First thing’s first: Tinder is a bloody great app and a thoroughly intriguing experience. When have you ever been able to tap into a resource of people who you probably will never happen upon in your boring, hapless every day existence? Tinder’s whole vibe is to get you in the line of sight of friends-of-friends who you never even knew existed. It’s a pool of potential friends/dates/future murderers and the time is now! Join me on my mildly terrifying journey of men within a 20 mile radius of Sydney’s city centre.
There is no soft launch with Tinder. The minute you sign up you are there, you are ON you are GO. Haven’t you noticed A LOT of people on Facebook changing their profile pics to a more attractive, slightly younger version of themselves, dug out from the oily depths of their profile picture archive? I personally chose a cross section of imagery that best represents my soul and spirit. LOL. NOT. I chose the 5 hottest pics I could find of myself from 2007 onwards. Who cares that my hair is a different length AND colour and one features an ex-boyfriend? You have 0.5 seconds to convince your potential future lover that you are the goods. Choose WELL and choose YOUNG. (Cue: “This is it” by Dannii Minogue – in fact, I suggest that this song be your Tinder theme music).
Upon entering the Tinder universe you are presented with “Recommendations”. These are people within a particular mile radius of you (it lets you specify how widely to cast the net) who are also single and wanting to mingle, get laid or eat your flesh. You can view each Recommendation’s pictures and see who and what your shared Facebook friends and Interests might be. Swipe left for a “Nope” and Swipe right for a resounding yes, YES I LIKE THE LOOK OF YOU SHANE/NICOLE/REECE. I LIKE MASTERCHEF TOO IT’S A MATCH!
Once you are matched you are then free to chat like it’s MSN Messenger circa 2001 to your heart’s content.
The number of men who select pictures of themselves at their first wedding are seriously astounding. “Didn’t work out the first time love, but look at how fkn hot I looked at my wedding!”
Other imagery that males seem to collect of themselves includes:
(a) Men doing extremely large abs selfie
(b) Men holding babies – possibly not their own. FYI, seeing a pic of you holding a baby does not make our ovaries flutter into a maniacal seizure of lust for you. I’m just wondering if it’s your stupid baby or not.
(c) Men holding babies AT their first wedding – a double whammy.
(d) Men participating in outdoor adventure sports.
(e) Men posing with big cats of Africa. WTF?
My rookie error on day one is to swipe ‘Yes’ to too many questionable men. Well sorry for trying not to be judgmental! Gals – here’s a tip: BE judgmental. If they’re wearing a flat cap in pic number one, chances are they ARE as much of a douche as you first suspected.
I get matched with a young lad called Ynnad and realise it’s probably Danny spelt backwards. Strike one Danny. He asks me about my day and we exchange pleasantries for approximately 30 secs. Danny or Ynnad as he prefers to be called then pronounces “Who is your Daddy and what does he do?” Pardon? I do not answer. I inform my flatmate about this enquiry after my father’s employment, he explains that it’s a Kindergarten Cop reference. Sorry Danny I didn’t realise people were still referencing that fucking terrible movie 25 years on. I block him and soldier on.
NEXT: I swipe YES to a brooding looking German who’s pics include him sailing an actual boat. Capable!
He hits me up for a chat right away which starts as below:
(What can I say; I can be a lol when I want to.)
Suddenly the chat turns to height.
He says he is 173cm which is only 10 cms taller than me – I mean – average right?
Then:
: / ABORT.
Next up is Mark. Harmless name, I think to myself. How bad can he be? Our initial chat starts slow and I assume that Mark is Irish due to the fact that he is only doing shots in all his photos. In a moment of weakness I give Mark my number. Give a gal a break.
One minute later Mark calls me. I look at the phone like it has just developed a rare and rabid case of herpes. Fuck off Mark! I don’t want ACTUAL conversations! What do you think this is? Real life?
I answer and realise I am perhaps talking to a drunk leprechaun midget. I excuse myself saying that I think my flatmate has clogged the toilet (lol I panicked), we bid farewell and I delete his number.
Great start!
I decide it’s best to retire on a high and put Tinder away for the night. FYI everyone, you are always on Tinder. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you won’t show up in a feed when you are not using the App cos you will! Who knows really how the thing works, it just does.
With that in mind – enjoy your first Tinder experience and feel good with the notion that is does get better and more hilarious as time progresses.
