WHAT ARE THE BEST FLOWERS TO BUY FOR…
A Goth? Maybe buy some nice roses and set them on fire a little bit. Once they have cooled down hand them over. No eye contact.
Someone with terrible allergies? Tulips and a pack of Claratine (to show that you are sensitive and thoughtful)
A florist? Don’t bother. Just tell her she smells nice.
Someone who hates flowers? Someone who hates flowers? Don’t show up! They sound awful.
A lady? sweet peas
A tramp? frozen peas
Someone who’s colour blind? hmmm thats a tricky one. I would recommend sun flowers because they are big and happy and dorky and doesn’t matter what colour they are because everyone secretly lovehates them… Rumour has it Van Gogh was colourblind.. and Van Gogh painted sun flowers… What an excellent conversation starter.
The one that got away? If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it.
To give when you’re punching well above your weight? If you think you could be a fill in for Beauty & The Beast on ice, or maybe if you feel like you are weighing down the sea saw at your end, get some flowers delivered to her work so she can show off in front of everyone and tell them all about her new dreamy BF. Even if she doesn’t like you, she will pretend that she does and that’s good enough.
To present when you’re meeting the parents? White oriental lilies – always a hit with the mature ladiez! Once they are wrapped up, they end up being about the size of a smart car. Just about the right size of over-the-topness but with a touch of class.
To give when you’re trying to avoid a cliché on Valentine’s Day? Lots of girls will say “oh don’t get me flowers on Valentine’s Day, its just a Hallmark Holiday rip off”. While this is mostly true, take note – no one actually means it. They want the flowers and they want lots of them. Red roses are a total waste of time. Yucky. They are shipped over in their cardboard cocoons by the Columbian flower lords and then pimped out for $10 a stem by the nice looking lady carrying a basket of stuffed teddy bears and cellophane wrapped red gangster roses. What is romantic about that? I recommend that you spend at least $50 if you want to see it through to Easter.
To give as ‘Get well soon’ flowers? This is when your inner clumsy hopeless male is allowed to pick whatever he wants. Colourful, cheap and cheerful. Doesn’t matter. Sick people love flowers and anyone who delivers them.
To give when you’re being ‘spontaneous’? I can’t tell you how to be spontaneous! Flowers that are guaranteed to [help] get you laid. You know that saying, size doesn’t matter? Well that does not apply to flowers. Go Big. It’s not the thought that counts here – because you should be thinking about her all day long.
Flowers for an unexpected (but welcome) pregnancy? Forget me nots
To give when you’re on a budget? Jonquils. I love Jonnies. In the winter time every corner store / grocer sells them out the front for $5 a pop. They smell great. They are cute. And they smell great. I had to say it twice because they really do smell great.
To give when you’re blowing your budget? Whatever takes your fancy – en masse. If you think tulips are nice, get 100 of them. DELUXURY!!!!!!!
To give to someone you don’t like? If you really really don’t like them, give them Gerberas. They send the message loud and clear I HATE YOU ding ding ding!!!!!!
To snack on? Crystallised Rose petals. We all saw it on Masterchef the other night.
To make yourself feel better? Poppies. People always tell me how much joy they get from watching them POP open. When I hear things like this I think… haven’t you got anything better to do than sit around waiting for the hairy casing to drop off? So if you are feeling sad and have a whole day to waste sipping on your sorrows – go for the poppies.
To give to your Mum? My mum always says, don’t spend money on me, spend it on yourself. That being the case, I would probably buy myself some shoes. But if your mamma isn’t like my mamma, then I would suggest a little mixed posy of everything- no one knows what their mum likes, its true. Don’t feel bad about it. A mixed arrangement is the best way to go, and that way when you give it to her, she can pull the posy apart and put the flowers into 10 different vases all around the house.
Flowers you can easily pick yourself? Leave the hibiscus alone. They die as soon as you pick them, its floral cruelty. Same goes with frangipani. Leave them be on the tree! Look over the fence for something a little longer lasting – Hydrangeas, roses, dahlias, camelias. But go for the night time steal. It’s just too dangerous by day!
To give on a birthday? Flowers are such an easy present to give on a birthday, the only thing is – people usually end up with lots of them! To make sure your bunch doesn’t get lost in the pile of pollen, either pick something fragrant and delicate like garden picked gardenias, freesias, sweet peas and roses or find the biggest flower / most awkward bunch you can get your hands on (to the point where you are struggling and feeling embarrassed carrying up the street to the party) cherry blossom branches and hot pink gladiolus will do!
My final tips:
No gerberas. I repeat. NO GERBERAS.
Supermarket flowers are ok if its an emergency, just be sure to take the cellophane off and re-wrap the flowers up in brown paper or baking paper which can be found in aisle 7.
I draw the line at servo flowers. Just No. No. No.
If it’s November, you must pick Peonies. Always.
If your florist asks “do you want to put some extra foliage in with it” back away slowly. No one knows what to do with that shit. Not even the lady in the apron.
Discover Holly’s floral delights at The Flower Drum blog.
