Happy Mother’s Day, y’all! Or, Happy Substitutive Maternal Figure Day, if you have a tumultuous relationship with mummy and don’t so much feel like celebrating that old booze hag! So Mother’s Day is for the most part all about celebrating the wonderful women that brought us forth from their lady parts, or ‘their sex’ (that’s E.L. James for ‘vagina’ – HEY MUM!), and raised us to be the ungrateful offspring we are on the other 364 days of the year. But don’t take my word for it, ask the man your mother has probably fantasised about at some point, Hugh Jackman:
Not every mother did the whole uterine birth thing, and it’s important to acknowledge that there are mothers today that, although not cut-the-cord biological, deserve the same recognition and adoration as the one that pushed you kicking and screaming into this world. My mum tried to make me watch this today – I’m guessing to gain some form of leverage to use against me later:
So good job there, ladies. No really, mothers are all kinds of wonderful – and if you can’t make sweeping generalisation today, when else can you? – but not all mothers were created equal. Which is why instead of paying tribute to those thankless heroes that fed us, bathed us and wiped us clean when we could not – because you’re already doing that yourself, the wiping and the thanking I hope – we’re going to instead take a look down the barrel from whence we came at the some of the more questionable mothers that pop culture has served up to us in the first half of 2012.
Betty Draper-Francis
The much-maligned suburban housewife from hell received another dimension that allowed for January Jones to evoke the first (and so far last – although Betty is slated to appear in next week’s episode of Mad Men) glimpse of pathos for her character. Receiving significantly less screen-time this season, you couldn’t compile a list of undesirable mothers without the inimitable Betty.
Victoria Grayson
One of five reasons Revenge is one of the most watched and talked about soaps on television both here and abroad. Certainly 100% the reason behind the show’s recent renewal for a second season. A smile no emoticon could ever do justice 🙂
Madonna
Ah, Madge. The grand dame of pop released her 12th studio album MDNA to mixed – mostly negative – reviews and jumped behind the camera on W.E., which has just been released to more favourable reviews here. Madonna’s inclusion here comes from a point of – let’s here it again for – empathy, this time in the case of her children, but especially Lourdes, her 15 year old daughter. Madonna is an icon, no doubt, but I don’t know how I’d feel about my mama if she appeared in the following. Actually, if my mum got all up in Sean O’Pry I would probably give her a high-five.
Lettie Mae Thornton
Waiting sucks and everything’s at stake and there are more Vampire-puns than you can sink your teeth into in anticipation of TrueBlood’s fifth season. Lettie only appeared in about one episode in season four, but it was enough to have us questioning whether or not we preferred Lettie-Mae as a possessed drunk or an evangelical adulteress. Let’s hope she resurrects some of her former screen-time glory in the coming weeks.
Nicole Poluzzi, also known as, Snooki
Snooki is pregnant. Lord have mercy.
Jamie-Lynne Grumet, The Breastfeeding Mom On The Cover of TIME
The titillating discussion surrounding TIME’s latest cover is still raging on the internets, so Breastfeeding Mom On The Cover Of TIME gets a mention for being that woman who – some ten years from now – will incur the wrath of an adolescent male like no other mother before. This is no where near as cool as being that baby on the cover of Nevermind.
Nadya Suleman aka Octomom
If it’s not enough that you have to compete with thirteen other siblings for food and/or affection, your Octomom recently appeared in her latest headline-grabbing venture as the solo star of an adult film. Do the math on that one.
The Kardashian Facktory
Kris Jenner: Because it takes a truly questionable mother to turn your daughter’s sex tape into self-propagating infamy and fortune. Barf.
Jessica Simpson
Yay, J-Simp finally popped on May 1st so she hasn’t been an actual mother long, but that doesn’t excuse the questionably long maternity cycle that Simpson perpetuated for, like, 10 years. That tuna bun was well and truly in need of some time out of the oven. Or was it chicken? Or was it this joke, which also expired about 10 years ago?
You can tell Jess is going to be a cool mom, not a regular mom.
Courtney Love
Courtney – tenant from hell, mother from (a) Hole. Francis Bean continues her quest for emancipation from the Lovely Miss World, recently gaining control over the name and image of her father Kurt. Add to that the AVO Frances took out before she turned 18, and more recent incidents involving Frances calling for Twitter to ban Courtney after her mother accused her of being seduced by Dave Grohl. When you have to issue this kind of statement (or any statement) against your mother, then it might be safe to say she deserves a place on these kind of lists:
While I’m generally silent on the affairs of my biological mother, her recent tirade has taken a gross turn. I have never been approached by Dave Grohl in more than a platonic way. I’m in a monogamous relationship and very happy. Twitter should ban my mother.
Courtney recently revealed that she chants with Lindsay Lohan, too, saying: “I chant. You can tell when I’m not doing it, I get in trouble and then [when] I am doing it, I don’t get in trouble. It’s really, really good for me. So, that’s my religion.” Where do I sign up?
Katniss Everdeen’s Mother
If it wasn’t enough that Katniss had to raise your younger daughter, Primrose, then you could have given her a little more than a dress when she went away to her almost certain death by volunteering as tribute. Good thing she didn’t die. Whoops, *spoiler*.
Edina Monsoon
The most fabulously questionable mother in all of pop culture. Makes (grand) parental neglect impossibly chic.
Stifler’s Mom
When your cheeks, lips, boobs, butt and stomach deflate faster than your career and only one of them can stand to take another hit, you’ve got Stifler’s Mom Syndrome. (Hint: I think it was the boobs that won out for that final hit)
Love you Mum!
