likes Josh.
MEL: Exactly. She’s suddenly like “oh hiiiii joshhhhhh mmmmm your pecs are sexyyyy” and keeps touching him and rubbing his back. I’m not about it.
JOSIE: So last time I watched she was flouncing around with the shits about Grant…
MEL: So basically she’s over that and then Jaxon came in obsessed with her, and then she decided he was too short. Now she conveniently likes Josh, right before a recoupling in which she could absolutely get sent home.
JOSIE: She’s turned into Tayla.
MEL: She has a fair point about the friendship pacts Natasha keeps making with the guys, like “we don’t like each other but let’s couple up to stay in here”. No one’s there to be pals, beb. Fine to do once or twice but the show is not Platonic Man Friend Island.
JOSIE: Yeah that’s true too. But then like you’ve said Cassidy / Josh doesn’t seem genuine either.
MEL: It’s very suss. But also I mean that’s the game??? Maybe?? IDK. I’m very conflicted about Cassidy’s fake love for Josh.
JOSIE: So what happens if a fake couple wins?
MEL: I’m fairly sure eventually we will be voting for couples, from memory of the UK version. So it’s unlikely coz viewers are like LMAO YOURE BULLSHIT! and don’t vote for them.
JOSIE: So you’d have to put in a Logie worthy performance to convince viewers you’re legit. I get it.
MEL: The thing is if Cassidy played it more authentically it would work but she’s like rubbing Josh’s back like they can’t wait to romantically embrace and then suck each other’s faces off their bodies.
JOSIE: Quick ad segue because how good does the Macca’s Footy Feast look.
MEL: I remember getting those Macca’s dinner packs as a child and Mum denies it because she thinks buying us Macca’s for dinner makes her a bad mum. But I REMEMBER, HELEN.
JOSIE: How tall is Jax? They’re talking as if the poor bloke is 4’11”.
MEL: Right?I think he’s maybe like 5’11. I feel like they’re all being like “Ohhhh Jaxon is short” but like half of the girls are pretty short… ladies not everyone gets the 6’10 guy.
JOSIE: Absolutely not.
MEL: They’re all imagining they’ll score a basketballer and that is NOT REALITY. Also wouldn’t you rather a short guy who is an angelface from heaven than sucky suckerson Grant who isn’t even THAT TALL?
JOSIE: Also LOL Josh being like “I’m just under 6’1″. Okay, so you’re 5’11” then, Josh.
MEL: Hahahha every dude ever – “I’m 6’1”. I feel like every time I click a Tinder bio the dude is like “6”1″. Also when the girls were like “Ballsacks really scare me” – SAME. Extreme mood.
JOSIE: It’s so weird the way balls are just housed in there. And hang there. Like inside yet outside the body.
MEL: It’s such a weird thing. And the balls feel weird like pebbles? Large pebbles. Sliding around in a bag of skin.
MEL: Yes!!! Exact!
JOSIE: I like all my bits being inside my body, safe.
MEL: Yep I’m glad I don’t have external sex appendages.
JOSIE: Meanwhile the BBQ convo that Josh and Grant are having is hurting my brain. Stop talking about facts. You can’t do your times tables.
MEL: Honest to god every convo that’s had on this show except ones about the villa relationships concerns me. They all just say words, I never know what’s being discussed.
JOSIE: OMG Eden is making an emotional speech like they’re at his and Erin’s engagement BBQ.
MEL: That was PAINFUL. Eden and Erin are like the mum and dad of the villa now which is mildly terrifying. Ummm have they been forced to dance in a circle?
JOSIE: That entire BBQ moment – stop. Also every girl is dressed like she’s going to Future Music Festival.
MEL: Also – how is Tayla talking about Girl Code. She’s the last person in that place who can talk about Girl Code. Like fine you’re with Grant now but don’t you come in here calling other women out for being snaky. You are the Ultimate Snake (so far).
JOSIE: Oh no. This argument. We have trouble in Paradise with Erin and Eden.
MEL: Eden needs to chill out. But also I loled at Grant being all “lol eden take a joke” considering last week when Tayla’s heart rate rose for Elias and not him during the stripping game, and he looked like he had pooed in his mouth.
JOSIE: Eden is such a caveman though. Like Erin says one cheeky thing and he has to restrain from clubbing her off the cliff. If my bf got that cut every time I said something thirsty he’d be cut 85% of the time.
MEL: It’s all so neanderthal. I’m living for Erin being all “have you ever seen a baby and you take it’s toys away and it doesn’t like the DVD you put on for it, that’s Eden” burn though. She’s becoming my favourite there I said it.
JOSIE: I love Erin. I’ve watched his show three (3) times and she is a joy each time. I like be that instead of getting upset then she was just like “you’re a knob”. Except she accidentally starved the baby to death in the story.
MEL: Yeah she doesn’t take his shit, it’s great. Meanwhile Cassidy is a lost cause for me now because her fake Josh feelings have overridden my support for her after what Grant did. Like hi hello you don’t like Josh but you’ll happily fake it so you stay over these other women.
JOSIE: But isn’t that the game. I don’t understand the game.
MEL: Kind of but I feel like she was so high horsey about Tayla and Grant that it’s like well now you’re kind of being a bit shady. Because you’re cutting out Tash by pretending to like Josh. Who likely would have picked Tash again if you didn’t start dry humping him gently in the kitchen 24 hours before re-coupling.
JOSIE: Oh of course. And also – Grant and Tayla clearly do like each other coz that’s still going strong. So yes they were grot but at least not pretending. Josh seems quite fooled by her though, if she is lying. It’s working on him. Wow Sheryl, that card playing analogy sucked. I call her Sheryl because fucked if I’m typing her fake “French name”.
MEL: Also because her name is 1000% Sheryl IRL. I feel a bit for her since she’s chasing a disinterested teenager.
JOSIE: Same. Also Cassidy is curling her hair. We have evidence it’s not “natural”.
MEL: Someone’s brought a curler into the villa, clearly, because Tayla is also curling her hair. Maybe it’s their tactic against the vicious Mallorca humidity?
JOSIE: Oh Jesus, where did these Cassidy waterworks come from. DOLL YOU’RE GOING TO RUIN YOUR MAKEUP. WHICH YOU WERE ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH DOING.
MEL: Ok I think these people need to just be like look worst case I go back to Newy or the GC or wherever they’re from. Life goes on, you know? We don’t get to live in Mallorca forever. So who cares if you hit the end of the line, it’s not worth breaking down over imo. But I think she’s scarred from the Grant sitcho. It’s rejection fear.
JOSIE: Real question. Is she wearing a towel or a dress.
MEL: I actually don’t know and that is the honest truth. It may be a dress.
JOSIE: I won’t sleep tonight wondering about that.
MEL: PSA that Justin is, as always, an angel. I genuinely love him now and would 100/10 date him. I can’t believe they’re all overlooking him. I know he’s a bit camp and I think they’re all hung up on dumb superficial shit like height and sounding like a pack-a-day brickie, but come ON. He’s smart, and funny, and kind!
JOSIE: He hasn’t spoken once in this episode and it’s not good enough.
MEL: It’s not good enough at ALL. Justin and Erin are all that’s getting me through currently.
JOSIE: How’s Tayla’s “OIYE GORT A TERXXXTTT” screaming.
MEL: Literally screaming into the abyss except everyone was 5 metres from her mouth.
JOSIE: Is it me or does Mac look like Ivanka Trump.
MEL: Omg YES.
JOSIE: How tense is this recoupling.
MEL: That initial bit where it was like “is Mac going to pick Josh we don’t know”. Fuuuuck I was feeling Cassidy’s tension there. Also I wish Millie and Justin would just fall in love. How do we force that to happen. Drugs? Manipulation?
JOSIE: Does Millie like him at all?
MEL: No they’re just mates.
JOSIE: Whyyyyy he’s so nice. Oh my god Tayla’s vagina was almost showing just then.
MEL: Right? I love the zesty side splits on the dresses but they mean no undies so like BE MORE CAREFUL unless you want a Paris Hilton getting out of a car in the 00’s moment. Remember when she would always flash her vajootz? I don’t even think she cared tbh. Meanwhile Erin’s earrings are fab.
JOSIE: I’m sorry I got distracted by Eden saying “Tiffle”. As in “we had a tiffle”. I quit life, I just cannot with these people. Ugh. Elias is so beautiful. A beautiful idiot.
MEL: Elias is so beautiful and absolutely off with the fairies. His brain is with the bugs. The friend of the bugs.
JOSIE: The humidity has not been kind to Cassidy’s head. The curl solution was not a solution, clearly.
MEL: It seems to be getting worse with each stressful moment.
JOSIE: That Cassidy/Josh kiss was devoid of anything.
MEL: Yeah coz she is prob repulsed by him. Bye Tash I won’t miss you sorry. I will literally forget your name in an hour.
JOSIE: Sophie Monk couldn’t get out of there quick enough lol. She is me watching this show. Cassidy is all dead in the eyes isn’t she?
MEL: Can’t wait for her to be like yeah nah bye Josh.
JOSIE: Also Erin is too good for Eden. He just repeats everything she says. They will just fuck a lot and then she will get over it. Nice for Ivanka and Charlie to get together, by the way.
MEL: The two fake celebrities, together.
JOSIE: I can’t wait for this new guy. I’m laughing at his “I AM THE TALLEST” comment. Why do guys care so much. Why do GIRLS care so much.
MEL: Omg the girls are going to love this large muscle with a head.
JOSIE: Just a big bicep with eyes. Can’t wait.Image: Channel Nine