Happy Father’s Day, y’all! I think that while most of us would agree that, for the most part, Dads are great – they teach you all kinds of wonderful things about life, like how to how to become a sometimes fully-functioning person, how to inherit hereditary hair loss or weight gain, how to absorb their bad habits by osmosis, or how to convey disappointment non-verbally – not all Dads were created equal. That’s just a fact.
Earlier this year on Mother’s Day, I heaped a whole lot of neglectful parental dirt on Pop Culture’s Most Questionable Mothers in 2012, so in the name of correcting gender imbalance it’s only fair that I do the same to some of popular culture’s least admirable father figures; because that’s another thing fathers teach us: how to be fair while assembling lists that question parental skills you so obviously lack.
So raise a glass of your dad’s preferred tipple (mine’s gin, which is what I’ve gifted him with today, that and a picture of myself) to Pop Culture’s Most Questionable Fathers For 2012:
Walter White
There are so many layers to Bryan Cranston’s Emmy-nominated portrayal of Walter White from Breaking Bad that I don’t even know where to begin. A desperate yet likeable science teacher manufactures crystal meth to provide for his family in the face of a terminal illness but then metamorphosises into a pork-pie wearing sociopath drug king with more layers than an onion mille-feuille!? A deserving first on a list of questionable fathers and a favourite of fathers everywhere who don’t know what makes for an appropriate breakfast.
Tom Cruise
The upcoming issue of Vanity Fair contains an exposé that reveals an elaborate auditing process (not unlike this one) was undertaken to find the wife that Katie Holmes would eventually become, an auditioning process that involved humilation, degradation and the mental abrasion of several young women who all vied for the role of a lifetime: fostering the progeny of Hollywood’s most questionable father, Tom Cruise. Cruise recently got off pretty lightly in the financial settlement of the TomKat dissolution, which only goes to show that when he’s not partying in London clubs with his underage DJ son, he’s a pretty thorough contender for questionable father of the year.
Photo by AFP via Getty Images
Pete Campbell
Choosing between Don and Pete for the title of Mad Men’s most questionable father is to literally split the finely-parted and laquered hairs of these two very questionable men. I’d have to give this year’s title to the brilliantly slimy Vincent Kartheiser for his portrayal of Pete Campbell, whose complete lack of disregard for both his family and the entire female gender in his treatment of Joan in season five was both highly questionable and extremely devastating.
That Kony Guy
Remember this guy, Jason Russell? He spearheaded that whole Kony 2012 campaign and used his son as the adorable face of one part of that campaign to spread awareness of Joseph Kony’s crimes against humanity. And then this happened, which must have been all the more awful for his family for having been made such a visible component of the not-so Invisible Children debacle.
Seal
Ahaha Seal! The crazy, fluroescent-nailed, terribly dressed mentor from The Voice and the only person who could make Delta Goodrem look sane by virtue of proximity. Seal auf wiedersehen’d his wife Heidi Klum earlier this year, with the two citing irreconcilable differences as the cause of their divorce. Things looked to be going quite smoothly until Seal used personal family photographs of their children in advertisements for a digital camera company without Klum’s permission. Dick move, Slippery Seal. The singer has also come out today with allegations that his wife was “fornicating with the help,” which must be doing wonders for how his children are feeling. Amazing work, buddy. Miss you, 2007. Heidi, Go!
Tony Abbott
Teflon coated Tony Abbott, a true modern man, needs to stop borrowing erotic fiction reading material from his daughters. Because that is the epitome of questionable parental sharing. Also, this:
Photo by AFP via Getty Images
Rupert Sanders
Rupert Sanders needs to stop cheating on his gorgeous wife Liberty Ross, with whom he has two children, with Kristen Stewart, who looks like this -_-.
Photo by Kevin Winters for Getty Images Entertainment
Whoever Fathered Honey Boo Boo Child
I get the impression that Whoever Fathered Honey Boo Boo Child a) is a direct relative of her mother, the coupon queen June and b) doesn’t really call any shots that aren’t tequila in the Boo Boo Household. June’s 18 year old daughter recently gave birth to a baby with three thumbs, so give it another year and whoever fostered that child will surely be making next year’s list.
Worth using twice in one day:
All The Dads From Puberty Blues
If they aren’t wearing scrotum-grazing shorts that leave little to the imagination, they’re off blatantly conducting affairs in The Strand Arcade, forcing their sons to reverse over their surfboards or skinny dipping in front of their kids, which is, like, so embarrassing.
