You Will Literally Never Guess What Gwyneth Paltrow Wants To Name Her New Line Of Chocolates

Gwyneth Paltrow attends Veuve Clicquot Celebrates 250th Anniversary with Solaire Exhibition and chocolate emoji

My problematic fave Gwyneth Paltrow is apparently looking at rolling out a new line of chocolates. But because she’s the Goopinator, these delicacies won’t just have any name. No, no, no.

As reported by 9Honey, documentation from the United States Patent and Trademark Office shows Paltrow has registered a word trademark for “chocolate” and “candy” products.

The name she wishes to trademark, you ask? Why it’s none other than “This Tastes Like My Vagina”.

This. Tastes. Like. My. Vagina. Obsessed does not even begin to cut it. Paltrow’s mind needs to be studied like one would a meerkat at the zoo.

However, we may never know what the vagina tastes. Goop filed the application in May 2020 and, as of June 2023, it’s still “under examination”. While this is devastating news, it does bring me solace to think that the name was the result of a COVID-19 fever dream. Beautiful stuff.

THIS TASTES LIKE MY VAGINA. Image credit via 9Honey.
Approve it, you bastards!!! Image credit via 9Honey.

Real stans will know This Tastes Like My Vagina is the perfect addition to the Goop Cinematic Universe.

Back in January 2020, the wellness brand released a candle called “This Smells Like My Vagina”. A few months later, Goop launched a follow-up which was somehow, at the same time, both non-sensical and logical: “This Smells Like My Orgasm”. I mean: if you already have a candle that smells like a vagina, what’s next? “This Smells Like My Pancreas”? I don’t think so.

The orgasm-scented candle has notes of tart grapefruit, neroli, Turkish rose and ripe cassis berries blended with gunpowder tea. In the wise words of Goop, it’s a “scent that’s sexy, surprising and wildly addictive”.

Meanwhile the vagina-scented candle has whiffs of geranium, citrusy bergamot, cedar, Damask rose and ambrette seed — a conceptual coochie, if you will.

All we can hope is that the US Patent and Trademarks Office gets its ass into gear and approves the vag chocolate and candy so we can get the full olfactory experience. Gwyneth Paltrow and the Chocolate Factory, let’s go!

Image credit: Getty Images / Axelle/Bauer-Griffin